SNL Transcripts: Daniel Radcliffe: 01/14/12: You Can Do Anything!

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 37: Episode 12

11l: Daniel Radcliffe / Lana Del Rey

You Can Do Anything!

Kristina Nichols…..Vanessa Bayer
Roger Knight…..Bill Hader
Liam Terry…..Taran Killam
Taylor Dawn…..Jason Sudeikis
Brad Lewis…..Daniel Radcliffe

Kristina Nichols: Hi, I’m Kristina Nichols. I’m a photo blogger.

Roger Knight: I’m Roger Knight, an independant filmmaker.

Kristina Nichols: And welcome to “You Can Do Anything!”, the only show that celebrates the incredibly high self-esteem of the YouTube generation.

Roger Knight: Because now, thanks to technology and everyone being huge pussies about everything, it doesn’t matter if you have skills or training or user experience, you can do it.

Kristina Nichols: You can do anything!

Roger Knight: So let’s welcome our first guest: Liam Terry!

[ Liam Terry enters ]

Liam Terry: Hi everyone, I’m Liam Terry from

Kristina Nichols: You’re so self-promotional, and everyone enjoys that!

Roger Knight: Tell us, what will you be doing today?

Liam Terry: I’ll be juggling ten bowling pins!

Roger Knight: So you’re a juggler?

Liam Terry: No.

Kristina Nichols: But you have juggled before?

Liam Terry: Never.

Roger Knight & Kristina Nichols: Then you can do it!

[ he throws the ten pins in the air, and they come crashing down on him ]

Liam Terry: [ proudly ] I juggled!

Roger Knight: You sure did. Now when people ask if you’re a juggler, you can say yes!

Liam Terry: Because I have no shame or self-awareness.

Kristina Nichols: Okay, let’s meet our next guest. Liam, you can leave or stay, whichever you’d like.

Liam Terry: I’ll stay, because I’m full of unearned confidence.

Roger Knight: That’s great. Let’s welcome our next guest: Taylor Dawn. [ Taylor Dawn enters ] Taylor! Great. Tell us about yourself.

Taylor Dawn: Well, I’m what you would call Twitter famous.

Roger Knight: Meaning?

Taylor Dawn: Not famous.

Kristina Nichols: And I assume your self-esteem reflects that?

Taylor Dawn: No, no, on the contrary, my self-esteem is through the roof, because no one has never been honest with me about how mediocre I am.

Roger Knight: And what if someone were to be honest with you?

Taylor Dawn: I would immediately cry.

Kristina Nichols: And that’s accepted now. So, what will you be doing today?

Taylor Dawn: I’ll be performing a song I wrote based upon a poem I wrote.

Kristina Nichols: Oh good, the world needs more singer-songwriters and fewer doctors and engineers.

Roger Knight & Kristina Nichols: And you can do anything!

Taylor Dawn: [ singing ] “A blue bird on a red wood / A green apple on a yellow taxi / An orange orange on a blue bird / Black and white are the same color.” I’ve never been punched!

Roger Knight: Out of curiosity, how is your relationship with your parents?

Taylor Dawn: Oh it’s great, they’re my two best friends and they, you know, they always tell me I’m great I am at everything.

Kristina Nichols: Is that why you’re so sucky and you don’t realize it?

Taylor Dawn: Probably, yeah…

Roger Knight: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah… [ they laugh ] Let’s welcome our final guest: Brad Lewis.

[ Brad Lewis enters ]

Brad Lewis: Thanks.

Roger Knight: Brad, backstage you were confused and upset because our producer didn’t know who you were?

Brad Lewis: Oh, correct, you see I posted a video of myself online and one thousand people have watched it, therefore I assume everyone knows my name and admires my work.

Kristina Nichols: It’s almost as though you consider yourself a star even though you’re shockingly unfamous.

Brad Lewis: And untalented.

Roger Knight: Correct. Correct. If you think you’re talented, then you are.

Brad Lewis: Well, it’s like Albert Einstein said: “Genius is one percent inspiration and ninety-nine percent getting your name out there!”

Roger Knight: What will you be doing today, Brad?

Brad Lewis: I’ll be combining my two life’s passions: Irish dancing and Chinese calliography.

Kristina Nichols: Which I believe was your double major in college?

Brad Lewis: No, I majored in poetry and clowning, it cost my parents about 400… uh, about $45,000 a year.

Roger Knight & Kristina Nichols: See? You can do anything!

Brad Lewis: Hit it!

[ he begins to Irish dance as he draws random lines on an easel ]

Brad Lewis: I went to a schol with no grades!

Roger Knight: Great work, Brad. Great, great, great work, Brad.

Brad Lewis: I tried and therefore no one should criticize me.

Roger Knight: Let’s take a break.

Kristina Nichols: When we return, I’ll give out the award for the best guest to all of our guests on…

Roger Knight & Kristina Nichols: “You Can Do Anything!”

Submitted by: Jacques

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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