SNL Transcripts: Charles Barkley: 01/07/12: Inside the NBA


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 37: Episode 11

11k: Charles Barkley / Kelly Clarkson

Inside the NBA

Ernie Johnson, Jr…..Bill Hader
Shaquille O’Neal…..Charles Barkley
Charles Barkley…..Kenan Thompson
Kenny Smith…..Jay Pharoah

[ open on commentators seated at broadcast desk ]

Ernie Johnson, Jr.: Hello, and welcome to “Inside the NBA”! I’m Ernie Johnson. With me, as always, is Kenny “The Jet” Smith…

Kenny Smith: Ha ha! Hey da!

Ernie Johnson, Jr.: Mr. Charles Barkley…

Charles Barkley: Hey, great to be here, E.J.!

Ernie Johnson, Jr.: Tonight, we welcome the newest member of the TNT family — Superman himself, Shaquille O’Neal!

Shaquille O’Neal: [ subdued ] It’s me. Shaq. I’m here now. I’m on TV. I’m Shaq.

Charles Barkley: Man! Shaq, you gotta ENUNCIATE! You make me sound like Sidney Porti-errrr!

Kenny Smith: [ laughing ] Ooh, Shaq! You got burned!

Ernie Johnson, Jr.: Guys, guys, settle down. You promised me that this year you would cool it with the hijinks and the pranks and focus on BASKETBALL, okay? [ something whizzes past his face ] Hey, what was that?

Charles Barkley: Oh. Kenny just dared me to throw a piece of baloney at Shaq’s head.

Shaquille O’Neal: [ not seeing the baloney on his forehead ] Ha ha — too bad you missed!

Ernie Johnson, Jr.: [ shaking his head ] We’re off to a great start. Let’s look at some scores. [ show scoreboard ] Tuesday, the Memphis Grizzlies defeated the Minnesota Timberwolves, 90 to 86 — a combined 20 points for Tony Allen. Charles, what are your thoughts on Memphis?

Charles Barkley: Oh, Memphis? I LOVE Memphis! One time I was there with Karl Malone, and we got so drunk we hijacked a riverboat and made them turn it into a casino! And then we dared Akima Hakeem Olajuwon to fight an alligator to the death, and I lost fifty grand betting on the alligator!

Shaquille O’Neal: Yeah. Memphis is a good one. One time I was there… I had ribs.

Charles Barkley: [ throws his hands in the air ] That’s it?! Shaw, that story was turr-bull! The only thing worse than that story is your neck beard! I mean, it looks like your big fat head is casting a shadow! And why is it so low?! Is it running away from the rest of your face?

Kenny Smith: [ laughing ] Yeah, Shaq! You look like an Amish Mr. Clean!

[ Barkley laughs ]

Shaquille O’Neal: [ fuming ] Yeah? Well, you’re BALD!!

Charles Barkley: You bald, TOO, dummy! We’re ALL bald!

Ernie Johnson, Jr.: Guys, guys…

Kenny Smith: Okay, I know how to solve this! Golf cart racing!

Charles Barkley: Yeah! Golf cart racing! Golf cart racing!

Ernie Johnson, Jr.: No! This is a professional television show, guys! [ they all boo ] Yeah, boo me! Boo me! I love it! [ continuing ] In an earlier game tonight, the Sacramento Kings beat ‘Waukee Bucks, 103 to 100, amid rumors that DeMarcus Cousins demand that his coach be fired! Interesting.

Charles Barkley: Okay, Ernie, you want some basketball analysis? Well, I think DeMarcus Cousins… [ he reaches down for a prop ]

Kenny Smith: Uh-oh! Uh-oh, here we go!

Charles Barkley: [ putting on baby bonnet ] is a little baby!

Kenny Smith: [ laughing ] Baby hat! He got a baby hat! Baby hat in the house!

Shaquille O’Neal: [ subdued ] I had to wear a baby bonnet once — when I was a baby.

[ everyone stares at him ]

Charles Barkley: Oh, my God, Shaq! What is going on with your stories? You are the most BORING person I’ve ever met — and I know ERNIE!

Ernie Johnson, Jr.: Heyyy! What!

Kenny Smith: Hey, well, at least Shaq got FOUR championship rings!

Charles Barkley: Oh, yeah, he got four rings — and it sounds like they all stuck in his throat!

Ernie Johnson, Jr.: If you’re just joining us — if you’re just tuning in — this show is about basketball. So let’s look at the week’s scoring leaders. [ Golf Cart Races graphic appears ] Wait, what’s this?

Kenny Smith: It’s the times of last night’s gold cart races! I beat Shaq by EIGHT seconds!

Ernie Johnson, Jr.: Well, why is there an asterisk next to your time, Charles?

Charles Barkley: Uh, because I got arrested. Luckily, I’m Charles Barkley… so I told a couple of stories, took a couple photos, and they let me go.

Shaquille O’Neal: That’s because people love you, Charles Barkley. [ he winks ]

Charles Barkley: That’s right. That is true.

Kenny Smith: Okay, here’s an idea: Let’s see who can stand on one foot the longest. Let’s do that.

Ernie Johnson, Jr.: No, no, let’s not. Come on, now why do you guys hate to talk about basketball so much?

Charles Barkley: ‘Cause we PLAY basketball! We don’t want to TALK about it! It would be like you talking about shopping for ugly ties!

Kenny Smith: Exactly!

Ernie Johnson, Jr.: Can I at least get your predictions for the late game?

Shaquille O’Neal: [ rubbing crystal ball ] I have a prediction… [ lightining flashes ] for I am the Great Shaqradamus.

Ernie Johnson, Jr.: Who’s giving him all these props?

Shaquille O’Neal: I will predict that Charles Barkley gonna be FAT again. He’ll be so fat, he’ll star in “Fat” — [ correcting himself ] “Free Willy 2”.

Charles Barkley: First of all, Dummy — there was already a “Free Willy 2”! But I’d rather be in “Free Willy 2” than “Kazaam 1”! Shaq, I wouldn’t see your movies if they were playing in my eyelids!

Kenny Smith: [ laughing ] Oh, man! Your movies! On his eyelids! Plus a baby hat! Oh, no!

Ernie Johnson, Jr.: [ chuckling ] We’re all black friends! [ silence ] Alright, let’s take a break. When we return, I’ll try to show some highlights, while Charles tries to eat a hundred Saltines in one minute.

Charles Barkley: Oh, Ernie, Ernie! Shaq is asleep.

[ Shaq is snoring ]

Kenny Smith: Oh, man — quick! We need a glass of warm water, whipped cream…

Charles Barkley: A ping-pong ball…

Kenny Smith: Some lipstick…

Charles Barkley: A tennis racquet…

Kenny Smith: A string…

Charles Barkley: Syrup…

Ernie Johnson, Jr.: Okay, guys, guys…

Kenny Smith: Three eggs…

Charles Barkley: Some sawdust…

Kenny Smith: A live monkey…

Charles Barkley: Let’s get some eggs…

[ cut to program graphics ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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