SNL Transcripts: Zooey Deschanel: 02/11/12: Bein’ Quirky with Zooey Deschanel

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 14














11n: Zooey Deschanel / Karmin

Bein’ Quirky with Zooey Deschanel

Zooey Deschanel…..Abby Elliott
Michael Cera…..Taran Killam
Mary-Kate Olsen…..Zooey Deschanel
Announcer/Bjork…..Kristen Wiig

[ FADE IN: ] [ ALL GREEN STUDIO ] [ ZOOEY DESCHANEL holds various life-size paper doll dresses. ]

Zooey Deschanel: [singing]“They are short girls
And tall girls
Big girls & small girls
But the best girl is a quirky one!”

[ Zooey makes a catfight call. ] [ INT. KITCHEN – DAY ] [ GRAPHIC: “Bein’ Quirky with Zooey Deschanel” ] [ Zooey, in a vintage red dress, is seated at a table. ]

Announcer: It’s “Bein’ Quirky with Zooey Deschanel!” And here’s your host, Zooey Deschanel!

Zooey Deschanel: Hey, girl! I’m Zooey Deschanel and my soul was born in 1901! Welcome to “Bein’ Quirky” — the show that celebrates the quirky lifestyle of vintage clothes, and…

[ Zooey makes a catfight call. ]

Zooey Deschanel: With me in the kitchen, as always, is my BFF — Michael Cera!

[ MICHAEL CERA is wearing an apron. He’s dressed casually and can’t stop self-chuckling. ]

Michael Cera: Hey, Zooey! The cookies are done.

[ Michael holds high a tray of heart-shaped sugar cookies. ]

Michael Cera: They’re little hearts. They’re cute… Not as cute as you, though…

Zooey Deschanel: I MEAN… Joining me for some tips on how to quirkify your life; please welcome, my BFF — Mary Kate Olsen!

[ MARY-KATE OLSEN saunters in. Adorned in Audrey Hepburn sunglasses and a large, gold shawl, she holds tight to her Starbucks Venti-sized cup and takes a seat. ]

Mary-Kate Olsen: Hey, Zooey! I haven’t seen you since we both tried to pick the same wildflower.

Zooey Deschanel: RIGHT… Thanks for coming, M-K!

Mary-Kate Olsen: Mmmm, no problem. I happened to catch a slight breeze that brought me here.

Zooey Deschanel: Well, I love your dress! What thrift store is it from?

Mary-Kate Olsen: Oh, this isn’t a dress. It’s an electric blanket. I’m freezing… all the time. But I did find it in the garbage. Which brings me to my first tip — it’s not garbage if it’s new to you.

Zooey Deschanel: That’s right!

[ Zooey breaks the fourth wall and plays the ukulele. ]

Zooey Deschanel: [singing]“Garbage! Garbage!
It’s fun to bring home garbage!”

[ Zooey pulls out a lamp/watering can from under the table. ]

Zooey Deschanel: And we have some examples — this lamp used to be an antique watering can.

[ Mary-Kate has badminton racquet sans strings around her neck. ]

Mary-Kate Olsen: And if you can believe it, this trendy necklace used to be an old badminton racquet.

Michael Cera: Honestly, I can’t believe it!

Zooey Deschanel: Okay, nows the part of the show where M-K and I make our eyes real big while Mama Cass plays.

[ Zooey stares wide into the CAMERA while “Dream a Little Dream of Me” plays. CAMERA CUTS TO Mary-Kate staring side-to-side and puckering her lips. ]

Zooey Deschanel: Well, that was fun! Wasn’t it?

Michael Cera: Oh my goodness!!! That was maybe the most fun I had in my whole entire life!

Zooey Deschanel: So, Mary-Kate — where you do get your quirkiness from?

Mary-Kate Olsen: That’s actually my next tip, Zooey. You can draw inspirations from past generations.

Zooey Deschanel: RIGHT… For instance, this dress used to belong to my aunt.

Mary-Kate Olsen: And I’ve adopted the posture and gait of my 90 year-old grandmother.

Zooey Deschanel: I MEAN… Great tips! As always, we other these tips in honor of the founder of quirky girls, “Blossom” star Mayim Bialik.

[ Everyone give a séance to a portrait of Mayim Bialik while candles are lit underneath it. ]

Zooey Deschanel: Okay, now’s the part of the show where I pretend I’m falling off something.

[ Zooey pretends to fall off her chair. ]

Zooey Deschanel: Okay, now’s the time for crafts. Today we’re going to have some fun with yarn.

[ Zooey breaks the fourth wall again. ]

Zooey Deschanel: [singing]“Yarn!”

[ speaking ]

Please help me welcome the quirkiest girl in the entire world — Bjork!

[ BJORK giggles under the door frame to the kitchen and then sits down. ]

Bjork: Hello, Zoe! Greetings, Mary-Kate! Hi, Tiny-Baby Man!

[ Michael comes near the table. ]

Michael Cera: She’s so nice!

Zooey Deschanel: Hey, girl! Thanks for coming!

Mary-Kate Olsen: I would get up and hug you, but I would break every bone in my body.

Zooey Deschanel: Bjork, how do you live such a quirky life?

Bjork: It’s easy. Takes things you like and make them different; if you like swans, make them into a dress. If you like screaming, make it into music. If you like clouds, make them your friends.

Zooey Deschanel: Whoa! Now we’re going to knit while hula music plays. Michael… hit it, girl!

[ Michael plays a vinyl record under the Mayim Bialik portrait. ] [ MUSIC: HAWAIIAN HULA ]

Michael Cera: It’s like I can smell the ocean.

[ Zooey knits. Mary-Kate knits with her sunglasses on. Bjork knits between her knees. ]

Zooey Deschanel: Done! I made a brand-new vintage sweater!

[ Mary-Kate has her finished product on her Venti cup. ]

Mary-Kate Olsen: I made a cozy for my cup; which it can also use as a sleeping bag.

[ Bjork holds up a sweater with eight arms. ]

Bjork: I made a sweater for an octopus. I left an extra hole for its dreams and its ideas!

[ Bjork giggles. ]

Zooey Deschanel: I MEAN… That’s our show! A special thanks to my BFF, Mary-Kate Olson.

Mary-Kate Olsen: I’m a billionaire.

[ Mary-Kate takes off her sunglasses and stares into the CAMERA. ]

Zooey Deschanel: Join me next week, when my guests will be Chloe Sveigny & a beach ball! ALL RIGHT, EVERYONE! LET’S GO TO THE PHOTO BOOTH!

Michael Cera: Oh heavens!

[ All the girls enter a retro photo booth. Mary-Kate shuts the curtain on Michael as photos flash inside. ]

Zooey Deschanel: [singing off-screen]“But the best girl is a quirky one!”

Michael Cera: There not enough room in there? Guess it’s a girl thing…

[ GRAPHIC: “Bein’ Quirky with Zooey Deschanel” ]

Submitted by: Cody Downs

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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