SNL Transcripts: Charles Barkley: 01/07/12: Charles Barkley’s Monologue



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 11






11k: Charles Barkley / Kelly Clarkson

Charles Barkley’s Monologue

…..Charles Barkley

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Charles Barkley!

Charles Barkley: Thank you! Thank you! THank you very much! It’s great to be hosting “Saturday Night Live” again. This is my third trip hosting “Saturday Night Live”. I bet none of you thought I’d do it three times. But that’s okay — I did. I bet Scottie Pippen, and now he owes me $75,000! I’m so happy the NBA strike is over. The strike was a comp — it was complicated. It had so many sides to it. But, in a nutshell, the problem is: Ever since I left, the NBA’s been crap, and everybody’s broke. The end!

[ the audience cheers ]

Thank you. Some of you mgiht be looking up and saying, “Sir Charles looks less… less gigantic.” Thank you very much! As you might have heard, I teamed up with Weight Watchers. I’ve lost 38 pounds. [ the audience cheers ] Yep! 38 pounds! Or, as I like to think of it — one Muggsy Bogues. Now, why did I lose the weight? Well, when I was playing for the Sixers in the 80’s, reporters called me the Round Mound of Rebound. It made me think. And 25 years later, I decided to do something about it. Some of you might be saying, “Charles, isn’t Weight Watchers for ladies?” But I tell them, “Shut up, Michael Jordan!” Oh, and congrats on your engagement — that’s gonna go great, Mike! [ he laughs ] Seriously, though — I have no problem endorsing a feminine product. That reminds me: I have a new line of clothes at Ann Taylor.

[ reveal ad slide: “Ann Taylor, Charles Barkley Presents Phoenix Nights” ]

Charles Barkley Presents Phoenix Nights, a line of casual, contempo pantsuits for the working woman. The point is: Weight Watchers worked for me. I feel great, except for one thing: I am so hungry! I am starving! So please forgive me if I might eat one of you tonight. Y’all all look like turkey legs to me. [ he points into the audience ] Especially you.

But we have a great show for you tonight. A turkey leg named Kelly Clarkson is here. I’m gonna cover her in butter and gobble her up. So stick around, we’ll be right back.

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