Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 37: Episode 15
At Home with Beyonce and Jay-Z
Beyonce Knowles…..Maya Rudolph
LL Cool J…..Kenan Thompson
Nicki Minaj…..Nasim Pedrad
Angelina Jolie…..Abby Elliott
Brad Pitt…..Taran Killam
Taylor Swift…..Kristen Wiig
Justin Vernon…..Justin Timberlake
Jay-Z: Ha-ha-ha-ha, shyeah! I can’t believe it! The two most beautiful women in the world in one room: my wife Beyoncé and my little baby girl. [Beyoncé puts Blue Ivy in her crib] Blue Ivy, Hova Junior, ha-ha-ha YUP!
Beyoncé: Look at her, Jay, sleepin’ peacefully in her crib. It’s lined with one of Diana Ross’ finest wigs. [doorbell rings] Oh no! Our friends are coming to see the baby and I am such a mess. I’m only wearing this. [she whips off her kimono to reveal a stunning, sparkly silver dress]
White Butler: [entering] Excuse me, Prince is here to see you.
Beyoncé: Thank you, White Butler. You may show him in.
White Butler: Actually, he’d prefer to enter from the kitchen.[an organ plays as Prince enters dramatically from the kitchen door in a cloud of fog and saunters over to the crib]
Beyoncé: Pronce, thank you so much for coming.
Prince: All my love and congratulations. [he whispers in Beyoncé’s ear]
Beyoncé: Baby Blue Ivy, Uncle Pronce has brought you a present. He is going to whisper it in my ear. [he does] Baby, your present is a smirk.
Prince: [does a weird half-smile] Happy birthday. [he disappears behind the bassinet] [doorbell rings]
White Butler: [entering] LL Cool J is also here to pay his respects.[LL Cool J enters in a tux and a hat]
LL Cool J: Beyoncé and Jay, such an honor to be present on such a special occasion. You can tell it’s special because I’m wearing my formal Kangol. So why don’t you tell me about the birth?
Beyoncé: [as piano music starts playing] It was perfect, LL. We were in the hospital, just me, my husband Jay, and Kanye. First my water broke, and I was like [singing note] Hahhhh… And then I went into labor, and I was like [musically] AY! AY! AY! And then the baby came out, and I was like [in a belting crescendo] OHHHHH–ooh! And asked my doctor… [to the tune of “If I Were A Boy”] “did I have a boy?” And he said “no, you had a single lady.”
Jay-Z: Yo, yeah, make yourself at home, LL. Y’know, there’s drinks in the kitchen: beer, wine, and soda! [laughs] [doorbell rings]
White Butler: [entering] Nicki Minaj has arrived.[Nicki enters in a blue tutu dress, a pink wig, angel wings, gloves and a strange cage around her head]
Nicki Minaj: Oh, hi, you guys!
Beyoncé: Hey, Nicki. We heard you wrote us a lullaby.
Nicki Minaj: Mmm, that’s right. This is from me to you, Blue. [an innocent-sounding twinkly song begins and Nicki dances as she sings] Hush little baby, don’t say a word, ’cause Mama’s gonna buy you a NIGHTMARE! [suddenly terrifying] ‘Cause there’s a DEMON, DEMON, DEMON near you, and Mama can’t help you now, baby Blue! [she strikes a scary pose]
Beyoncé: Nicki, please, you’re scarin’ him.
Nicki Minaj: Him? I thought Blue was a girl!
Beyoncé: No, I meant Prince. [pan over to show Prince crouching behind the crib, wide-eyed with fear] [doorbell rings]
White Butler: [entering] Excuse me, Brad and Angelina are here as well. They…let themselves in.
Angelina Jolie: Hello, sweet peas.
Brad Pitt: It’s great to be here–very great. Dahh!
Angelina Jolie: My baby-sense was tingling, I felt the presence of a new baby in the world and I had to come see her. [she picks up Blue Ivy] She’s so beautiful. And so multi-cultural.
Brad Pitt: Honey, we’ve got six already! Bah.
Angelina Jolie: You’re right. Anyway, we just wanted to wish you the best. [she starts to leave, still holding the baby]
Beyoncé: Hey–uh, uh, Angelina? You still have my baby.
Angelina Jolie: Oh, right. My mistake. [she puts her back]
Brad Pitt: Sorry about that–tell your daughter to call our daughter when she’s older, we’ll make a SUPER-baby! DAHH! Bye. [they leave] [doorbell rings]
White Butler: [entering] Now Taylor Swift is here.[Taylor Swift enters, covering her mouth in excitement and looking awed]
Beyoncé: Taylor, we are so honored to have you in our home.[Taylor points at the baby in wordless glee]
Jay-Z: Yeah, um…Taylor? Um…[Taylor walks slowly away, still looking excited, and they look after her, confused]
Jay-Z: Wow, she was surprised. [laughs] [doorbell rings]
White Butler: [entering] And we have one last guest. Bon Iver.[Bon Iver enters in a tweed jacket holding a guitar]
Bon Iver: [looking bored] Sorry I’m late…uh…whatever. Uh…I was just wandering barefoot in the woods of Wisconsin, and I fashioned this guitar out of a canoe, and I wrote a song for your baby.
Beyoncé: But Bon Iver, we were just about to put our baby to sleep.
Bon Iver: Trust me, this’ll help. [he begins playing the guitar and singing in a falsetto voice] Somewhere a baby falls asleep, it’s Blue Ivy…her parents are Beyoncé and Jay-Z… [incoherently] baaaaabylavolverthereiswheelgravy…
Beyoncé: What is he saying?
Bon Iver: [singing] Chugglewuggledonbeamuggle…
Jay-Z: Did he just say “don’t be a Muggle”?!
Beyoncé: I don’t know, but White Butler’s really into it.[White Butler is jamming along to the music over by the door. Bon Iver’s singing trails off into nothing and he closes his eyes]
Beyoncé: Oh no! Bon Iver put himself to sleep! [he sleeps standing up with his mouth open, still idly strumming the guitar]
Jay-Z: OK, um, let’s just put him in the guest bedroom.
Beyoncé: OK. Sleep tight, Bon Iver. [Jay and White Butler carry Bon Iver out of the room]
Submitted by: Rose Esposito