SNL Transcripts: Zooey Deschanel: 02/11/12: Zooey Deschanel’s Monologue


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 37: Episode 14

11n: Zooey Deschanel / Karmin

Zooey Deschanel’s Monologue

…..Zooey Deschanel

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Zooey Deschanel!

Zooey Deschanel: Thank you! Thank you so much! It is SO great to be here hosting “Saturday Night Live”! Now, as you may have noticed… I am wearing a dress with little hearts on it. And even though I do this a lot, it’s for a special reason: Valentine’s Day is coming up! So if it’s okay with you, I wanted to sing a little Valentine’s song, what do you say?

[ the audience cheers, as an old-time microphone is propped before her and she’s handed her ukelele ]

This song’s for all the ladies out there. It’s about the moment when your fellow comes through the door on Valentine’s Day, and you see that look in his eye — you know the one I mean!

[ a moon drops down behind Descanel, as she begins to sing ]

“It’s February, the day’s fourteen
But from the look on your face
You don’t know what that means.
Don’t even try it, don’t try to deny it
You forgot it was Valentine’s Day.

You tried to scramble and whip something up
But your balloons say “Happy Birthday”
Your card says “Mazel Tav.”
There’s no mistaking, don’t bother faking
You forgot it was Valentine’s Day.

I bought you a sweater
And baked you some cupcakes
And put on some nice lingerie.
You gave me your iPod
And the cash in your pockets
And a USA Today.”

And it wasn’t even from today — it was from an old hotel!

“You said you made plans, but it didn’t seem right
When we went to Olive Garden at 11:15 at night
Your reservation should be in quotations
You forgot about Valentine’s Day.

I know I’m angry
But later, I’ll be fine
You’re just a moron
But at least you’re mine.
And you can bet I’ll never let you forget
When you forgot about Valentine’s Day.”

[ the audience cheers ]

We’ve got a great show for you! Karmin is here, so stick around and we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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