SNL Transcripts: Channing Tatum: 02/04/12: Downton Abbey



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 37: Episode 13

11m: Channing Tatum / Bon Iver

Downton Abbey

written by: Seth Meyers and John Mulaney

Announcer…..Andy Samberg

[ open on Spike logo ]

Announcer: This February, Spike has the shows you want to see. Like death extravaganza “1000 Ways To Die”, tattoo competition “Ink Master”, and Thursdays at 10 p.m., it’s “Downton Abbey”. [ record scratches ] What’s “Downton Abbey”?

[ cut to program footage of the abbey exterior ]

Announcer: Basically… it’s about a bunch of honkeys that live in a church. Or maybe it’s a museum. Either way, they don’t got wi-fi!

[ show different characters reading handwritten letters ]

Announcer: In fact, they only find stuff out through letters. “Dear olden times: You’re boring! Love: Everyone.” Niiiice!

[ reveal characters one by one ]

Announcer: There’s a MILF and a dad. And they’ve got three daughters named “Hot”, “WAY Hot”, annnnd “The Other One”. And they all hang out with this old lady that looks like a chicken. We hated her at first… but then we got high, and she made us CRACK up!

Dowager Countess: “One can’t go to pieces at the death of every foreigner.”

Announcer: Ha ha! I don’t know what that means, but I’ll bet it fuckin’ BURNS!

[ reveal basement footage ]

Announcer: There’s also a whole bunch of tuxedo people who live in the basement — and their lives SUCK! Get this: They always have to stand up at the same time. Their names are: “Nice Guy”, “Mean Guy”, “Mouse Girl”, and “Super Bitch”.

[ show clips of Butler ]

Announcer: This guy is either bummed… or pouring wine through a napkin.

[ show clips of another servant ]

Announcer: And this guy can’t get anything right. [ he pours soup ] That’s not how you pour soup!

[ cut to footage of characters listening at doors ]

Announcer: Like eavesdropping? Then, this show is for you. Any time anyonr says anything, a third person hears it in the doorway. [ montage of eavesdroppers ] Heard that! Definitely heard that! And watch what you say, ’cause the dowager is listening! [ Dowager Countess appears ] Ohhhhh, she SO heard that! You pissed off the chicken lady! [ clucking sound effects ] [ an old-fashioned car pulls up ]

Announcer: And there’s plenty of old-fashioned cars to laugh at! Ha ha ha! nice car! What’s your other car, a bike? [ reveal man walking bicycle ] Ha ha! It IS a bike!

[ cut to Spike logo ]

Announcer: So check out Spike TV and their new series “Downtown Abbey”. I mean, “Downton Abbey”. Ah, we’ll just call it “Fancy Entourage”.

[ cut to Dowager countess with clucking sound effect ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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