Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 37: Episode 11
White People Problems
Rashad Evory…..Kenan Thompson
Michael “Baby Dice” Ellington…..Jay Pharoah
Kayla Vandercronk…..Kristen Wiig
Trevor Vandercronk…..Taran Killam
Announcer: You’re watching Investigation Discovery.[ dissolve to Dramatic Re-enactment of couple arguing with clerk at airport counter ]
Charles Barkley V/O: Dylan and Casey were flying to a weekend getaway in Key West. When they got to the airport, they discovered their seats were not together.[ dissolve to Charles Barkley ]
Charles Barkley: Unfortunate situations like this one happen to millions of people every day, and we’ll explore them on “White People Problems” ] [ dissolve to opening graphics ] [ dissolve back to Charles Barkley ]
Charles Barkley: Let’s start with Dylan and Casey. Even though they bought their tickets separately, they assumed the airline would know “they ALWAYS sit together.”
Charles Barkley: I’m joined by Rashad Evory, who is the Delta clerk on the scene. Rashad, were Dylan and Casey married, or is he just hittin’ that.
Rashad Evory: Neither, man. They was just friends!
Charles Barkley: He’s friends with a woman he’s not having sex with?
Rashad Evory: [ chuckling ] Hey… some white guys do that — I don’t know, man! So she started screaming about how she gets nervous flying, and needs him to sit next to her.
Charles Barkley: They should just DRIVE!
Rashad Evory: That’s what I said! But he was, like, [ exaggerated ] “You expect me to drive all the way to Key West?!” You know how white dudes talk! [ they both laugh ] And I’m like, “Why not?!”
Charles Barkley: You know, I had to drive to a family reunion in Puerto Rico one time.
Rashad Evory: My cousin drive to Australia in a Cadillac Fleetwood!
Charles Barkley: That’s right! Now, walk me through happened next.
Rashad Evory: Oh, I don’t know — I went on break!
Charles Barkley: There you go![ they smack hands, as title graphics swoosh across the screen and lead to Barkley alone once again ]
Charles Barkley: [ catching his breath ] Next up on “White People Problems”, Ashley was just some ordinary mom taking her kids to Arby’s. But when she started to ask questions, she found herself staring down the barrel of a Caucasian crisis.
Ashley: Now… does this chicken come from green organic farms?[ the Black cashier stares at the camera ] [ return to Barkley, now standing with the cashier ]
Charles Barkley: Michael “Baby Dice” Ellington was on the scene. Now, “Dice” — what was going on with this lady?
Michael “Baby Dice” Ellington: [ shrugging ] She wanted to know about the chicken.
Charles Barkley: Like was it delicious?
Michael “Baby Dice” Ellington: No. She was like, “Is the chicken free-range?” Like, “Was it cooped up with other chickens, or did it have the freedom to come and go as it pleased?”
Charles Barkley: Are you serious?! She was worrying about that?! Has this woman ever heard of slavery?!
Michael “Baby Dice” Ellington: I don’t think so.
Charles Barkley: Well, then, what did she say?
Michael “Baby Dice” Ellington: She said, uhhh… uhhhh…
Charles Barkley: Oh, you weren’t listening?
Michael “Baby Dice” Ellington: I wasn’t listening.
Charles Barkley: I know. Hey, that’s what they call — they call that White Noise.
Michael “Baby Dice” Ellington: Oh, right, right![ they smack hands and laugh, as title graphics swoosh across the screen and lead to Barkley alone once again, with “BREAKING CRISIS” graphics ]
Charles Barkley: Hey — we just received word from the crisis center that there’s a white emergency in progress. Let’s talk live with Trevor and Cayla Vandercronk.[ reveal Trevor and Cayla live via satellite ]
Cayla Vandercronk: Hello? Is someone there?
Charles Barkley: Yes! Thank you for joining us with some very important problems. What’s the situation?
Trevor Vandercronk: Well… this whole thing is a bit awkward.
Charles Barkley: For those of you at home, “awkward” is a white people word that can be applied to every situation.” Trevor, what’s happening?
Trevor Vandercronk: Well, we told our friends they could stay at our summer house this weekend, but… now our plans have changed and… we want to stay there.
Cayla Vandercronk: [ smiling ] It’s the worst!
Charles Barkley: Yes, that is the worst. Why don’t you just stay there with them — you stay in your room, and they sleep in the bath tub?
Cayla Vandercronk: Well, it’s not a problem of room — we have five spare bedrooms.
Charles Barkley: [ outraged ] Why do you have FIVE spare bedrooms?! Do you have FIVE grandmas?!
Trevor Vandercronk: No. Look — the whole thing is really delicate, because this is a couple we used to do the holidays with, and we don’t any more, and there’s hurt feelings all around… so…
Charles Barkley: Man, that problem is so WHITE it should go SNOWBOARDING!
Cayla Vandercronk: Can you help us?
Charles Barkley: No, I’m on break![ Barkley leaves ]
Trevor Vandercronk: [ confused ] Hello?
Cayla Vandercronk: He was just talking to us…
Trevor Vandercronk: Is it…? Did we…?[ cut to Barkley approaching Michael and Rashad with a black girl backstage ]
Charles Barkley: What up, darling?[ cut to title graphics ] [ fade ]