SNL Transcripts: Charles Barkley: 01/07/12: Chantix

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 37: Episode 11

11k: Charles Barkley / Kelly Clarkson


Wife…..Kristen Wiig
Husband…..Bill Hader

[ open on couple sitting together on a couch ]

Announcer: Chantix. Real People. Real Stories.

Wife: I wanted to quit smoking. I had to quit smoking. For my son. For my husband. [ she touches his leg ]

Husband: Chantix is not a nicotine product. It helps reduce the urge to smoke.

Wife: Because smoking wasn’t a habit — it was an addiction. That’s why I asked my doctor about Chantix.

Announcer: [ over SUPERs ] Talk to your doctor about any history of depression or other mental health problems, which can get worse while using Chantix.

[ Wife sips from a cup of coffee ]

Announcer: Some people have had changes in behavior such as hostility, depressed mood, and homicidal thoughts and actions while taking Chantix.

[ Husband and Wife both look toward the camera with grave concern in their eyes ]

Announcer: If you notice changes in behavior such as a powerful, overwhelming desire to kill the person you love most, call your doctor right away.

[ Wife tries to assure her concerned Husband that that’s not th case ]

Announcer: Do not take Chantix in combination with other drugs, even seemingly harmess drugs such as caffeine… as they may drastically increase the desire to kill.

[ Wife stares at her coffee cup on the cofee table ]

Announcer: If you notice symptoms such as rashes… [ Wife scratches arm ] fever… [ Wife feels hot ] droopy lip… [ her lip droops ] Jazz Hands… [ she waves her hands ] Robert De Niro Face… [ Wife mimics Robert De Niro ] or have Incredible Hulk strength… [ Wife breaks her coffee cup in her bare hands ] then call the police right away — for it is beginning!

[ Husband cowers back ]

Announcer: But the most common side effect of Chantix is mild nausea. [ Wife is relieved ] As well as “waking nightmares”, where patients violently paw at the person sitting next to them. [ Wife paws at her Husband’s face ] So use caution when operating spaceships. Spaceships? Uh-oh! I think you’re having one of those “waking nightmares”! “Banana?” “Yes, Orange.” “I love you, Banana.” “I love you, Orange.” “Hi, Banana!” “Kill him! Kill your husband NOW!! KILL HIM!!”

[ Wife jumps to her feet and chases her Husband out of the room ] [ cut to Wife smoking a cigarette ]

Announcer: Chantix. Just keep smoking.

[ fade ]

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