Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 37: Episode 14
Daily Post
Johnny…..Jason Sudeikis
Reporter #1…..Bobby Moynihan
Jillian…..Kristen Wiig
Marla…..Zooey Deschanel
Reporter #2…..Taran Killam
Johnny: [ fast-paced ] Hey, you bums, get to work! Is this a newspaper or a nursery school?! If it’s a nursery, you’re some scary-looking children! I should know — I’ve got two at home! Alright, who’s got the story on the bank robbery downtown?!
Reporter #1: [ fast-paced ] Right here, Boss! Take a gander!
Johnny: Alright, great! [ he grabs the copy ] Alright, RUN with it!
Reporter #1: You mean it?!
Johnny: Yeah — [ he crumples the copy ] All the way to the DUMP BIN! ‘Cause it’s GARBAGE! GARBAGE, I say!
[ Jillian saunters in ]Jillian: [ fast-paced ] Careful, Johnny, you’re gonna blow your top — and no one wants to see you without a top on!
Johnny: Hmm! Well, well, well, well! Look what the cat dragged in! Scratch that, Jillian! No cat would drag you — they’d have to put their mouth on you!
Jillian: Oh! Why, I oughhta! [ she swings her fist ]
Johnny: Well, you OUGHTTA, but you AREN’T! And you never will! Ah, what are you doing here, Jillian? Yuo walked out of that door FOUR months ago! It was the BEST four months of my life!
Jillian: Gee, Johnny, I’m surprised you lasted four months without me, because you couldn’t last four minutes WITH me!
Johnny: Well, I, I, I shoulda!
Jillian: You shoulda, but you DIDN’T! Johnny, I want my job back! What do you say?!
Johnny: Sorry, Jillian! That position’s filled! Here she is now! [ ?? enters ] Meet my new ace reporter — Marla Sneeds!
Marla: [ low-key ] Hi.
Johnny: Mmm-hmm! Started just this morning, and she’s happy as a clam! Have a seat, Marla! You can show Jillian what REAL reporting is!
Jillian: Well, isn’t this just swell?! I quit four months ago, and Marla starts just today? Quite a gestation period! What are you, my dear — a baby pacyderm? Well?!
Marla: [ laughing ] I’m sorry, you guys… you were talking so fast! I have no idea what anyone was saying! I’m like, “What?!”
Jillian: What is this, a joke?!
Johnny: Ah, don’t pick on Marla, Jillian! She’s just a kid! wet behind the ears!
Jillian: She’s wet, alright! She’s positively DAMP! And I mean that in the best possible sense, dear!
Marla: I’m… sorry. I have NO idea what the hell you just said! Everything you said sounds like… ba-da-ba-da-ba-da-ba-da! I don’t know, is it me?!
Johnny: [ chuckling ] Alright, Marla. Just get back to work.
Jillian: Oh, come on, Johnny! You can’t be serious with this one! Don’t you want someone with a little more experience, a little pizazz, more pap, someone who knows which end of the goat to look at?!
Johnny: Well, I don’t see any goats here, Jillian — just a nag!
Jillian: Why, I could…! [ she raises her fist ]
Johnny: Yeah, you could, but you WON’T, and you never will!
Marla: Uhhhh… is this a real argument, or this just jibber-jabber?
Jillian: [ she gasps ] This girl’s a maroon! She’s not even maroon — she’s RUST!
Marla: Oh, yeah? Well… [ fast-paced ] “You oughtta put the horse before the cart because the apples are… Hubba-hubba!” [ she shakes her head ] I’m sorry, I can’t do it! I can’t do it, it’s SO hard! [ fast-paced ] “Your mama’s so fat she puts butter in her mouth and she eats it!” [ she laughs ] I can’t… I don’t know! I don’t know.
Johnny: That’s alright, Marla. Why don’t you take a cigarette break?
Jillian: Or a long leap into a hard building!
Marla: That is not necessary. And, you know what? I looked at this paper, and there are so many typos. I think if everybody just kind of slowed down… like take your time with your work. I mean, look at this guy.
Marla: Is that gonna make sense? I don’t know!
[ Reporter #2 rushes in ]Reporter #2: [ fast-paced ] Hey, Boss! We just got a call the orphanage is on fire! We gotta get somebody down there to cover it! What a scoop! TWO scoops! [ he rushes off ]
Marla: [ laughing ] Straight up — is everyone here on cocaine?
Jillian: Oh, come on, Johnny! Do a favor for an old friend! Put me on that orphanage story! I’ll give you a Page One spread, I’m talking Pulitzers by the POUND!
Johnny: You’re not talking to no one! The story belongs to Marla!
Jillian: What?! This girl’s a drip! A wet blanket! She’s got a poundcake for brains!
Marla: Oh, yeah, Jillian? Well… [ fast-paced ] “When you were born, the doctor said, ‘Maybe you ought to think about putting that there thing back in… there… if you can…'” [ she stops ] Hey! That was almost a thing! I almost did it! I think I’m gonna fit in here great! Yay!
[ everyone gives her dumb stares ]Marla: Or not. Whatever. This place is like really toxic.
[ cut to exterior, building ] [ fade ]