SNL Transcripts: Jimmy Fallon: 12/17/11: War Horse


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 37: Episode 10

11j: Jimmy Fallon / Michael Bublé

War Horse

Male Audience Member…..Bill Hader
Female Audience Member…..Kristen Wiig
Announcer…..Paul Brittain
Joey the Horse, Jack Jacobson…..Jimmy Fallon
Minstrel…..Jason Sudeikis
The Boy, Frank Densby…..Andy Samberg
German Soldier…..Taran Killam
Puppeteer…..Kenan Thompson

[Exterior shot of a theatre with “War Horse” signs] [the Audience Members take their seats in the audience]

Male Audience Member: [with an English accent] It’s exciting, I can’t believe they brought “War Horse” to our town!

Female Audience Member: [also with an accent] Yes, I heard the movie is fantastic, but I’m so glad we’re seeing the play first.

Male Audience Member: The puppetry’s supposed to be amazing. It takes four puppeteers to operate the horse.

Female Audience Member: It’s so ambitious for a regional theatre!

[The house lights flash]

Male Audience Member: It’s starting.

Announcer: May I have your attention: please silence all cell phones and refrain from talking during the production. Also, in tonight’s performance, the role of the horse, normally played by a puppet and four puppeteers, will be played by Jack Jacobson. Thank you.

Male Audience Member: [frowning in confusion] Wait, what?

Female Audience Member: Did–did he say the horse was being played by a person?

[a trumpet sounds and the boy appears onstage]

The Boy: Where’s my horse? I want my horse! [horse’s hooves are heard offstage] I hear a horse, but I don’t see a horse! I want my horse!

[Jack Jacobson appears, dressed all in brown and imitating the sound of the hooves by drumming on his legs and neighing]

The Boy: [joyfully] It’s him! My war horse!

[the Audience Members look unimpressed]

Female Audience Member: So…that’s the horse?

Male Audience Member: Maybe the puppet was too expensive?

The Boy: I’m going to catch you now! You’d better finish your carrots! [he chases Joey the “horse” in a circle around the stage]

Female Audience Member: I—I feel like this might have been more impressive with the puppet.

Male Audience Member: This actor’s terrible at playing a horse.

The Boy: [clapping rhythmically] Look, now he’s dancing! [Joey starts doing the robot] War Horse can daaaance!

[A minstrel appears with a mandolin]

Minstrel: [singing as Joey continues dancing] Oh, they went to war and they fought that war, the boy and his horse together in the war! [the actor puts his hands on his head like a horse’s ears] Enjoy the intermission.

Female Audience Member: Wha–it’s intermission already?

Male Audience Member: It’s a very strange production…what does the program say?

Female Audience Member: Let’s see…[reads it] Wait a minute, it just says–oh. This is “Warm Horse,” with an M.

Male Audience Member: What the hell…? [the house lights flash] Oh, it’s starting again.

Announcer: The play will resume momentarily. For the second act, the role of The Boy, previously played by Frank Densby, will now be played by a puppet. [the Audience Members look even more confused]

Female Audience Member: [stammering] Now the boy is a puppet?!

Male Audience Member: Why would they switch during intermission?

[The trumpet sounds and the Joey comes back out, making hoof sounds and neighing/snorting. A German soldier approaches him]

German Soldier: Here, boy…easy does it, ja…you’re a long way from home! You’re in German hands now! [Joey “slows down,” then neighs angrily at the German, who startles] [A stagehand dressed in black appears with a small puppet of a boy on his hand and speaks his lines]

The Boy: War Horse! War Horse! Where’s my War Horse?

[the Audience Members look on in disbelief]

Male Audience Member: Wait, that’s the boy? I’m confused.

Female Audience Member: Um, is this the puppetry everyone’s been raving about?

The Boy: Joey! It is you! You’re back! I’ve got my War Horse again!

German Soldier: [laughs obnoxiously] You want your precious War Horse? It’s too bad there’s no escape. Unless you’re able to clear… [dramatically] that one-foot barbed wire! [points to a tiny fence sitting on the ground] Good luck, English boyyyyyy… [he fades out of the scene]

The Boy: Oh no, Joey! Whatever will we do?? [Joey comes over beside him and kneels down]

Joey: [speaking in a deep Cockney accent] Hop on, old friend! [the puppet sits on his shoulder]

Male Audience Member: The horse is talking?!

Joey: ‘Ere we go! For England!

The Boy and Joey: For England!

[Joey gets up and makes dramatic slow-motion sounds as he attempts to “leap” over the barbed wire]

The Boy: He’s doin’ it! He’s doin’ it! [Joey catches his foot and falls clumsily to the ground] Oh no! No! [he puts his hands up like ears again and the stagehand kneels beside him] No! He’s…dead!

[sad music plays as the Audience Members continue looking flummoxed]

Joey: Just…just remember that I love you! I’ve always loved you! [he “dies”]

The Boy: [tearfully] You’re not just a War Horse, Joey! You’re a Friend Horse!

Joey: Wait! [he leaps to his feet]

The Boy: You’re not dead after all!

Joey: On the contrary! For the first time ever, I am alive!

The Boy and Joey: [chanting and fist-pumping] USA! USA! USA! USA! USA!

[the Audience Members are both crying]

Female Audience Member: It’s so good! So good! [Bill sobs] [all four actors join hands onstage]

All Actors: I want my War Horse! [they take a bow as the minstrel reappears]

Minstrel: [grandly] He…was…a…War…Horse!

Submitted by: Rose Esposito

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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