Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 37: Episode 14
Romney: Believe in America
Mitt Romney…..Jason Sudeikis
[ open on “Romney: Believe in America” card ]
Mitt Romney V/O: I’m Mitt Romney, and I approved this message.
[ dissolve to Mitt Romney standing in his den, with dog Bear sitting on the carpet ]
Mitt Romney: Hello. Hello, I’m Mitt Romney. You’ve just caught me in my den, where I’m relaxing and not appearing ill at ease. Say, did everyone see that Super Bowl last Sunday? Wasn’t that a humdinger? As a regular person who’s just like you in every way, I enjoyed it a great deal. And I thought the players from the respected football teams each gave it their all. It’s a shame my beloved Patriots had to lose, though — unless you were rooting for the Giants, in which case… [ he shakes his head ] I didn’t just say that!
Anyway, tonight I’d like to take a few minutes to talk about my presidential campaign and let you know how we’re doing as we proceed to our inevitable nomination. This past Tuesday, we had three primary elections in Minnesota. Colarado and Missouri. As you can imagine, coming off our HUGE win last week in Florida, our biggest fear in this race was that we might peak too soon. And that’s why Tuesday’s results couldnt have pleased us more. Here’s Minnesota:
[ reveal chart with Romney in third place ]
[ chuckling ] You’ve gotta like THAT if you’re on Team Romney! JUST what we were hoping for and nowhere near peaking too soon. I guess the big headline here, though, is the poor performance of Newt Gingrich: [ chart highlights 10.8% ] Ouch! [ he chuckles ] He really ought to think about getting out of this race.
Now, the primary in Colorado was a close call. Late polls suggested that we might be in danger of winning there, which would have upset out carefully crafted strategy of staying below the radar. But, luckily, things worked out just fine!
[ reveal chart with Romney in second place ]
Ah, let me tell you something: I’ll take these numbers ANY day! But, once again, you have to wonder just what Newt is trying to accomplish by staying in this race. [ chart highlights 12.8% with “Uh-Oh!” arrow ] At this point, it’s just getting sad. Figure it out, Newt! People just don’t connect with you as a person. Fortunately, that’s not a problem I have. “Point thumb at self.” [ he points his thumb at himself ]
But of Tuesday’s three primaries, our campaign’s best performance HAD to be in Missouri. It’s an important state — a swing state — and we NAILED it!
[ reveal chart with Romney in second place ]
I was very, very gratified by our vote here — not too big, not too small, just right down the middle — perfect! And, guess which candidate didn’t even win one single vote? That’s right — a certain former House Speaker named Newt Gingrich.
[ reveal photo of Gingrich with “0 Votes in Missouri” SUPER over sad trombone sound effect ]
[ chuckling ] Oh, that’s gotta hurt! [ jhe looks offscreen ] What’s that? Oh, he wasn’t on the ballot in Missouri? Well, exactly! Like I said! [ he chuckles ] But there is one thing about this Missouri primary I should point out: According to the rules, the winner doesn’t get any delegates. So it’s really pretty meaningless, which is why we spent only $40 million there!
Now, I did see a pundit on one of the cable news shows, who had this theory that Rick Santorum was the big winner last Tuesday. And I suppose you could make that argument — in the sense that he did get the most votes in each of the primaries held that day. But I’ll tell you this: I sure wouldn’t want to be Rick Santorum right now, with all that pressure and the expectations and, uh, the tension and so on… being more popular with the party’s base than the other candidates, et cetera. No thanks. [ he laugh ] Bear knows what I’m talking about! [ his dog gets up ] Hey, Bear! Isn’t that right, Bear? [ he sits ] Here, boy!
[ the dog begins to bark ferociously at Romney ]
He does that with me! [ he laughs ] Good dog! [ the dog inches closer, then backs up ] Oh, good dog! Easy! Easy! You gotta please stop barking, Bear. Come on, help me here, buddy. Bear, I’m not kidding you. You want to go back on that roof? Do you? Okay… okay, well, uh… well, this could go on for a while… [ the dog goes behind Romney’s chair ] Oh, it may have stopped… [ the dog starts barking again ] Oh, it’s back! It’s back! Okay.
Well, uh, thank you for your attention. May God bless America… and “Live from New York –” Oh, you’re killing me, Bear! I gotta get this last one out! “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!” You ruined it, Bear.