[ open on exterior, polling precinct ] [ SUPER: “Concord, New Hampshire” ]
Pollster: [ as voters leave ] Thank you so much. [ a new voter walks up ] Oh, hi there! Hi! Do you mind if I ask you some exit poll questions?
Voter: Uh… no. No, that’s fine.
Pollster: Great! Thank you. Um… who did you vote for?
Voter: I voted for Mitt Romney.
Pollster: Annnnd who did you vote for in 2008?
Voter: John McCain.
Pollster: Okay. You’re doing great, by the way! [ she laughs ] Uh… do you consider yourself a moderate Republican, a conservative Republican, a Tea Partier, a crazy Whackadoodle, or a Democrat voting sarcastically?
Voter: Uh… I guess, a moderate Republican.
Pollster: Great. Uh, when you voted, were you like, “I love this guy!” or were you like, “He’ll do,” or like, “I don’t know who ANY of these people are!”?
Voter: Uhhhh, I guess… “He’ll do.”
Voter: Uh… am I done?
Pollster: No. [ she writes his response down ] “He’ll… do…”
Voter: Am I done now?
Pollster: Okay, sorry. Um… Are you male or female? I’m sorry — it’s on here, I have to ask.
Pollster: [ she glances at him ] Oh. [ she laughs ] I’m glad I asked! Okay… Which best describes your ethnicity? Are you White? [ with a hip-hop accent ] Are you Black? [ bouncing her head ] Hee-spanic? [ high-pitched ] Asian? [ mechanically ] Or are you a Robot?
Voter: Uh… uh… White.
Pollster: Okay. And to what age group do you belong: 18 to 24 —
Pollster: Sorry, I have to read them all. [ she laughs ] Uhhh… 18 to 24…? [ she stares at him for a moment ]
Pollster: I’m sorry. I have to read them all. “18 to 24… [ she stares at him for another moment ] or 25 to 150.”
Voter: 18 to 24.
Pollster: Okay. Single or married?
Pollster: Oh! Great. Uh… gay or straight?
Voter: Uh, straight.
Pollster: Okay. Uh, Jewish?
Pollster: You’re perfect! Would you ever consider going out with my friend Diane Finkelstein?
Pollster: You know what? It’s probably for the best. Because you’re on the smaller side, and she’s so fat.
Voter: Are we done?
Pollster: Um, almost… almost. Oh, this is a good one: “You walk in your bedroom and turn on the lights — standing buck-naked in the middle of the room is Ron Paul, Rick Santorum, or Newt Gingrich. Which one of these options bums you out the most?
Voter: Wow. Uh… that’s tough… Ron Paul. No! Newt Gingrich. No… Ron Paul.
Pollster: Remember — buck-naked.
Voter: [ he sighs ] No… Newt Gingrich.
Pollster: [ whispering ] You got that one right! [ continuing ] Uh… can you sleep on planes?
Pollster: I can’t! [ continuing ] Do you like my new laugh? [ she laughs heartily ]
Voter: Uhhh… yeah. It’s fine.
Pollster: ‘Cause this is my old laugh: [ she laughs with a choked stifle ]
Voter: Uhhh… the new one. That is better.
Pollster: Um… Thanks! Okay. Uh… do you think I could pull off bangs?
Voter: Uh… I don’t know. What would that look like?
Pollster: I’ll hold this up. [ she puts her clipboard atop her to create the illusion of bangs ]
Voter: Uhhhh… Yeah. Sure.
Pollster: What about over one eye? [ she tilts her clipboard ]
Voter: Uhhh… sure.
Pollster: [ she moves the clipboard back ] Do you have a preference as to which?
Voter: Uhhhh… I-I-I don’t really have a preference…
Pollster: [ whining ] Ple-e-e-e-e-ease!!
Voter: Uh — bangs! Bangs!
Pollster: Ohhhkay… he knows what he wants! You would be PERFECT for Diane.
Voter: Uh — no!
Pollster: Yeah. Again, probably for the best. She’s so fat. She’s so fat.
Voter: No! This is no lnoger about politics!
Pollster: Okay, um — that’s okay. Um — Which candidate quality matters most to how you voted: Has a vision for the future? Honest and trustworthy? Stands up for what he believes in?
Voter: Uh… a vision for the future.
Pollster: Alright, uh, follow-up: What do you consider the most likely vision for the future: Monkeys still in cages? Monkeys in charge? Or no more monkeys?
Voter: Uh… monkeys in cages?
Pollster: Oky. A follow-up to the follow-up: “Have you seen the new “Planet of the Apes”?
Voter: I have not.
Pollster: Okay. Follow-up, follow-up, follow-up: “Would you be into this: I bring the “Planet of the Apes” DVD to your house… you open a bottle of wine… we forget about Fat Diane, and see what happens?”
Voter: No! Absolutely not!
Pollster: Perfect. Final question: “WHERE DO YOU GET OFF?!!”
Voter: Goodbye! [ he rushes off ]
Pollster: I’m switching you to GAY!! ROBOT!![ fade ]