SNL Transcripts: Charles Barkley: 01/07/12: Chantix


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 37: Episode 11

11k: Charles Barkley / Kelly Clarkson


Wife…..Kristen Wiig
Husband…..Bill Hader

[ open on couple sitting together on a couch ]

Announcer: Chantix. Real People. Real Stories.

Wife: I wanted to quit smoking. I had to quit smoking. For my son. For my husband. [ she touches his leg ]

Husband: Chantix is not a nicotine product. It helps reduce the urge to smoke.

Wife: Because smoking wasn’t a habit — it was an addiction. That’s why I asked my doctor about Chantix.

Announcer: [ over SUPERs ] Talk to your doctor about any history of depression or other mental health problems, which can get worse while using Chantix.

[ Wife sips from a cup of coffee ]

Announcer: Some people have had changes in behavior such as hostility, depressed mood, and homicidal thoughts and actions while taking Chantix.

[ Husband and Wife both look toward the camera with grave concern in their eyes ]

Announcer: If you notice changes in behavior such as a powerful, overwhelming desire to kill the person you love most, call your doctor right away.

[ Wife tries to assure her concerned Husband that that’s not th case ]

Announcer: Do not take Chantix in combination with other drugs, even seemingly harmess drugs such as caffeine… as they may drastically increase the desire to kill.

[ Wife stares at her coffee cup on the cofee table ]

Announcer: If you notice symptoms such as rashes… [ Wife scratches arm ] fever… [ Wife feels hot ] droopy lip… [ her lip droops ] Jazz Hands… [ she waves her hands ] Robert De Niro Face… [ Wife mimics Robert De Niro ] or have Incredible Hulk strength… [ Wife breaks her coffee cup in her bare hands ] then call the police right away — for it is beginning!

[ Husband cowers back ]

Announcer: But the most common side effect of Chantix is mild nausea. [ Wife is relieved ] As well as “waking nightmares”, where patients violently paw at the person sitting next to them. [ Wife paws at her Husband’s face ] So use caution when operating spaceships. Spaceships? Uh-oh! I think you’re having one of those “waking nightmares”! “Banana?” “Yes, Orange.” “I love you, Banana.” “I love you, Orange.” “Hi, Banana!” “Kill him! Kill your husband NOW!! KILL HIM!!”

[ Wife jumps to her feet and chases her Husband out of the room ] [ cut to Wife smoking a cigarette ]

Announcer: Chantix. Just keep smoking.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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