Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 37: Episode 12
You Can Do Anything!
Kristina Nichols…..Vanessa Bayer
Roger Knight…..Bill Hader
Liam Terry…..Taran Killam
Taylor Dawn…..Jason Sudeikis
Brad Lewis…..Daniel Radcliffe
Kristina Nichols: Hi, Im Kristina Nichols. Im a photo blogger.
Roger Knight: Im Roger Knight, an independant filmmaker.
Kristina Nichols: And welcome to You Can Do Anything!, the only show that celebrates the incredibly high self-esteem of the YouTube generation.
Roger Knight: Because now, thanks to technology and everyone being huge pussies about everything, it doesnt matter if you have skills or training or user experience, you can do it.
Kristina Nichols: You can do anything!
Roger Knight: So lets welcome our first guest: Liam Terry![ Liam Terry enters ]
Liam Terry: Hi everyone, Im Liam Terry from liamterry.com.
Kristina Nichols: Youre so self-promotional, and everyone enjoys that!
Roger Knight: Tell us, what will you be doing today?
Liam Terry: Ill be juggling ten bowling pins!
Roger Knight: So youre a juggler?
Liam Terry: No.
Kristina Nichols: But you have juggled before?
Liam Terry: Never.
Roger Knight & Kristina Nichols: Then you can do it!
Liam Terry: [ proudly ] I juggled!
Roger Knight: You sure did. Now when people ask if youre a juggler, you can say yes!
Liam Terry: Because I have no shame or self-awareness.
Kristina Nichols: Okay, lets meet our next guest. Liam, you can leave or stay, whichever youd like.
Liam Terry: Ill stay, because Im full of unearned confidence.
Roger Knight: Thats great. Lets welcome our next guest: Taylor Dawn. [ Taylor Dawn enters ] Taylor! Great. Tell us about yourself.
Taylor Dawn: Well, Im what you would call Twitter famous.
Roger Knight: Meaning?
Taylor Dawn: Not famous.
Kristina Nichols: And I assume your self-esteem reflects that?
Taylor Dawn: No, no, on the contrary, my self-esteem is through the roof, because no one has never been honest with me about how mediocre I am.
Roger Knight: And what if someone were to be honest with you?
Taylor Dawn: I would immediately cry.
Kristina Nichols: And thats accepted now. So, what will you be doing today?
Taylor Dawn: Ill be performing a song I wrote based upon a poem I wrote.
Kristina Nichols: Oh good, the world needs more singer-songwriters and fewer doctors and engineers.
Roger Knight & Kristina Nichols: And you can do anything!
Taylor Dawn: [ singing ] A blue bird on a red wood / A green apple on a yellow taxi / An orange orange on a blue bird / Black and white are the same color. Ive never been punched!
Roger Knight: Out of curiosity, how is your relationship with your parents?
Taylor Dawn: Oh its great, theyre my two best friends and they, you know, they always tell me Im great I am at everything.
Kristina Nichols: Is that why you’re so sucky and you dont realize it?
Taylor Dawn: Probably, yeah…
Roger Knight: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah… [ they laugh ] Lets welcome our final guest: Brad Lewis.[ Brad Lewis enters ]
Brad Lewis: Thanks.
Roger Knight: Brad, backstage you were confused and upset because our producer didnt know who you were?
Brad Lewis: Oh, correct, you see I posted a video of myself online and one thousand people have watched it, therefore I assume everyone knows my name and admires my work.
Kristina Nichols: Its almost as though you consider yourself a star even though youre shockingly unfamous.
Brad Lewis: And untalented.
Roger Knight: Correct. Correct. If you think you’re talented, then you are.
Brad Lewis: Well, it’s like Albert Einstein said: “Genius is one percent inspiration and ninety-nine percent getting your name out there!”
Roger Knight: What will you be doing today, Brad?
Brad Lewis: Ill be combining my two lifes passions: Irish dancing and Chinese calliography.
Kristina Nichols: Which I believe was your double major in college?
Brad Lewis: No, I majored in poetry and clowning, it cost my parents about 400… uh, about $45,000 a year.
Roger Knight & Kristina Nichols: See? You can do anything!
Brad Lewis: Hit it![ he begins to Irish dance as he draws random lines on an easel ]
Brad Lewis: I went to a schol with no grades!
Roger Knight: Great work, Brad. Great, great, great work, Brad.
Brad Lewis: I tried and therefore no one should criticize me.
Roger Knight: Lets take a break.
Kristina Nichols: When we return, Ill give out the award for the best guest to all of our guests on…
Roger Knight & Kristina Nichols: You Can Do Anything!
Submitted by: Jacques