SNL Transcripts: Zooey Deschanel: 02/11/12: Verizon


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 37: Episode 14

11n: Zooey Deschanel / Karmin


Customer…..Fred Armisen
Salesman…..Bill Hader

Customer: Hi! You know I’ve been hearing a lot about Verizon’s new 4G LTE.

Salesman: You should be. It’s Verizon’s fastest, most reliable 4G network. With 4G LTE, you’ll get speeds up to 10 times faster than 3G.

Customer: So what does that mean?

Salesman: Well, let’s say you’ve got the new HTC Thunderbolt, or even the LG Vortex, you can hook up your HTC or your LG to your 4G LTE and you’ll have Verizon’s LTE in over 190 cities and 118 airports.

Customer: So it’s faster?

Salesman: Well, let’s say you’ve got the new Droid RAZR by Motorola, or the HTC Rezound, or even the Samsung Galaxy Nexus, you’re talking 4G LTE on almost our entire 3G footprint. One song, four seconds.

Customer: The song is 4 seconds?

Salesman: One movie, one hour.

Customer: Download?

Salesman: A 10 megabyte PowerPoint presentation in 15 seconds.

Customer: I really don’t know what that means.

Salesman: Are you a small business owner?

Customer: No, I live off a settlement.

Salesman: You’re a Native American.

Customer: Not on a settlement, off a settlement. I got hit by a city bus.

Salesman: Got it. Well, let’s say you were starting a small business owner and you wanted to run the entire business from your smartphone.

Customer: Well, I wouldn’t want to do that.

Salesman: Like your Droid RAZR by Motorola, or HTC Rezound, or even the Samsung Galaxy Nexus.

Customer: That sounds terrible.

Salesman: Here’s a 3G network (holding up a glass of orange juice).

Customer: What?

Salesman: Put it this way. If you want to have 4G LTE, then you have to buy a Droid Bionic, or a Samsung Stratosphere, or a Pantech Breakout, or a Compaq Mini Netbook, or the Droid Xyboard tablet.

Customer: And, what if I drop it in the toilet?

Salesman: It breaks immediately.

Customer: Thanks.

Announcer: Verizon. It’s an old person’s nightmare.

Submitted by: Raul

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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