SNL Transcripts: Channing Tatum: 02/04/12


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 37: Episode 13

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Air Date:


Musical Guest:

Special Guests:


Bit Players:

February 4th, 2012

Channing Tatum

Bon Iver




Newt Gingrich: Moon PresidentSummary: In the year 2014, Newt Gingrich (Bobby Moynihan) leads a colony on the moon after President Barack Obama’s second term in office leads to the destruction of the planet Earth.

Recurring Characters: Newt Gingrich, Herman Cain, Mitt Romney.



Channing Tatum’s MonologueSummary: Former male stripper Channing Tatum recognizes various former customers in the audience and tries to reconnect with them, despite their embarrassment at being recognized.


It’s Getting Freaky with Cee Lo Green!Summary: Cee Lo Green (Kenan Thompson), Matthew McConaughey (Channing Tatum) and Col. Nasty (Bill Hader) help a couple (Nasim Pedrad, Vanessa Bayer) put the freaky back into their lesbian relationship.

Recurring Characters: Cee Lo Green, Colonel Nasty, The Atlanta Horns, Matthew McConaughey.

Downton AbbeySummary: The acclaimed PBS series is mashed-up as a moronic reality series now airing on Spike.


Super Bowl PromoSummary: Al Michaels (Jason Sudeikis), Cris Collinsworth (Bill Hader), Dan Patrick (Channing Tatum), Tony Dungy (Jay Pharoah), and Rodney Harrison (Kenan Thompson) perform multiple takes of their Super Bowl promo so they can avoid looking stiff.

Recurring Characters: Dan Patrick, Cris Collinsworth, Al Michaels.


Secret WordSummary: Mindy Grayson (Kristen Wiig) once again reveals word clues while acting overtheatrical, while astronaut (Channing Tatum) suffers flashbacks of alien anal probing during game play.

Recurring Characters: Lyle Round, Mindy Grayson.

Bon Iver performs “Holocene”

Weekend Update with Seth MeyersSummary: Guy Fieri (Bobby Moynihan) displays weird snack ideas related to the Super Bowl match between the Giants and the Patriots. Lana Del Ray (Kristen Wiig) playfully defends herself from the recent backlash of her poorly-received “SNL” musical stint.

Recurring Characters: Guy Fieri.

Bat MitzvahSummary: To celebrate her Bat Mitzvah, Rebecca (Nasim Pedrad) performs a raunchy dance with adult friend Caden (Channing Tatum) that was not fully-choreographed by her Mom (Kristen Wiig).

Ruby TuesdaySummary: The night before the Super Bowl, Tom Brady (Channing Tatum) succumbs to boisterous Janet Peckinpah’s (Bobby Moynihan) repeated requests to throw one in her while at a Ruby Tuesday in Indianapolis, and it ends up costing him the big game.

Go-Techs FlexSummary: (Channing Tatum) and (Kristen Wiig) make a non-specific pitch for a Rube Goldbergesque exercise device that most likely won’t live up to their overexaggerated hype.

Bon Iver performs “Beth/Rest”

Bongo’s Clown RoomSummary: MC Tommy (Jason Sudeikis) deejays a bachlorette party on his new final night at Bongo’s, since he’ll soon be going on the lam from the IRS.

Recurring Characters: MC Tommy.



Dress Rehearsal Cuts

VerizonSummary: An older man (Fred Armisen) wants to buy a cell phone, but he can’t comprehend the numerous weirdly-named options being pushed on him by the youthful salesman (Bill Hader).

Note: This ad parody will later air on the episode hosted by Zooey Deschanel.

Union AwardsSummary: Members of a Teamsters’ Union are honored during an awards ceremony.

UFC FightSummary: The competition between two UFG fighters (Taran Killam, Channing Tatum) is continuously interrupted by a rude guy *Andy Samberg) in the audience.

Business MeetingSummary: While holding a business meeting, an employee (Channing Tatum) uses Macarena dance moves to get his ideas across.

Step Up to the SequelsSummary: A slew of upcoming sequels to the “Step Up” film franchise.

Recurring Characters: Meryl Streep.

70’s AlbumSummary: A weird guy (Jason Sudeikis) pokes around the fire after reminiscing about 70’s music.

Note: This ad parody will later air on the episode hosted by Lindsay Lohan.

70’s Album IISummary: A weird guy (Jason Sudeikis) burns his hand in the fire after reminiscing about 70’s music.

Note: This ad parody will later air on the episode hosted by Lindsay Lohan.

70’s Album IIISummary: After burning his hand in the fire, a weird guy (Jason Sudeikis) is no longer in the mood to have company over.

Photo ShootSummary: Two gay men (Channing Tatum, Taran Killam) experience misunderstandings and argue during their photo shoot.

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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