SNL Transcripts: Maya Rudolph: 02/18/12: At Home with Beyonce and Jay-Z


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 37: Episode 15

11o: Maya Rudolph / Sleigh Bells

At Home with Beyonce and Jay-Z

Jay-Z…..Jay Pharoah
Beyonce Knowles…..Maya Rudolph
Butler…..Andy Samberg
Prince…..Fred Armisen
LL Cool J…..Kenan Thompson
Nicki Minaj…..Nasim Pedrad
Angelina Jolie…..Abby Elliott
Brad Pitt…..Taran Killam
Taylor Swift…..Kristen Wiig
Justin Vernon…..Justin Timberlake

[Exterior shot of Beyoncé and Jay’s mansion] [Beyoncé rocks the baby and Jay stands next to her]

Jay-Z: Ha-ha-ha-ha, shyeah! I can’t believe it! The two most beautiful women in the world in one room: my wife Beyoncé and my little baby girl. [Beyoncé puts Blue Ivy in her crib] Blue Ivy, Hova Junior, ha-ha-ha YUP!

Beyoncé: Look at her, Jay, sleepin’ peacefully in her crib. It’s lined with one of Diana Ross’ finest wigs. [doorbell rings] Oh no! Our friends are coming to see the baby and I am such a mess. I’m only wearing this. [she whips off her kimono to reveal a stunning, sparkly silver dress]

White Butler: [entering] Excuse me, Prince is here to see you.

Beyoncé: Thank you, White Butler. You may show him in.

White Butler: Actually, he’d prefer to enter from the kitchen.

[an organ plays as Prince enters dramatically from the kitchen door in a cloud of fog and saunters over to the crib]

Beyoncé: Pronce, thank you so much for coming.

Prince: All my love and congratulations. [he whispers in Beyoncé’s ear]

Beyoncé: Baby Blue Ivy, Uncle Pronce has brought you a present. He is going to whisper it in my ear. [he does] Baby, your present is a smirk.

Prince: [does a weird half-smile] Happy birthday. [he disappears behind the bassinet] [doorbell rings]

White Butler: [entering] LL Cool J is also here to pay his respects.

[LL Cool J enters in a tux and a hat]

LL Cool J: Beyoncé and Jay, such an honor to be present on such a special occasion. You can tell it’s special because I’m wearing my formal Kangol. So why don’t you tell me about the birth?

Beyoncé: [as piano music starts playing] It was perfect, LL. We were in the hospital, just me, my husband Jay, and Kanye. First my water broke, and I was like [singing note] Hahhhh… And then I went into labor, and I was like [musically] AY! AY! AY! And then the baby came out, and I was like [in a belting crescendo] OHHHHH–ooh! And asked my doctor… [to the tune of “If I Were A Boy”] “did I have a boy?” And he said “no, you had a single lady.”

Jay-Z: Yo, yeah, make yourself at home, LL. Y’know, there’s drinks in the kitchen: beer, wine, and soda! [laughs] [doorbell rings]

White Butler: [entering] Nicki Minaj has arrived.

[Nicki enters in a blue tutu dress, a pink wig, angel wings, gloves and a strange cage around her head]

Nicki Minaj: Oh, hi, you guys!

Beyoncé: Hey, Nicki. We heard you wrote us a lullaby.

Nicki Minaj: Mmm, that’s right. This is from me to you, Blue. [an innocent-sounding twinkly song begins and Nicki dances as she sings] Hush little baby, don’t say a word, ’cause Mama’s gonna buy you a NIGHTMARE! [suddenly terrifying] ‘Cause there’s a DEMON, DEMON, DEMON near you, and Mama can’t help you now, baby Blue! [she strikes a scary pose]

Beyoncé: Nicki, please, you’re scarin’ him.

Nicki Minaj: Him? I thought Blue was a girl!

Beyoncé: No, I meant Prince. [pan over to show Prince crouching behind the crib, wide-eyed with fear] [doorbell rings]

White Butler: [entering] Excuse me, Brad and Angelina are here as well. They…let themselves in.

[Brad and Angelina are standing by the kitchen]

Angelina Jolie: Hello, sweet peas.

Brad Pitt: It’s great to be here–very great. Dahh!

Angelina Jolie: My baby-sense was tingling, I felt the presence of a new baby in the world and I had to come see her. [she picks up Blue Ivy] She’s so beautiful. And so multi-cultural.

Brad Pitt: Honey, we’ve got six already! Bah.

Angelina Jolie: You’re right. Anyway, we just wanted to wish you the best. [she starts to leave, still holding the baby]

Beyoncé: Hey–uh, uh, Angelina? You still have my baby.

Angelina Jolie: Oh, right. My mistake. [she puts her back]

Brad Pitt: Sorry about that–tell your daughter to call our daughter when she’s older, we’ll make a SUPER-baby! DAHH! Bye. [they leave] [doorbell rings]

White Butler: [entering] Now Taylor Swift is here.

[Taylor Swift enters, covering her mouth in excitement and looking awed]

Beyoncé: Taylor, we are so honored to have you in our home.

[Taylor points at the baby in wordless glee]

Jay-Z: Yeah, um…Taylor? Um…

[Taylor walks slowly away, still looking excited, and they look after her, confused]

Jay-Z: Wow, she was surprised. [laughs] [doorbell rings]

White Butler: [entering] And we have one last guest. Bon Iver.

[Bon Iver enters in a tweed jacket holding a guitar]

Bon Iver: [looking bored] Sorry I’m late…uh…whatever. Uh…I was just wandering barefoot in the woods of Wisconsin, and I fashioned this guitar out of a canoe, and I wrote a song for your baby.

Beyoncé: But Bon Iver, we were just about to put our baby to sleep.

Bon Iver: Trust me, this’ll help. [he begins playing the guitar and singing in a falsetto voice] Somewhere a baby falls asleep, it’s Blue Ivy…her parents are Beyoncé and Jay-Z… [incoherently] baaaaabylavolverthereiswheelgravy…

Beyoncé: What is he saying?

Bon Iver: [singing] Chugglewuggledonbeamuggle…

Jay-Z: Did he just say “don’t be a Muggle”?!

Beyoncé: I don’t know, but White Butler’s really into it.

[White Butler is jamming along to the music over by the door. Bon Iver’s singing trails off into nothing and he closes his eyes]

Beyoncé: Oh no! Bon Iver put himself to sleep! [he sleeps standing up with his mouth open, still idly strumming the guitar]

Jay-Z: OK, um, let’s just put him in the guest bedroom.

Beyoncé: OK. Sleep tight, Bon Iver. [Jay and White Butler carry Bon Iver out of the room]

Submitted by: Rose Esposito

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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