SNL Transcripts: Maya Rudolph: 02/18/12: At Home with Beyonce and Jay-Z

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 37: Episode 15

11o: Maya Rudolph / Sleigh Bells

At Home with Beyonce and Jay-Z

Jay-Z…..Jay Pharoah
Beyonce Knowles…..Maya Rudolph
Butler…..Andy Samberg
Prince…..Fred Armisen
LL Cool J…..Kenan Thompson
Nicki Minaj…..Nasim Pedrad
Angelina Jolie…..Abby Elliott
Brad Pitt…..Taran Killam
Taylor Swift…..Kristen Wiig
Justin Vernon…..Justin Timberlake

[Exterior shot of Beyoncé and Jay’s mansion] [Beyoncé rocks the baby and Jay stands next to her]

Jay-Z: Ha-ha-ha-ha, shyeah! I can’t believe it! The two most beautiful women in the world in one room: my wife Beyoncé and my little baby girl. [Beyoncé puts Blue Ivy in her crib] Blue Ivy, Hova Junior, ha-ha-ha YUP!

Beyoncé: Look at her, Jay, sleepin’ peacefully in her crib. It’s lined with one of Diana Ross’ finest wigs. [doorbell rings] Oh no! Our friends are coming to see the baby and I am such a mess. I’m only wearing this. [she whips off her kimono to reveal a stunning, sparkly silver dress]

White Butler: [entering] Excuse me, Prince is here to see you.

Beyoncé: Thank you, White Butler. You may show him in.

White Butler: Actually, he’d prefer to enter from the kitchen.

[an organ plays as Prince enters dramatically from the kitchen door in a cloud of fog and saunters over to the crib]

Beyoncé: Pronce, thank you so much for coming.

Prince: All my love and congratulations. [he whispers in Beyoncé’s ear]

Beyoncé: Baby Blue Ivy, Uncle Pronce has brought you a present. He is going to whisper it in my ear. [he does] Baby, your present is a smirk.

Prince: [does a weird half-smile] Happy birthday. [he disappears behind the bassinet] [doorbell rings]

White Butler: [entering] LL Cool J is also here to pay his respects.

[LL Cool J enters in a tux and a hat]

LL Cool J: Beyoncé and Jay, such an honor to be present on such a special occasion. You can tell it’s special because I’m wearing my formal Kangol. So why don’t you tell me about the birth?

Beyoncé: [as piano music starts playing] It was perfect, LL. We were in the hospital, just me, my husband Jay, and Kanye. First my water broke, and I was like [singing note] Hahhhh… And then I went into labor, and I was like [musically] AY! AY! AY! And then the baby came out, and I was like [in a belting crescendo] OHHHHH–ooh! And asked my doctor… [to the tune of “If I Were A Boy”] “did I have a boy?” And he said “no, you had a single lady.”

Jay-Z: Yo, yeah, make yourself at home, LL. Y’know, there’s drinks in the kitchen: beer, wine, and soda! [laughs] [doorbell rings]

White Butler: [entering] Nicki Minaj has arrived.

[Nicki enters in a blue tutu dress, a pink wig, angel wings, gloves and a strange cage around her head]

Nicki Minaj: Oh, hi, you guys!

Beyoncé: Hey, Nicki. We heard you wrote us a lullaby.

Nicki Minaj: Mmm, that’s right. This is from me to you, Blue. [an innocent-sounding twinkly song begins and Nicki dances as she sings] Hush little baby, don’t say a word, ’cause Mama’s gonna buy you a NIGHTMARE! [suddenly terrifying] ‘Cause there’s a DEMON, DEMON, DEMON near you, and Mama can’t help you now, baby Blue! [she strikes a scary pose]

Beyoncé: Nicki, please, you’re scarin’ him.

Nicki Minaj: Him? I thought Blue was a girl!

Beyoncé: No, I meant Prince. [pan over to show Prince crouching behind the crib, wide-eyed with fear] [doorbell rings]

White Butler: [entering] Excuse me, Brad and Angelina are here as well. They…let themselves in.

[Brad and Angelina are standing by the kitchen]

Angelina Jolie: Hello, sweet peas.

Brad Pitt: It’s great to be here–very great. Dahh!

Angelina Jolie: My baby-sense was tingling, I felt the presence of a new baby in the world and I had to come see her. [she picks up Blue Ivy] She’s so beautiful. And so multi-cultural.

Brad Pitt: Honey, we’ve got six already! Bah.

Angelina Jolie: You’re right. Anyway, we just wanted to wish you the best. [she starts to leave, still holding the baby]

Beyoncé: Hey–uh, uh, Angelina? You still have my baby.

Angelina Jolie: Oh, right. My mistake. [she puts her back]

Brad Pitt: Sorry about that–tell your daughter to call our daughter when she’s older, we’ll make a SUPER-baby! DAHH! Bye. [they leave] [doorbell rings]

White Butler: [entering] Now Taylor Swift is here.

[Taylor Swift enters, covering her mouth in excitement and looking awed]

Beyoncé: Taylor, we are so honored to have you in our home.

[Taylor points at the baby in wordless glee]

Jay-Z: Yeah, um…Taylor? Um…

[Taylor walks slowly away, still looking excited, and they look after her, confused]

Jay-Z: Wow, she was surprised. [laughs] [doorbell rings]

White Butler: [entering] And we have one last guest. Bon Iver.

[Bon Iver enters in a tweed jacket holding a guitar]

Bon Iver: [looking bored] Sorry I’m late…uh…whatever. Uh…I was just wandering barefoot in the woods of Wisconsin, and I fashioned this guitar out of a canoe, and I wrote a song for your baby.

Beyoncé: But Bon Iver, we were just about to put our baby to sleep.

Bon Iver: Trust me, this’ll help. [he begins playing the guitar and singing in a falsetto voice] Somewhere a baby falls asleep, it’s Blue Ivy…her parents are Beyoncé and Jay-Z… [incoherently] baaaaabylavolverthereiswheelgravy…

Beyoncé: What is he saying?

Bon Iver: [singing] Chugglewuggledonbeamuggle…

Jay-Z: Did he just say “don’t be a Muggle”?!

Beyoncé: I don’t know, but White Butler’s really into it.

[White Butler is jamming along to the music over by the door. Bon Iver’s singing trails off into nothing and he closes his eyes]

Beyoncé: Oh no! Bon Iver put himself to sleep! [he sleeps standing up with his mouth open, still idly strumming the guitar]

Jay-Z: OK, um, let’s just put him in the guest bedroom.

Beyoncé: OK. Sleep tight, Bon Iver. [Jay and White Butler carry Bon Iver out of the room]

Submitted by: Rose Esposito

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