SNL Transcripts: Charles Barkley: 01/07/12: Charles Barkley’s Monologue


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 37: Episode 11

11k: Charles Barkley / Kelly Clarkson

Charles Barkley’s Monologue

…..Charles Barkley

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Charles Barkley!

Charles Barkley: Thank you! Thank you! THank you very much! It’s great to be hosting “Saturday Night Live” again. This is my third trip hosting “Saturday Night Live”. I bet none of you thought I’d do it three times. But that’s okay — I did. I bet Scottie Pippen, and now he owes me $75,000! I’m so happy the NBA strike is over. The strike was a comp — it was complicated. It had so many sides to it. But, in a nutshell, the problem is: Ever since I left, the NBA’s been crap, and everybody’s broke. The end!

[ the audience cheers ]

Thank you. Some of you mgiht be looking up and saying, “Sir Charles looks less… less gigantic.” Thank you very much! As you might have heard, I teamed up with Weight Watchers. I’ve lost 38 pounds. [ the audience cheers ] Yep! 38 pounds! Or, as I like to think of it — one Muggsy Bogues. Now, why did I lose the weight? Well, when I was playing for the Sixers in the 80’s, reporters called me the Round Mound of Rebound. It made me think. And 25 years later, I decided to do something about it. Some of you might be saying, “Charles, isn’t Weight Watchers for ladies?” But I tell them, “Shut up, Michael Jordan!” Oh, and congrats on your engagement — that’s gonna go great, Mike! [ he laughs ] Seriously, though — I have no problem endorsing a feminine product. That reminds me: I have a new line of clothes at Ann Taylor.

[ reveal ad slide: “Ann Taylor, Charles Barkley Presents Phoenix Nights” ]

Charles Barkley Presents Phoenix Nights, a line of casual, contempo pantsuits for the working woman. The point is: Weight Watchers worked for me. I feel great, except for one thing: I am so hungry! I am starving! So please forgive me if I might eat one of you tonight. Y’all all look like turkey legs to me. [ he points into the audience ] Especially you.

But we have a great show for you tonight. A turkey leg named Kelly Clarkson is here. I’m gonna cover her in butter and gobble her up. So stick around, we’ll be right back.

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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