Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 37: Episode 11
[ open on couple sitting together on a couch ]
Announcer: Chantix. Real People. Real Stories.
Wife: I wanted to quit smoking. I had to quit smoking. For my son. For my husband. [ she touches his leg ]
Husband: Chantix is not a nicotine product. It helps reduce the urge to smoke.
Wife: Because smoking wasn’t a habit — it was an addiction. That’s why I asked my doctor about Chantix.
Announcer: [ over SUPERs ] Talk to your doctor about any history of depression or other mental health problems, which can get worse while using Chantix.[ Wife sips from a cup of coffee ]
Announcer: Some people have had changes in behavior such as hostility, depressed mood, and homicidal thoughts and actions while taking Chantix.[ Husband and Wife both look toward the camera with grave concern in their eyes ]
Announcer: If you notice changes in behavior such as a powerful, overwhelming desire to kill the person you love most, call your doctor right away.[ Wife tries to assure her concerned Husband that that’s not th case ]
Announcer: Do not take Chantix in combination with other drugs, even seemingly harmess drugs such as caffeine… as they may drastically increase the desire to kill.[ Wife stares at her coffee cup on the cofee table ]
Announcer: If you notice symptoms such as rashes… [ Wife scratches arm ] fever… [ Wife feels hot ] droopy lip… [ her lip droops ] Jazz Hands… [ she waves her hands ] Robert De Niro Face… [ Wife mimics Robert De Niro ] or have Incredible Hulk strength… [ Wife breaks her coffee cup in her bare hands ] then call the police right away — for it is beginning![ Husband cowers back ]
Announcer: But the most common side effect of Chantix is mild nausea. [ Wife is relieved ] As well as “waking nightmares”, where patients violently paw at the person sitting next to them. [ Wife paws at her Husband’s face ] So use caution when operating spaceships. Spaceships? Uh-oh! I think you’re having one of those “waking nightmares”! “Banana?” “Yes, Orange.” “I love you, Banana.” “I love you, Orange.” “Hi, Banana!” “Kill him! Kill your husband NOW!! KILL HIM!!”[ Wife jumps to her feet and chases her Husband out of the room ] [ cut to Wife smoking a cigarette ]
Announcer: Chantix. Just keep smoking.[ fade ]