SNL Transcripts: Daniel Radcliffe: 01/14/12: Hogwarts Academy


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 37: Episode 12

11l: Daniel Radcliffe / Lana Del Rey

Hogwarts Academy

Minerva…..Kristen Wiig
Student…..Nasim Pedrad
Harry Potter…..Daniel Radcliffe
Ron Weasley…..Taran Killam
Hermione Granger…..Abby Elliott
Draco Malfoy…..Paul Brittain
Hagrid…..Bobby Moynihan
Luna Lovegood…..Vanessa Bayer
Professor Snape…..Bill Hader

[ open on exterior, Hogwart’s Castle, 2020 ] [ dissolve to cast interior, as Minerva leads a group of students in ]

Minerva: Okay, girls, gather round. This is Gryffindor House, where you shall study, socialize, and sign up for extracurriculars.

Student: Wow! It’s beautiful!

Minerva: Many of Hogwart’s greatest alums have graced these halls — some of them have become legends.

[ Harry Potter peeks in from a back hall ]

Harry Potter: Hello! did somebody say “legend”?

Student: Harry Potter!

Harry Potter: That’s right! The boy who lived! In the flesh! Uh — congratulations to all of you for being accepted to Hogwart’s. These are going to be the BEST days of your lives. [ sadly ] Honestly. The best. It does not get better.

Student: But what are you doing here?

Harry Potter: Oh, I thought I’d apperate in for the weekend, welcome the newbies. It feels like just yesterday I was here!

Minerva: You WERE here yesterday! And the day before! Which is odd, considering you graduated ten years ago!

Harry Potter: [ laughing ] Ha! Yes! So… is He Who Must Not Be Named giving you any trouble?

Student: Voldemort? No, he’s dead.

Harry Potter: [ ecstatic ] Oh! That’s right! I killed him! Remember that! Yeah! That was great! [ ge high-fives the students ] Let’s all celebrate! Yuo love it, kids! Yeah! Just eliminated all evil all over the world. You’re welcome. I did that when I was 18. And just yesterday — this is equally as exciting — I bought a Volvo. Let’s celebrate! Who’s thirsty? [ he pulls out a can of beer from his jacket ]

Minerva: Mr. Potter, you know very well we do not allow alcohol on these premises!

Harry Potter: Don’t worry… it’s just butter beer. [ he leans closer to the student ] Is it? [ he smiles ] [ Ron and Hermione enter ]

Ron Weasley: Harry?

Hermione Granger: Harry James Potter! You’re back — again.

Harry Potter: Ron! Hermoine! how are you!

Hermione Granger: Well, we’re teachers now, remember?

Ron Weasley: Yeah, we work here… so it’s not weird.

Harry Potter: Oh! The gang’s all back together! [ he hugs them ]

Ron Weasley: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah… Harry, I thought you were out of town, mate.

Harry Potter: Well, yeah, I’ll be out. I’ll be touring, I’ll do shows, I’ll do magic, making things disappear. You know, one thing I can’t make disappear — my MORTGAGE! [ he laughs uproariously, then leans closer to the student ] You know what I’m talking about!

Student: I don’t!

[ Malfoy enters ]

Draco Malfoy: Well, well, well! Harry Potter!

Harry Potter: Malfoy. Still hanging around, lurking. You can’t keep living in the past, mate. [ to the student ] I was a varsity seeker first year. Doesn’t happen often. [ he turns back to Malfoy ] So, uh — what do you want, Malfoy?

Draco Malfoy: Oh, uh… just wanted to say Hello. My wife and I are dropping off our daughter for orientation. Amd she said she saw you outside playing Quiddich — alone. And making cheering noises. Was that you?

Harry Potter: [ laughing nervously ] No. Yes. But, you know… I’m still having fun, though. Not boring and married, like you!

[ Hagrid stumbles in ]

Hagrid: He’s not the only one, Harry, my boy.

Harry Potter: [ alarmed ] Hagrid?! You, too?!

Hagrid: Yep. Tied the knot! I married Luna Lovegood here.

Luna Lovegood: He’s huuuge!

Hagrid: Yep! Yep! The lonely janitor in the trenchcoat who lives just off campus, found love with a student. Who would have guessed?

Harry Potter: Well, uh, that’s brilliant! I’m so glad to hear we’re all doing great!

Professor Snape: Not everyone!

[ reveal Professor Snape in his portrait ]

Harry Potter: Professor Snape. Still watching me from the beyond.

Professor Snape: [ sternly ] Hello, Potter!

Harry Potter: I used to think this bloke was a dark lord. It turns out he was looking after me the whole time! Oops!

Professor Snape: “Oops”? Really? Harry, you turned out magnificently. Definitely worth sacrificing my life!

Harry Potter: [ to Hagrid ] Is he being sarcastic, or not? [ Hagrid shrugs ]

Ron Weasley: Alright, Harry… we’ve gotta get back to work, mate.

Hermione Granger: Good to see you, Harry.

[ everyone starts to walk away ]

Harry Potter: Well, hold on! Who wants to re-enact the fight I had with Voldemort on the bridge? [ to the student ] Spoiler alert: I win!

Student: Yay!

[ the new students run into the hall ]

Harry Potter: Yeah! Go on, you kids! Yes! Off you go! I’ll be right behind you! [ he sighs ] I’ve still got it.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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