SNL Transcripts: Daniel Radcliffe: 01/14/12: Romney: Believe in America

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 12

11l: Daniel Radcliffe / Lana Del Rey

Romney: Believe in America

Mitt Romney…..Jason Sudeikis
Becky…..Abby Elliott

[ CAMPAIGN GRAPHIC – ROMNEY: BELIEVE IN AMERICA ]

Mitt Romney (V/O): I’m Mitt Romney and I approved this message

INT. JIM BOB’S DINER – DAY

[ Former Massachusetts Governor MITT ROMNEY, in a Carhart jacket and unbuttoned shirt, is seated at a table. ]

Mitt Romney: Hello… hello, I’m Mitt Romney and I’m speaking to you today from Jim Bob’s Diner; a really fantastic diner outside Aiken, South Carolina. As I’ve said, it’s a really fantastic place. It really is. I enjoy it very much. It’s super.

I’m down here to bring my Presidential campaign down to the people here of this great state. They definitely connect with me on a human level and don’t find me weird at all. Say, did everyone see that Broncos-Steelers game last Sunday? Wasn’t that something?

And how about that Tim Tebow? He was slinging the pigskin down the field. You know, I’ll bet you dollars to donuts the Broncos give my beloved Patriots a run for their money on the gridiron tomorrow. I’ll be watching that game along with my five human sons and my expectation is that I will enjoy it very, very much!

[ Governor Romney glances off-camera. ]

What’s that?

[ A beat ]

It’s being played tonight?

[ A beat ]

That’s wonderful news! The fact is our whole family loves to watch sporting events on the television on the weekend. So normal are we! It sure beats doing chores at home. That’s for sure! Of course, I’m kidding… we got people for that.

A few days ago, we had another great result in New Hampshire. Of course, we enjoyed that very much as well. Unfortunately, that victory was clouded by a bit of a kerfuffle of a remark I made the day before. I was speaking to a crowd about the importance of being able to choose YOUR own insurance company and simply put, when the service provider isn’t doing the job, you have to make a change — adding, you ought to fire people.

I think the audience understood what I was saying. It’s like when you’re raking leaves out in the yard and your t-shirt is a little clammy. You go inside and FIRE IT. Replacing with a dry t-shirt or no t-shirt at all. It’s like that…

Of course, my opponents immediately pounced on that remark and tried to relate it to my work at Bain Capital. At Bain, we specialized in acquiring failing companies. Sometimes, this did involve individuals being “fired”. That is, in the sense, losing their jobs. That is the exception, not the rule.

[ A young, teenage waitress, BECKY, enters. ]

Becky: Hi!

Mitt Romney: Oh, hello there! I’m Mitt Romney!

Becky: I’m Becky.

Mitt Romney: Becky — I’m really enjoying MEETING YOU! How old are you? No, wait! Let me guess… 31.

Becky: I’m 19.

Mitt Romney: Close enough!

Becky: What can I get you?

Mitt Romney: I’d like two eggs!

Becky: How do you want them?

Mitt Romney: Laid off!

Becky: Laid off?

Mitt Romney: Yeah, you know, laid off.

Becky: You mean, over easy?

Mitt Romney: Bingo! Say, what does that come with?

Becky: Bacon.

Mitt Romney: No, bacon. Let’s throw the bacon “out-of-work.” Can I replace it with sausage?

Becky: Sure.

Mitt Romney: Okay. Can I replace the bacon with sausage but pay half the price for the sausage I would’ve paid for the bacon?

Becky: It’s the same amount.

Mitt Romney: Thought I’d ask…

Becky: It also comes with toast.

Mitt Romney: I don’t care for toast. I’d like to see the toast lose its job — without notice, if possible. Can I have an English muffin instead?

Becky: Okay.

Mitt Romney: Good. Can the English muffin be hired on a temporary basis? Meaning that if I’m not hungry enough to eat it, I don’t have to pay.

Becky: Sure. Coffee?

Mitt Romney: No. No, coffee. I’d like orange juice. Is it freshly strangled?

Becky: You mean, fresh squeezed?

Mitt Romney: Yes, fresh squeezed… as you call it…

Becky: Anything else?

Mitt Romney: I’M. FINE. BECKY.

[ Becky departs. ]

Mitt Romney: She’s a nice girl. I’d like to be able to fire her. Well, I think you’ve enjoyed this time we’ve spent together and I think you’ll agree that I’ve come across as genuine and warm.

Thank you, and “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

Submitted by: Cody Downs

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