SNL Transcripts: Daniel Radcliffe: 01/14/12

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 12


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Air Date:

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January 14th, 2012

Daniel Radcliffe

Lana Del Rey

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Romney: Believe in AmericaSummary: Mitt Romney (Jason Sudeikis) brings his campaign to the people of South Carolina, and tries to relate in a normal manner to some of them while dining at Jim Bob’s Kitchen.

Recurring Characters: Mitt Romney.

Transcript

Montage

Daniel Radcliffe’s MonologueSummary: Daniel Radcliffe admits to the audience that he’d rather not do the expected “Harry Potter” sketch, considering the many parodies “SNL” has already done over the years.

Transcript

Ricky Gervais PromosSummary: After his controversial hosting of last year’s Golden Globes, Ricky Gervais (Jason Sudeikis) is back to host again, and will also be pushing the envelope as host of Nick’s Kids Choice Awards, the BET Awards, and many others.

Recurring Characters: Ricky Gervais.

Target LadySummary: Despite being harassed by the manager (Bill Hader), stock boy (Daniel Radcliffe) tries to buff himself up so the Target Lady (Kristen Wiig) will take notice of his romantic intentions.

Recurring Characters: Target Lady.

You Can Do Anything!Summary: No-talent hacks who have posted their videos online are invited to perform their half-assed schtick on television.

Transcript

Spin The BottleSummary: Dave’s (Daniel Radcliffe) trepidations about playing Spin The Bottle are confirmed when his spins keep landing on a series of homeless hoboes (Bobby Moynihan, Fred Armisen, Kenan Thompson, Bill Hader, Jay Pharoah).

Delaware FellasSummary: The new musical may be a lame, low-cost rip-off of “Jersey Boys”, but it has the full approval of Vice-President Joe Biden (Jason Sudeikis).

Recurring Characters: Joe Biden.

Hogwarts AcademySummary: Ten years after graduating, boy-wizard Harry Potter (Daniel Radcliffe) remains at Hogwart’s as a hanger-on still reliving his past glories.

Recurring Characters: Harry Potter, Ron Weasley, Hermione Granger.

Transcript

Lana Del Rey performs “Video Games”

Weekend Update with Seth MeyersSummary: Kim Jong Un’s Two Best Friends From Growing Up (Vanessa Bayer, Fred Armisen) gush about him while quietly distancing themselves from his behavioral quirks. Casey Anthony’s newly-adopted Yorkshire Terrior (Daniel Radcliffe) comments on his misfortune to now be living with the murderous mom.

X27B TheaterSummary: In 2112, a theater group performs a play about how life was lived one hundred years earlier, aptly demonstrating how comically life has changed during that time.

Glenda Okones for MayorSummary: Frowny-faced Glen Falls mayoral candidate Glenda Okones (Kristen Wiig) runs an attack ad on herself.

Transcript

Glenda Okones for Mayor IISummary: Frowny-faced Glen Falls mayoral candidate Glenda Okones (Kristen Wiig) lists further flaws in a personalized attack ad on herself.

Transcript

The Jay Pharoah ShowSummary: Jay Pharoah interviews Daniel Radcliffe, despite being ignorant about the “Harry Potter” films and only able to perform his usual celebrity impressions.

Transcript

Glenda Okones for Mayor IIISummary: Frowny-faced Glen Falls mayoral candidate Glenda Okones (Kristen Wiig) lists yet another character flaw during a flagrant attack ad on herself.

Transcript

Lana Del Rey performs “Blue Jeans”

Exit PollingSummary: In New Hampshire, an overeager pollster (Kristen Wiig) propositions primary voter (Daniel Radcliffe) after he casts his ballot.

Transcript

Headz UpSummary: The text-based app that clues people to their surroundings and keeps them out of danger while their eyes are glued to their tech devices.

Note: This ad parody has been cut from several dress rehearsals throughout the season.

GoodnightsTranscript

Dress Rehearsal Cuts

Maternity WardSummary: Jay-Z (Jay Pharoah) visits the maternity ward after Beyonce gives birth to their child.

Verizon

CruiseSummary: While on their anniversary cruise, a married couple (Jason Sudeikis, Kristen Wiig) focus only on one another, despite attempts by their kids (Danielle Radcliffe, Vanessa Bayer) to alert them about Grandma’s (Nasim Pedrad) failing health.

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