SNL Transcripts: Charles Barkley: 01/07/12: Inside the NBA

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 37: Episode 11

11k: Charles Barkley / Kelly Clarkson

Inside the NBA

Ernie Johnson, Jr…..Bill Hader
Shaquille O’Neal…..Charles Barkley
Charles Barkley…..Kenan Thompson
Kenny Smith…..Jay Pharoah

[ open on commentators seated at broadcast desk ]

Ernie Johnson, Jr.: Hello, and welcome to “Inside the NBA”! I’m Ernie Johnson. With me, as always, is Kenny “The Jet” Smith…

Kenny Smith: Ha ha! Hey da!

Ernie Johnson, Jr.: Mr. Charles Barkley…

Charles Barkley: Hey, great to be here, E.J.!

Ernie Johnson, Jr.: Tonight, we welcome the newest member of the TNT family — Superman himself, Shaquille O’Neal!

Shaquille O’Neal: [ subdued ] It’s me. Shaq. I’m here now. I’m on TV. I’m Shaq.

Charles Barkley: Man! Shaq, you gotta ENUNCIATE! You make me sound like Sidney Porti-errrr!

Kenny Smith: [ laughing ] Ooh, Shaq! You got burned!

Ernie Johnson, Jr.: Guys, guys, settle down. You promised me that this year you would cool it with the hijinks and the pranks and focus on BASKETBALL, okay? [ something whizzes past his face ] Hey, what was that?

Charles Barkley: Oh. Kenny just dared me to throw a piece of baloney at Shaq’s head.

Shaquille O’Neal: [ not seeing the baloney on his forehead ] Ha ha — too bad you missed!

Ernie Johnson, Jr.: [ shaking his head ] We’re off to a great start. Let’s look at some scores. [ show scoreboard ] Tuesday, the Memphis Grizzlies defeated the Minnesota Timberwolves, 90 to 86 — a combined 20 points for Tony Allen. Charles, what are your thoughts on Memphis?

Charles Barkley: Oh, Memphis? I LOVE Memphis! One time I was there with Karl Malone, and we got so drunk we hijacked a riverboat and made them turn it into a casino! And then we dared Akima Hakeem Olajuwon to fight an alligator to the death, and I lost fifty grand betting on the alligator!

Shaquille O’Neal: Yeah. Memphis is a good one. One time I was there… I had ribs.

Charles Barkley: [ throws his hands in the air ] That’s it?! Shaw, that story was turr-bull! The only thing worse than that story is your neck beard! I mean, it looks like your big fat head is casting a shadow! And why is it so low?! Is it running away from the rest of your face?

Kenny Smith: [ laughing ] Yeah, Shaq! You look like an Amish Mr. Clean!

[ Barkley laughs ]

Shaquille O’Neal: [ fuming ] Yeah? Well, you’re BALD!!

Charles Barkley: You bald, TOO, dummy! We’re ALL bald!

Ernie Johnson, Jr.: Guys, guys…

Kenny Smith: Okay, I know how to solve this! Golf cart racing!

Charles Barkley: Yeah! Golf cart racing! Golf cart racing!

Ernie Johnson, Jr.: No! This is a professional television show, guys! [ they all boo ] Yeah, boo me! Boo me! I love it! [ continuing ] In an earlier game tonight, the Sacramento Kings beat ‘Waukee Bucks, 103 to 100, amid rumors that DeMarcus Cousins demand that his coach be fired! Interesting.

Charles Barkley: Okay, Ernie, you want some basketball analysis? Well, I think DeMarcus Cousins… [ he reaches down for a prop ]

Kenny Smith: Uh-oh! Uh-oh, here we go!

Charles Barkley: [ putting on baby bonnet ] is a little baby!

Kenny Smith: [ laughing ] Baby hat! He got a baby hat! Baby hat in the house!

Shaquille O’Neal: [ subdued ] I had to wear a baby bonnet once — when I was a baby.

[ everyone stares at him ]

Charles Barkley: Oh, my God, Shaq! What is going on with your stories? You are the most BORING person I’ve ever met — and I know ERNIE!

Ernie Johnson, Jr.: Heyyy! What!

Kenny Smith: Hey, well, at least Shaq got FOUR championship rings!

Charles Barkley: Oh, yeah, he got four rings — and it sounds like they all stuck in his throat!

Ernie Johnson, Jr.: If you’re just joining us — if you’re just tuning in — this show is about basketball. So let’s look at the week’s scoring leaders. [ Golf Cart Races graphic appears ] Wait, what’s this?

Kenny Smith: It’s the times of last night’s gold cart races! I beat Shaq by EIGHT seconds!

Ernie Johnson, Jr.: Well, why is there an asterisk next to your time, Charles?

Charles Barkley: Uh, because I got arrested. Luckily, I’m Charles Barkley… so I told a couple of stories, took a couple photos, and they let me go.

Shaquille O’Neal: That’s because people love you, Charles Barkley. [ he winks ]

Charles Barkley: That’s right. That is true.

Kenny Smith: Okay, here’s an idea: Let’s see who can stand on one foot the longest. Let’s do that.

Ernie Johnson, Jr.: No, no, let’s not. Come on, now why do you guys hate to talk about basketball so much?

Charles Barkley: ‘Cause we PLAY basketball! We don’t want to TALK about it! It would be like you talking about shopping for ugly ties!

Kenny Smith: Exactly!

Ernie Johnson, Jr.: Can I at least get your predictions for the late game?

Shaquille O’Neal: [ rubbing crystal ball ] I have a prediction… [ lightining flashes ] for I am the Great Shaqradamus.

Ernie Johnson, Jr.: Who’s giving him all these props?

Shaquille O’Neal: I will predict that Charles Barkley gonna be FAT again. He’ll be so fat, he’ll star in “Fat” — [ correcting himself ] “Free Willy 2”.

Charles Barkley: First of all, Dummy — there was already a “Free Willy 2”! But I’d rather be in “Free Willy 2” than “Kazaam 1”! Shaq, I wouldn’t see your movies if they were playing in my eyelids!

Kenny Smith: [ laughing ] Oh, man! Your movies! On his eyelids! Plus a baby hat! Oh, no!

Ernie Johnson, Jr.: [ chuckling ] We’re all black friends! [ silence ] Alright, let’s take a break. When we return, I’ll try to show some highlights, while Charles tries to eat a hundred Saltines in one minute.

Charles Barkley: Oh, Ernie, Ernie! Shaq is asleep.

[ Shaq is snoring ]

Kenny Smith: Oh, man — quick! We need a glass of warm water, whipped cream…

Charles Barkley: A ping-pong ball…

Kenny Smith: Some lipstick…

Charles Barkley: A tennis racquet…

Kenny Smith: A string…

Charles Barkley: Syrup…

Ernie Johnson, Jr.: Okay, guys, guys…

Kenny Smith: Three eggs…

Charles Barkley: Some sawdust…

Kenny Smith: A live monkey…

Charles Barkley: Let’s get some eggs…

[ cut to program graphics ] [ fade ]

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