SNL Transcripts: Daniel Radcliffe: 01/14/12: Hogwarts Academy

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 37: Episode 12

11l: Daniel Radcliffe / Lana Del Rey

Hogwarts Academy

Minerva…..Kristen Wiig
Student…..Nasim Pedrad
Harry Potter…..Daniel Radcliffe
Ron Weasley…..Taran Killam
Hermione Granger…..Abby Elliott
Draco Malfoy…..Paul Brittain
Hagrid…..Bobby Moynihan
Luna Lovegood…..Vanessa Bayer
Professor Snape…..Bill Hader

[ open on exterior, Hogwart’s Castle, 2020 ] [ dissolve to cast interior, as Minerva leads a group of students in ]

Minerva: Okay, girls, gather round. This is Gryffindor House, where you shall study, socialize, and sign up for extracurriculars.

Student: Wow! It’s beautiful!

Minerva: Many of Hogwart’s greatest alums have graced these halls — some of them have become legends.

[ Harry Potter peeks in from a back hall ]

Harry Potter: Hello! did somebody say “legend”?

Student: Harry Potter!

Harry Potter: That’s right! The boy who lived! In the flesh! Uh — congratulations to all of you for being accepted to Hogwart’s. These are going to be the BEST days of your lives. [ sadly ] Honestly. The best. It does not get better.

Student: But what are you doing here?

Harry Potter: Oh, I thought I’d apperate in for the weekend, welcome the newbies. It feels like just yesterday I was here!

Minerva: You WERE here yesterday! And the day before! Which is odd, considering you graduated ten years ago!

Harry Potter: [ laughing ] Ha! Yes! So… is He Who Must Not Be Named giving you any trouble?

Student: Voldemort? No, he’s dead.

Harry Potter: [ ecstatic ] Oh! That’s right! I killed him! Remember that! Yeah! That was great! [ ge high-fives the students ] Let’s all celebrate! Yuo love it, kids! Yeah! Just eliminated all evil all over the world. You’re welcome. I did that when I was 18. And just yesterday — this is equally as exciting — I bought a Volvo. Let’s celebrate! Who’s thirsty? [ he pulls out a can of beer from his jacket ]

Minerva: Mr. Potter, you know very well we do not allow alcohol on these premises!

Harry Potter: Don’t worry… it’s just butter beer. [ he leans closer to the student ] Is it? [ he smiles ] [ Ron and Hermione enter ]

Ron Weasley: Harry?

Hermione Granger: Harry James Potter! You’re back — again.

Harry Potter: Ron! Hermoine! how are you!

Hermione Granger: Well, we’re teachers now, remember?

Ron Weasley: Yeah, we work here… so it’s not weird.

Harry Potter: Oh! The gang’s all back together! [ he hugs them ]

Ron Weasley: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah… Harry, I thought you were out of town, mate.

Harry Potter: Well, yeah, I’ll be out. I’ll be touring, I’ll do shows, I’ll do magic, making things disappear. You know, one thing I can’t make disappear — my MORTGAGE! [ he laughs uproariously, then leans closer to the student ] You know what I’m talking about!

Student: I don’t!

[ Malfoy enters ]

Draco Malfoy: Well, well, well! Harry Potter!

Harry Potter: Malfoy. Still hanging around, lurking. You can’t keep living in the past, mate. [ to the student ] I was a varsity seeker first year. Doesn’t happen often. [ he turns back to Malfoy ] So, uh — what do you want, Malfoy?

Draco Malfoy: Oh, uh… just wanted to say Hello. My wife and I are dropping off our daughter for orientation. Amd she said she saw you outside playing Quiddich — alone. And making cheering noises. Was that you?

Harry Potter: [ laughing nervously ] No. Yes. But, you know… I’m still having fun, though. Not boring and married, like you!

[ Hagrid stumbles in ]

Hagrid: He’s not the only one, Harry, my boy.

Harry Potter: [ alarmed ] Hagrid?! You, too?!

Hagrid: Yep. Tied the knot! I married Luna Lovegood here.

Luna Lovegood: He’s huuuge!

Hagrid: Yep! Yep! The lonely janitor in the trenchcoat who lives just off campus, found love with a student. Who would have guessed?

Harry Potter: Well, uh, that’s brilliant! I’m so glad to hear we’re all doing great!

Professor Snape: Not everyone!

[ reveal Professor Snape in his portrait ]

Harry Potter: Professor Snape. Still watching me from the beyond.

Professor Snape: [ sternly ] Hello, Potter!

Harry Potter: I used to think this bloke was a dark lord. It turns out he was looking after me the whole time! Oops!

Professor Snape: “Oops”? Really? Harry, you turned out magnificently. Definitely worth sacrificing my life!

Harry Potter: [ to Hagrid ] Is he being sarcastic, or not? [ Hagrid shrugs ]

Ron Weasley: Alright, Harry… we’ve gotta get back to work, mate.

Hermione Granger: Good to see you, Harry.

[ everyone starts to walk away ]

Harry Potter: Well, hold on! Who wants to re-enact the fight I had with Voldemort on the bridge? [ to the student ] Spoiler alert: I win!

Student: Yay!

[ the new students run into the hall ]

Harry Potter: Yeah! Go on, you kids! Yes! Off you go! I’ll be right behind you! [ he sighs ] I’ve still got it.

[ fade ]

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