SNL Transcripts: Daniel Radcliffe: 01/14/12: Exit Polling

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 12








11l: Daniel Radcliffe / Lana Del Rey

Exit Polling

Pollster…..Kristen Wiig
Voter…..Daniel Radcliffe

[ open on exterior, polling precinct ] [ SUPER: “Concord, New Hampshire” ]

Pollster: [ as voters leave ] Thank you so much. [ a new voter walks up ] Oh, hi there! Hi! Do you mind if I ask you some exit poll questions?

Voter: Uh… no. No, that’s fine.

Pollster: Great! Thank you. Um… who did you vote for?

Voter: I voted for Mitt Romney.

Pollster: Annnnd who did you vote for in 2008?

Voter: John McCain.

Pollster: Okay. You’re doing great, by the way! [ she laughs ] Uh… do you consider yourself a moderate Republican, a conservative Republican, a Tea Partier, a crazy Whackadoodle, or a Democrat voting sarcastically?

Voter: Uh… I guess, a moderate Republican.

Pollster: Great. Uh, when you voted, were you like, “I love this guy!” or were you like, “He’ll do,” or like, “I don’t know who ANY of these people are!”?

Voter: Uhhhh, I guess… “He’ll do.”

Pollster: Okay…

Voter: Uh… am I done?

Pollster: No. [ she writes his response down ] “He’ll… do…”

Voter: Am I done now?

Pollster: Okay, sorry. Um… Are you male or female? I’m sorry — it’s on here, I have to ask.

Voter: Male.

Pollster: [ she glances at him ] Oh. [ she laughs ] I’m glad I asked! Okay… Which best describes your ethnicity? Are you White? [ with a hip-hop accent ] Are you Black? [ bouncing her head ] Hee-spanic? [ high-pitched ] Asian? [ mechanically ] Or are you a Robot?

Voter: Uh… uh… White.

Pollster: Okay. And to what age group do you belong: 18 to 24 —

Voter: Yes.

Pollster: Sorry, I have to read them all. [ she laughs ] Uhhh… 18 to 24…? [ she stares at him for a moment ]

Voter: Yes.

Pollster: I’m sorry. I have to read them all. “18 to 24… [ she stares at him for another moment ] or 25 to 150.”

Voter: 18 to 24.

Pollster: Okay. Single or married?

Voter: Single.

Pollster: Oh! Great. Uh… gay or straight?

Voter: Uh, straight.

Pollster: Okay. Uh, Jewish?

Voter: Yes.

Pollster: You’re perfect! Would you ever consider going out with my friend Diane Finkelstein?

Voter: No.

Pollster: You know what? It’s probably for the best. Because you’re on the smaller side, and she’s so fat.

Voter: Are we done?

Pollster: Um, almost… almost. Oh, this is a good one: “You walk in your bedroom and turn on the lights — standing buck-naked in the middle of the room is Ron Paul, Rick Santorum, or Newt Gingrich. Which one of these options bums you out the most?

Voter: Wow. Uh… that’s tough… Ron Paul. No! Newt Gingrich. No… Ron Paul.

Pollster: Remember — buck-naked.

Voter: [ he sighs ] No… Newt Gingrich.

Pollster: [ whispering ] You got that one right! [ continuing ] Uh… can you sleep on planes?

Voter: Yes!

Pollster: I can’t! [ continuing ] Do you like my new laugh? [ she laughs heartily ]

Voter: Uhhh… yeah. It’s fine.

Pollster: ‘Cause this is my old laugh: [ she laughs with a choked stifle ]

Voter: Uhhh… the new one. That is better.

Pollster: Um… Thanks! Okay. Uh… do you think I could pull off bangs?

Voter: Uh… I don’t know. What would that look like?

Pollster: I’ll hold this up. [ she puts her clipboard atop her to create the illusion of bangs ]

Voter: Uhhhh… Yeah. Sure.

Pollster: What about over one eye? [ she tilts her clipboard ]

Voter: Uhhh… sure.

Pollster: [ she moves the clipboard back ] Do you have a preference as to which?

Voter: Uhhhh… I-I-I don’t really have a preference…

Pollster: [ whining ] Ple-e-e-e-e-ease!!

Voter: Uh — bangs! Bangs!

Pollster: Ohhhkay… he knows what he wants! You would be PERFECT for Diane.

Voter: Uh — no!

Pollster: Yeah. Again, probably for the best. She’s so fat. She’s so fat.

Voter: No! This is no lnoger about politics!

Pollster: Okay, um — that’s okay. Um — Which candidate quality matters most to how you voted: Has a vision for the future? Honest and trustworthy? Stands up for what he believes in?

Voter: Uh… a vision for the future.

Pollster: Alright, uh, follow-up: What do you consider the most likely vision for the future: Monkeys still in cages? Monkeys in charge? Or no more monkeys?

Voter: Uh… monkeys in cages?

Pollster: Oky. A follow-up to the follow-up: “Have you seen the new “Planet of the Apes”?

Voter: I have not.

Pollster: Okay. Follow-up, follow-up, follow-up: “Would you be into this: I bring the “Planet of the Apes” DVD to your house… you open a bottle of wine… we forget about Fat Diane, and see what happens?”

Voter: No! Absolutely not!

Pollster: Perfect. Final question: “WHERE DO YOU GET OFF?!!”

Voter: Goodbye! [ he rushes off ]

Pollster: I’m switching you to GAY!! ROBOT!!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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