SNL Transcripts: Zooey Deschanel: 02/11/12: Verizon



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 14










11n: Zooey Deschanel / Karmin

Verizon

Customer…..Fred Armisen
Salesman…..Bill Hader

Customer: Hi! You know I’ve been hearing a lot about Verizon’s new 4G LTE.

Salesman: You should be. It’s Verizon’s fastest, most reliable 4G network. With 4G LTE, you’ll get speeds up to 10 times faster than 3G.

Customer: So what does that mean?

Salesman: Well, let’s say you’ve got the new HTC Thunderbolt, or even the LG Vortex, you can hook up your HTC or your LG to your 4G LTE and you’ll have Verizon’s LTE in over 190 cities and 118 airports.

Customer: So it’s faster?

Salesman: Well, let’s say you’ve got the new Droid RAZR by Motorola, or the HTC Rezound, or even the Samsung Galaxy Nexus, you’re talking 4G LTE on almost our entire 3G footprint. One song, four seconds.

Customer: The song is 4 seconds?

Salesman: One movie, one hour.

Customer: Download?

Salesman: A 10 megabyte PowerPoint presentation in 15 seconds.

Customer: I really don’t know what that means.

Salesman: Are you a small business owner?

Customer: No, I live off a settlement.

Salesman: You’re a Native American.

Customer: Not on a settlement, off a settlement. I got hit by a city bus.

Salesman: Got it. Well, let’s say you were starting a small business owner and you wanted to run the entire business from your smartphone.

Customer: Well, I wouldn’t want to do that.

Salesman: Like your Droid RAZR by Motorola, or HTC Rezound, or even the Samsung Galaxy Nexus.

Customer: That sounds terrible.

Salesman: Here’s a 3G network (holding up a glass of orange juice).

Customer: What?

Salesman: Put it this way. If you want to have 4G LTE, then you have to buy a Droid Bionic, or a Samsung Stratosphere, or a Pantech Breakout, or a Compaq Mini Netbook, or the Droid Xyboard tablet.

Customer: And, what if I drop it in the toilet?

Salesman: It breaks immediately.

Customer: Thanks.

Announcer: Verizon. It’s an old person’s nightmare.

Submitted by: Raul

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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