Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 37: Episode 10
Male Audience Member…..Bill Hader
Female Audience Member…..Kristen Wiig
Joey the Horse, Jack Jacobson…..Jimmy Fallon
The Boy, Frank Densby…..Andy Samberg
German Soldier…..Taran Killam
[Exterior shot of a theatre with “War Horse” signs] [the Audience Members take their seats in the audience]
Male Audience Member: [with an English accent] It’s exciting, I can’t believe they brought “War Horse” to our town!
Female Audience Member: [also with an accent] Yes, I heard the movie is fantastic, but I’m so glad we’re seeing the play first.
Male Audience Member: The puppetry’s supposed to be amazing. It takes four puppeteers to operate the horse.
Female Audience Member: It’s so ambitious for a regional theatre![The house lights flash]
Male Audience Member: It’s starting.
Announcer: May I have your attention: please silence all cell phones and refrain from talking during the production. Also, in tonight’s performance, the role of the horse, normally played by a puppet and four puppeteers, will be played by Jack Jacobson. Thank you.
Male Audience Member: [frowning in confusion] Wait, what?
Female Audience Member: Did–did he say the horse was being played by a person?[a trumpet sounds and the boy appears onstage]
The Boy: Where’s my horse? I want my horse! [horse’s hooves are heard offstage] I hear a horse, but I don’t see a horse! I want my horse!
The Boy: [joyfully] It’s him! My war horse![the Audience Members look unimpressed]
Female Audience Member: So…that’s the horse?
Male Audience Member: Maybe the puppet was too expensive?
The Boy: I’m going to catch you now! You’d better finish your carrots! [he chases Joey the “horse” in a circle around the stage]
Female Audience Member: II feel like this might have been more impressive with the puppet.
Male Audience Member: This actor’s terrible at playing a horse.
The Boy: [clapping rhythmically] Look, now he’s dancing! [Joey starts doing the robot] War Horse can daaaance!
Minstrel: [singing as Joey continues dancing] Oh, they went to war and they fought that war, the boy and his horse together in the war! [the actor puts his hands on his head like a horse’s ears] Enjoy the intermission.
Female Audience Member: Wha–it’s intermission already?
Male Audience Member: It’s a very strange production…what does the program say?
Female Audience Member: Let’s see…[reads it] Wait a minute, it just says–oh. This is “Warm Horse,” with an M.
Male Audience Member: What the hell…? [the house lights flash] Oh, it’s starting again.
Announcer: The play will resume momentarily. For the second act, the role of The Boy, previously played by Frank Densby, will now be played by a puppet. [the Audience Members look even more confused]
Female Audience Member: [stammering] Now the boy is a puppet?!
Male Audience Member: Why would they switch during intermission?[The trumpet sounds and the Joey comes back out, making hoof sounds and neighing/snorting. A German soldier approaches him]
German Soldier: Here, boy…easy does it, ja…you’re a long way from home! You’re in German hands now! [Joey “slows down,” then neighs angrily at the German, who startles] [A stagehand dressed in black appears with a small puppet of a boy on his hand and speaks his lines]
The Boy: War Horse! War Horse! Where’s my War Horse?[the Audience Members look on in disbelief]
Male Audience Member: Wait, that’s the boy? I’m confused.
Female Audience Member: Um, is this the puppetry everyone’s been raving about?
The Boy: Joey! It is you! You’re back! I’ve got my War Horse again!
German Soldier: [laughs obnoxiously] You want your precious War Horse? It’s too bad there’s no escape. Unless you’re able to clear… [dramatically] that one-foot barbed wire! [points to a tiny fence sitting on the ground] Good luck, English boyyyyyy… [he fades out of the scene]
The Boy: Oh no, Joey! Whatever will we do?? [Joey comes over beside him and kneels down]
Joey: [speaking in a deep Cockney accent] Hop on, old friend! [the puppet sits on his shoulder]
Male Audience Member: The horse is talking?!
Joey: ‘Ere we go! For England!
The Boy and Joey: For England![Joey gets up and makes dramatic slow-motion sounds as he attempts to “leap” over the barbed wire]
The Boy: He’s doin’ it! He’s doin’ it! [Joey catches his foot and falls clumsily to the ground] Oh no! No! [he puts his hands up like ears again and the stagehand kneels beside him] No! He’s…dead!
Joey: Just…just remember that I love you! I’ve always loved you! [he “dies”]
The Boy: [tearfully] You’re not just a War Horse, Joey! You’re a Friend Horse!
Joey: Wait! [he leaps to his feet]
The Boy: You’re not dead after all!
Joey: On the contrary! For the first time ever, I am alive!
The Boy and Joey: [chanting and fist-pumping] USA! USA! USA! USA! USA![the Audience Members are both crying]
Female Audience Member: It’s so good! So good! [Bill sobs] [all four actors join hands onstage]
All Actors: I want my War Horse! [they take a bow as the minstrel reappears]
Minstrel: [grandly] He…was…a…War…Horse!
Submitted by: Rose Esposito