SNL Transcripts: Daniel Radcliffe: 01/14/12: Daniel Radcliffe’s Monologue


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 37: Episode 12

11l: Daniel Radcliffe / Lana Del Rey

Daniel Radcliffe’s Monologue

…..Daniel Radcliffe
Dumbledore…..Jason Sudeikis
Harry Pothead…..Paul Brittain
Snooki…..Bobby Moynihan
The Situation…..Bill Hader

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Daniel Radcliffe!

Daniel Radcliffe: Thank you very, very much! Thank you! It is so GREAT to — thank you SO MUCH, everybody! It is so great to be here hosting “Saturday Night Live”! [ an audience member screams ] Indeed! I love being in New York City! In fact, I just finished a run on Broadway in the musical “How to Succeed In Business Without Really Trying”… [ the audience cheers ] Thank you very much. I play Jay Pierpont Finch, in what I am almost CERTAIN will be the role people will always most associate me with!

But, of course, the biggest news is that, last year, the final “Harry Potter” film was released. Uh, the — [ the audience applauds ] Thank you! The incredible thing about the “Harry Potter” franchise is how it touched fans of all ages across the world. And to the children who love Harry Potter, I want to say: “Your enthusiasm was the real magic. I so enjoyed being on the journey with you.” And to the adults who read the Harry Potter books and devoured them, I just want to say: “Those books were for children. You were reading children’s books! I know they were long, but that’s because the letters were big — you know, for children?” Uh — I am joking, of course. I would NEVER insult the adult fans of Harry Potter. Though, if I did, what’s the worst they could do? It’s not like the wands they carry around are real. A joke!

Now, when I agreed to host “SNL”, one of the biggest questions I had was how much should we do with Harry Potter, taking into account that, over the years, there have been multiple Harry Potter sketches on the show. I, in fact, myself, have been played by the likes of [ reveal screen captures ] Bill Hader… Hugh Jackman… and, of course, Rachel Dratch. I think we can all agree Jackman came the closest! So, with a history of “Harry Potter” scenes at the show already, I said to Lorne, “If at all possible, let’s not do one. No one wants to see Dumbledore working at Harry Pottery Barn.” [ Jason Sudeikis appears behind him dressed as Dumbledore holding up pots ] “I mean — and, if we can, let’s not do Harry Pothead.” [ Paul Brittain dressed as stoner Harry Potter appears behind him ] Now — by your reactions, I can’t help but think they walked up behind me and made a hasty retreat. That makes sense, as, thinking back to my conversation with Lorne, he gave me very few signals that he was listening to a word I said. Which, I believe means it is highly likely that you will see a “Harry Potter” sketch tonight. [ the audience cheers ] Although, I just truly hope it is not “Jersey Shore Hogwarts”. [ Bobby Moynihan and Bill Hader appear as Snooki and The Situation behind him ] I mean, “Jersey Shore Hogwarts” — how lazy can you get? I mean, that — that would be AWFUL! Really, just —

[ Snooki rushes forward to pound Radcliffe ]

Snooki: Hey, BACK OFF, Wizard! I’m not taking —

[ The Situation pushes her away ]

Daniel Radcliffe: Well, it’s better they hear it now. We have a FANTASTIC show for you tonight, ladies and gentlemen! Lana Del Rey is here. So stick around, and we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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