Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 37: Episode 13
11m: Channing Tatum / Bon Iver
Downton Abbey
written by: Seth Meyers and John Mulaney
Announcer…..Andy Samberg
[ open on Spike logo ]
Announcer: This February, Spike has the shows you want to see. Like death extravaganza “1000 Ways To Die”, tattoo competition “Ink Master”, and Thursdays at 10 p.m., it’s “Downton Abbey”. [ record scratches ] What’s “Downton Abbey”?
[ cut to program footage of the abbey exterior ]
Announcer: Basically… it’s about a bunch of honkeys that live in a church. Or maybe it’s a museum. Either way, they don’t got wi-fi!
[ show different characters reading handwritten letters ]
Announcer: In fact, they only find stuff out through letters. “Dear olden times: You’re boring! Love: Everyone.” Niiiice!
[ reveal characters one by one ]
Announcer: There’s a MILF and a dad. And they’ve got three daughters named “Hot”, “WAY Hot”, annnnd “The Other One”. And they all hang out with this old lady that looks like a chicken. We hated her at first… but then we got high, and she made us CRACK up!
Dowager Countess: “One can’t go to pieces at the death of every foreigner.”
Announcer: Ha ha! I don’t know what that means, but I’ll bet it fuckin’ BURNS!
[ reveal basement footage ]
Announcer: There’s also a whole bunch of tuxedo people who live in the basement — and their lives SUCK! Get this: They always have to stand up at the same time. Their names are: “Nice Guy”, “Mean Guy”, “Mouse Girl”, and “Super Bitch”.
[ show clips of Butler ]
Announcer: This guy is either bummed… or pouring wine through a napkin.
[ show clips of another servant ]
Announcer: And this guy can’t get anything right. [ he pours soup ] That’s not how you pour soup!
[ cut to footage of characters listening at doors ]
Announcer: Like eavesdropping? Then, this show is for you. Any time anyonr says anything, a third person hears it in the doorway. [ montage of eavesdroppers ] Heard that! Definitely heard that! And watch what you say, ’cause the dowager is listening! [ Dowager Countess appears ] Ohhhhh, she SO heard that! You pissed off the chicken lady! [ clucking sound effects ]
[ an old-fashioned car pulls up ]
Announcer: And there’s plenty of old-fashioned cars to laugh at! Ha ha ha! nice car! What’s your other car, a bike? [ reveal man walking bicycle ] Ha ha! It IS a bike!
[ cut to Spike logo ]
Announcer: So check out Spike TV and their new series “Downtown Abbey”. I mean, “Downton Abbey”. Ah, we’ll just call it “Fancy Entourage”.
[ cut to Dowager countess with clucking sound effect ]
[ fade ]
