Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 37: Episode 14
Bein Quirky with Zooey Deschanel
Zooey Deschanel…..Abby Elliott
Michael Cera…..Taran Killam
Mary-Kate Olsen…..Zooey Deschanel
[ FADE IN: ] [ ALL GREEN STUDIO ] [ ZOOEY DESCHANEL holds various life-size paper doll dresses. ]
Zooey Deschanel: [singing]They are short girls
And tall girls
Big girls & small girls
But the best girl is a quirky one!
Announcer: Its Bein Quirky with Zooey Deschanel! And heres your host, Zooey Deschanel!
Zooey Deschanel: Hey, girl! Im Zooey Deschanel and my soul was born in 1901! Welcome to Bein Quirky — the show that celebrates the quirky lifestyle of vintage clothes, and…
Zooey Deschanel: With me in the kitchen, as always, is my BFF — Michael Cera![ MICHAEL CERA is wearing an apron. Hes dressed casually and cant stop self-chuckling. ]
Michael Cera: Hey, Zooey! The cookies are done.[ Michael holds high a tray of heart-shaped sugar cookies. ]
Michael Cera: Theyre little hearts. Theyre cute… Not as cute as you, though…
Zooey Deschanel: I MEAN… Joining me for some tips on how to quirkify your life; please welcome, my BFF — Mary Kate Olsen![ MARY-KATE OLSEN saunters in. Adorned in Audrey Hepburn sunglasses and a large, gold shawl, she holds tight to her Starbucks Venti-sized cup and takes a seat. ]
Mary-Kate Olsen: Hey, Zooey! I havent seen you since we both tried to pick the same wildflower.
Zooey Deschanel: RIGHT… Thanks for coming, M-K!
Mary-Kate Olsen: Mmmm, no problem. I happened to catch a slight breeze that brought me here.
Zooey Deschanel: Well, I love your dress! What thrift store is it from?
Mary-Kate Olsen: Oh, this isnt a dress. Its an electric blanket. Im freezing… all the time. But I did find it in the garbage. Which brings me to my first tip — its not garbage if its new to you.
Zooey Deschanel: Thats right![ Zooey breaks the fourth wall and plays the ukulele. ]
Zooey Deschanel: [singing]Garbage! Garbage!
It’s fun to bring home garbage!
Zooey Deschanel: And we have some examples — this lamp used to be an antique watering can.
Mary-Kate Olsen: And if you can believe it, this trendy necklace used to be an old badminton racquet.
Michael Cera: Honestly, I cant believe it!
Zooey Deschanel: Okay, nows the part of the show where M-K and I make our eyes real big while Mama Cass plays.[ Zooey stares wide into the CAMERA while Dream a Little Dream of Me plays. CAMERA CUTS TO Mary-Kate staring side-to-side and puckering her lips. ]
Zooey Deschanel: Well, that was fun! Wasnt it?
Michael Cera: Oh my goodness!!! That was maybe the most fun I had in my whole entire life!
Zooey Deschanel: So, Mary-Kate — where you do get your quirkiness from?
Mary-Kate Olsen: Thats actually my next tip, Zooey. You can draw inspirations from past generations.
Zooey Deschanel: RIGHT… For instance, this dress used to belong to my aunt.
Mary-Kate Olsen: And Ive adopted the posture and gait of my 90 year-old grandmother.
Zooey Deschanel: I MEAN… Great tips! As always, we other these tips in honor of the founder of quirky girls, Blossom star Mayim Bialik.
Zooey Deschanel: Okay, nows the part of the show where I pretend Im falling off something.[ Zooey pretends to fall off her chair. ]
Zooey Deschanel: Okay, nows the time for crafts. Today were going to have some fun with yarn.[ Zooey breaks the fourth wall again. ]
Zooey Deschanel: [singing]Yarn![ speaking ]
Please help me welcome the quirkiest girl in the entire world — Bjork![ BJORK giggles under the door frame to the kitchen and then sits down. ]
Bjork: Hello, Zoe! Greetings, Mary-Kate! Hi, Tiny-Baby Man!
Michael Cera: Shes so nice!
Zooey Deschanel: Hey, girl! Thanks for coming!
Mary-Kate Olsen: I would get up and hug you, but I would break every bone in my body.
Zooey Deschanel: Bjork, how do you live such a quirky life?
Bjork: Its easy. Takes things you like and make them different; if you like swans, make them into a dress. If you like screaming, make it into music. If you like clouds, make them your friends.
Zooey Deschanel: Whoa! Now were going to knit while hula music plays. Michael… hit it, girl![ Michael plays a vinyl record under the Mayim Bialik portrait. ] [ MUSIC: HAWAIIAN HULA ]
Michael Cera: Its like I can smell the ocean.[ Zooey knits. Mary-Kate knits with her sunglasses on. Bjork knits between her knees. ]
Zooey Deschanel: Done! I made a brand-new vintage sweater![ Mary-Kate has her finished product on her Venti cup. ]
Mary-Kate Olsen: I made a cozy for my cup; which it can also use as a sleeping bag.[ Bjork holds up a sweater with eight arms. ]
Bjork: I made a sweater for an octopus. I left an extra hole for its dreams and its ideas![ Bjork giggles. ]
Zooey Deschanel: I MEAN… Thats our show! A special thanks to my BFF, Mary-Kate Olson.
Mary-Kate Olsen: Im a billionaire.[ Mary-Kate takes off her sunglasses and stares into the CAMERA. ]
Zooey Deschanel: Join me next week, when my guests will be Chloe Sveigny & a beach ball! ALL RIGHT, EVERYONE! LETS GO TO THE PHOTO BOOTH!
Michael Cera: Oh heavens![ All the girls enter a retro photo booth. Mary-Kate shuts the curtain on Michael as photos flash inside. ]
Zooey Deschanel: [singing off-screen]But the best girl is a quirky one!
Michael Cera: There not enough room in there? Guess its a girl thing…[ GRAPHIC: Bein Quirky with Zooey Deschanel ]
Submitted by: Cody Downs