SNL Transcripts: Zooey Deschanel: 02/11/12


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 37: Episode 14

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Air Date:


Musical Guest:

Special Guests:


Bit Players:

February 11th, 2012

Zooey Deschanel



Jean Dujardin

Nicolas Cage


Romney: Believe in AmericaSummary: From his home, Mitt Romney (Jason Sudeikis) discusses his recent dip in the primaries and how it’s all part of his plan to secure the Republican nomination for President by not peaking too soon.

Recurring Characters: Mitt Romney.



Zooey Deschanel’s MonologueSummary: Dressed for romance, Zooey Deschanel brings out her ukelele and sings “You Forgot it Was Valentine’s Day”.


Clint Eastwood Chrysler AdSummary: Clint Eastwood (Bill Hader) is sidetracked from promoting Chrylser to clear up the media’s confusion as to the real intent of his message.

Recurring Characters: Clint Eastwood.


Piers Morgan TonightSummary: Piers Morgan (Taran Killam) leads a discussion on MIA’s (Nasim Pedrad) controversial middle-finger salute while performing at the Super Bowl with Madonna (Kristen Wiig) and LMFAO (Jason Sudeikis, Fred Armisen).

Recurring Characters: Madonna.

Clint Eastwood Chrysler Ad IISummary: Clint Eastwood (Bill Hader) chastises America for not being as hard-working as China, then promotes Little Caesars Pizza.

Recurring Characters: Clint Eastwood.


Les Jeunes de ParisSummary: Francois (Taran Killam) competes with (Jean Dujardin) for (Zooey Deschanel) in a black-and-white spoof of “The Artist”.

Recurring Characters: Francois.

Daily PostSummary: Rapid-fire dialogue of newspaper editor (Jason Sudeikis) and former reporter (Kristen Wiig) flies over the normal-paced head of the new girl in the office (Zooey Deschanel).


Clint Eastwood Chrysler Ad IIISummary: Clint Eastwood (Bill Hader) is annoyed that Mexico is taking over America, then promotes the new Trojan vibrating massager and “The Dark Knight Rises”.

Recurring Characters: Clint Eastwood.


Karmin performs “Brokenhearted”

Weekend Update with Seth MeyersSummary: Arianna Huffington (Nasim Pedrad) comments on recent women’s events in the news. “In the Cage”, Nicolas Cage (Andy Samberg) has created a clone (Nicolas Cage) of himself to help him realize his dream of appearing in every movie ever made.

Recurring Characters: Arianna Huffington, Nicolas Cage.


Bein’ Quirky with Zooey DeschanelSummary: From her kitchen, Zooey Deschanel (Abby Elliott) discusses quirky behavior with BFF Mary Kate Olsen (Zooey Deschanel), Michael Cera (Taran Killam), and Bjork (Kristen Wiig).

Recurring Characters: Michael Cera, Bjork.

Note: This sketch previously aired during the Dress Rehearsal from the episode hosted by Katy Perry.


VerizonSummary: An older man (Fred Armisen) wants to buy a cell phone, but he can’t comprehend the numerous weirdly-named options being pushed on him by the youthful salesman (Bill Hader).

Note: This ad parody previously aired during the Dress Rehearsal from the episode hosted by Katy Perry.


Crab Blast 2012Summary: Jolene (Kristen Wiig) and Wendy (Zooey Deschanel) promise the world’s tastiest crabs to their friends, but somehow forget to provide the much-lauded crabs.

Karmin performs “I Told You So”

We’re Gonna Make Technology HumpSummary: Tech geeks Danielle (Zooey Deschanel) and Jacob (Andy Samberg) present videos of digital goods humping one another.

Recurring Characters: Jacob.

Victorian LadiesSummary: Victorian-era spinsters (Kristen Wiig, Zooey Deschanel) exchange handwritten correspondence regarding their ill-fated romances with creepy men who linger at their windows.



Dress Rehearsal Cuts

Memorial for GeorgeSummary: Mourner (Abby Elliott) sings a song in honor of the recently-deceased George.

Parenting ClassSummary: New parents learn the dos and don’ts of raising a new baby.

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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