Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 37: Episode 13
11m: Channing Tatum / Bon Iver
Newt Gingrich: Moon President
Newt Gingrich…..Bobby Moynihan
Callista Gingrich…..Kristen Wiig
Reagatron 3000…..Bill Hader
Little Girl…..Nasim Pedrad
Herman Cain…..Kenan Thompson
Guards…..Taran Killam, Jay Pharoah
Mitt Romney…..Jason Sudeikis
Announcer: [ over scroll ] The year 2014 is a time of turmoil for America. Comfortably serving his second term, President Barack Obama no longer hides his socialist agenda.
The unemployment rate skyrockets and foreign armies gather their forces for an attack.
Chaos reigns. But from the darkness, a visionary emerges and leads a group of pioneers to pursue a better future in space. He is…”
[ graphic flies forward ]
“Newt Gingrich: Moon President”.
[ dissolve to Moon Gingrich staring at the Earth from his space station on the moon ]
[ SUPER: “Moon 2014” ]
Newt Gingrich: Callista! Callista, come see how pretty the Earth looks.
Callista Gingrich: Oh, Newt… you need to forget about the Earth. You have the people of the Moon colony to lead now.
Newt Gingrich: Oh, you’re right… you’re right. Where’s my trusted robot advisor — the Reagatron 3000?
[ a robot designed in Ronald Reagan’s likeness enters ]
Reagatron 3000: Reagatron 3000, at your service.
Newt Gingrich: And what is on today’s Moon agenda?
Reagatron 3000: Well… the little girl who won the… Miss Moon Pageant is here for a photo.
Newt Gingrich: Oh! Wonderful! Send her in!
Little Girl: [ running in ] Hello, Moon President Newt Gingrich!
Newt Gingrich: And what do you do, little girl?
Little Girl: I go to school!
Newt Gingrich: And when you’re not at school?
Little Girl: I work as a janitor at the school — per your moon decree!
Newt Gingrich: You know, on Earth they thought the idea of student janitors was crazy. I guess thats why they didnt want me to be their president.
Little Girl: The people of South Carolina wanted you to be president!
Newt Gingrich: Not all of America is as forward-thinking as South Carolina,
[ they lean closer and smile for a camera ]
Little Girl: A good Moon to you!
Newt Gingrich: And may divorce be with you.
[ the little girl rushes off, as Herman Cain saunters in ]
Herman Cain: Mr. Moon President?
Newt Gingrich: Vice-Admiral Herman Cain!
[ they share a secret handshake ]
Together: Blast-off!!
Herman Cain: Yeah, the latest shuttle of refugees from Earth arrived, and we found a stowaway!
Newt Gingrich: A stowaway?
Herman Cain: [ signals guards to bring the stowaway in ] Yeah. At first we thought it was a woman, but… [ he rips the stowaway’s wig off to reveal: ]
Newt Gingrich: Mitt Romney!
Mitt Romney: Yes! Yes, it’s me!
Newt Gingrich: Vice-Admiral Cain, leave me and Mr. Romney alone.
Herman Cain: Very well. I shall return to “inspecting craters”, if you know what I mean. [ he chuckles heartily ]
Newt Gingrich: Very well.
Herman Cain: Do you know what I mean?
Newt Gingrich: I do.
Herman Cain: I mean, not like moon crater craters…
Newt Gingrich: Vice-Admiral!!
Herman Cain: Alright!
[ Herman Cain rushes out ]
Newt Gingrich: It’s a surprise to see you here, Mitt. As I recall, you found the idea of a moon colony silly back in 2012.
Mitt Romney: Ohhhh, Newt, we were all wrong! Ever since you left Earth, it’s been a nightmare! Please forgive me, and let me work in your ad-moon-istration.
Newt Gingrich: I’m just supposed to believe that you’ve just completely changed your position?
Mitt Romney: Well, it wouldn’t be the first time!
[ they share the laugh ]
Reagatron 3000: [ edging in ] Are you my robot father?
Mitt Romney: Ah, don’t be silly! I’m not a robot, I’m a human man.
Reagatron 3000: Liar!
[ the Reagatron 3000 moves away, as Herman Cain rushes back in ]
Herman Cain: Sir! We received a communication from Earth that Iran and North Korea have launched nuclear weapons! And just as you so wisely predicted that they would! Also — when I said “craters” earlier, I meant “ladies butts”!
Mitt Romney: [ getting it ] Ohhhhh!
Callista Gingrich: [ pointing ] Oh, no! Look!
[ they all watch as the Earth suddenly explodes into two halves, the upper half still hanging in space as the lower half drops from the solar system ]
Mitt Romney: Now what?
Newt Gingrich: There’s no reason we can’t start a newer, better civilization here on the Moon!
Reagatron 3000: There is one problem, Mr. Moon President: Of the 13,000 colonists, only 200 are men.
Newt Gingrich: Curses! That ratio is no good!
Herman Cain: Yeah, ’cause, see, the most I can handle is about 5, maybe 6, at a time. Yeah… more than that, Herman gets in trouble!
Callista Gingrich: There is one solution?
Newt Gingrich: What is it, Callista?
Callista Gingrich: What if we stay married, but you had sex with other women?
Newt Gingrich: [ intrigued ] An open marriage? What man would ever ask for such a thing?
Callista Gingrich: Why not? [ close-up aside ] It’s a perfectly reasonable request for a man to ask of his wife!
Newt Gingrich: Thank you. And so it shall be! The Moon is our future, and it has EVERYTHING we need! Humanity is saved, and I shall lead them! [ close-up aside ] I’m Newt Gingrich, and I approved this crazy-ass fantasy! [ he winks ] And “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Niiiight!”
