SNL Transcripts: Zooey Deschanel: 02/11/12: Bein’ Quirky with Zooey Deschanel

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 37: Episode 14

11n: Zooey Deschanel / Karmin

Bein’ Quirky with Zooey Deschanel

Zooey Deschanel…..Abby Elliott
Michael Cera…..Taran Killam
Mary-Kate Olsen…..Zooey Deschanel
Announcer/Bjork…..Kristen Wiig

[ FADE IN: ] [ ALL GREEN STUDIO ] [ ZOOEY DESCHANEL holds various life-size paper doll dresses. ]

Zooey Deschanel: [singing]“They are short girls
And tall girls
Big girls & small girls
But the best girl is a quirky one!”

[ Zooey makes a catfight call. ] [ INT. KITCHEN – DAY ] [ GRAPHIC: “Bein’ Quirky with Zooey Deschanel” ] [ Zooey, in a vintage red dress, is seated at a table. ]

Announcer: It’s “Bein’ Quirky with Zooey Deschanel!” And here’s your host, Zooey Deschanel!

Zooey Deschanel: Hey, girl! I’m Zooey Deschanel and my soul was born in 1901! Welcome to “Bein’ Quirky” — the show that celebrates the quirky lifestyle of vintage clothes, and…

[ Zooey makes a catfight call. ]

Zooey Deschanel: With me in the kitchen, as always, is my BFF — Michael Cera!

[ MICHAEL CERA is wearing an apron. He’s dressed casually and can’t stop self-chuckling. ]

Michael Cera: Hey, Zooey! The cookies are done.

[ Michael holds high a tray of heart-shaped sugar cookies. ]

Michael Cera: They’re little hearts. They’re cute… Not as cute as you, though…

Zooey Deschanel: I MEAN… Joining me for some tips on how to quirkify your life; please welcome, my BFF — Mary Kate Olsen!

[ MARY-KATE OLSEN saunters in. Adorned in Audrey Hepburn sunglasses and a large, gold shawl, she holds tight to her Starbucks Venti-sized cup and takes a seat. ]

Mary-Kate Olsen: Hey, Zooey! I haven’t seen you since we both tried to pick the same wildflower.

Zooey Deschanel: RIGHT… Thanks for coming, M-K!

Mary-Kate Olsen: Mmmm, no problem. I happened to catch a slight breeze that brought me here.

Zooey Deschanel: Well, I love your dress! What thrift store is it from?

Mary-Kate Olsen: Oh, this isn’t a dress. It’s an electric blanket. I’m freezing… all the time. But I did find it in the garbage. Which brings me to my first tip — it’s not garbage if it’s new to you.

Zooey Deschanel: That’s right!

[ Zooey breaks the fourth wall and plays the ukulele. ]

Zooey Deschanel: [singing]“Garbage! Garbage!
It’s fun to bring home garbage!”

[ Zooey pulls out a lamp/watering can from under the table. ]

Zooey Deschanel: And we have some examples — this lamp used to be an antique watering can.

[ Mary-Kate has badminton racquet sans strings around her neck. ]

Mary-Kate Olsen: And if you can believe it, this trendy necklace used to be an old badminton racquet.

Michael Cera: Honestly, I can’t believe it!

Zooey Deschanel: Okay, nows the part of the show where M-K and I make our eyes real big while Mama Cass plays.

[ Zooey stares wide into the CAMERA while “Dream a Little Dream of Me” plays. CAMERA CUTS TO Mary-Kate staring side-to-side and puckering her lips. ]

Zooey Deschanel: Well, that was fun! Wasn’t it?

Michael Cera: Oh my goodness!!! That was maybe the most fun I had in my whole entire life!

Zooey Deschanel: So, Mary-Kate — where you do get your quirkiness from?

Mary-Kate Olsen: That’s actually my next tip, Zooey. You can draw inspirations from past generations.

Zooey Deschanel: RIGHT… For instance, this dress used to belong to my aunt.

Mary-Kate Olsen: And I’ve adopted the posture and gait of my 90 year-old grandmother.

Zooey Deschanel: I MEAN… Great tips! As always, we other these tips in honor of the founder of quirky girls, “Blossom” star Mayim Bialik.

[ Everyone give a séance to a portrait of Mayim Bialik while candles are lit underneath it. ]

Zooey Deschanel: Okay, now’s the part of the show where I pretend I’m falling off something.

[ Zooey pretends to fall off her chair. ]

Zooey Deschanel: Okay, now’s the time for crafts. Today we’re going to have some fun with yarn.

[ Zooey breaks the fourth wall again. ]

Zooey Deschanel: [singing]“Yarn!”

[ speaking ]

Please help me welcome the quirkiest girl in the entire world — Bjork!

[ BJORK giggles under the door frame to the kitchen and then sits down. ]

Bjork: Hello, Zoe! Greetings, Mary-Kate! Hi, Tiny-Baby Man!

[ Michael comes near the table. ]

Michael Cera: She’s so nice!

Zooey Deschanel: Hey, girl! Thanks for coming!

Mary-Kate Olsen: I would get up and hug you, but I would break every bone in my body.

Zooey Deschanel: Bjork, how do you live such a quirky life?

Bjork: It’s easy. Takes things you like and make them different; if you like swans, make them into a dress. If you like screaming, make it into music. If you like clouds, make them your friends.

Zooey Deschanel: Whoa! Now we’re going to knit while hula music plays. Michael… hit it, girl!

[ Michael plays a vinyl record under the Mayim Bialik portrait. ] [ MUSIC: HAWAIIAN HULA ]

Michael Cera: It’s like I can smell the ocean.

[ Zooey knits. Mary-Kate knits with her sunglasses on. Bjork knits between her knees. ]

Zooey Deschanel: Done! I made a brand-new vintage sweater!

[ Mary-Kate has her finished product on her Venti cup. ]

Mary-Kate Olsen: I made a cozy for my cup; which it can also use as a sleeping bag.

[ Bjork holds up a sweater with eight arms. ]

Bjork: I made a sweater for an octopus. I left an extra hole for its dreams and its ideas!

[ Bjork giggles. ]

Zooey Deschanel: I MEAN… That’s our show! A special thanks to my BFF, Mary-Kate Olson.

Mary-Kate Olsen: I’m a billionaire.

[ Mary-Kate takes off her sunglasses and stares into the CAMERA. ]

Zooey Deschanel: Join me next week, when my guests will be Chloe Sveigny & a beach ball! ALL RIGHT, EVERYONE! LET’S GO TO THE PHOTO BOOTH!

Michael Cera: Oh heavens!

[ All the girls enter a retro photo booth. Mary-Kate shuts the curtain on Michael as photos flash inside. ]

Zooey Deschanel: [singing off-screen]“But the best girl is a quirky one!”

Michael Cera: There not enough room in there? Guess it’s a girl thing…

[ GRAPHIC: “Bein’ Quirky with Zooey Deschanel” ]

Submitted by: Cody Downs

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