Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 37: Episode 15
11o: Maya Rudolph / Sleigh Bells
How’s He Doing?
Ronny Williams…..Jay Pharoah
Althea Davis…..Maya Rudolph
[ open on talk show panel ]
Host: Welcome to “How’s He Doing?” THe show where the Black voter takes a look at President Obama and asks: “How’s he doing?” Let’s start with a look at how the President is polling. Some good news for the President, as an uptake in the economy has boosted his approval rating to 50% amongst all voters. But some disappointing news, as his approval with black voters is down… all the way to 99.2%. Now, are black voters disillusioned, or just upset because its Winter? To hep us answer the question “Should the President be worried about the Black voter?”, we turn to our non-partisan panel. Ronny Williams is a writer for Ebony Magazine…
Ronny Williams: What up!
Host: And Althea Davis a History professor at Howard University.
Althea Davis: [ pumping fist ] Yes, we can!
Host: Alright! Alright! So President Obama, he promised a lot in his campaign, and we have to admit he has not delivered on all of them.
Ronny Williams: That’s true.
Althea Davis: He did, indeed.
Host: Unemployment is high and the income-gap is as large as it’s ever been in our nation’s history.
Althea Davis: Unacceptable!
Ronny Williams: True… true…
Host: So the question is: “Would you consider voting for Mitt Romney or Rick Santorum?”[ they all laugh uproariously at the thought ]
Ronny Williams: I mean… can you imagine voting for Rick Santorum? The only way someone in a sweater-vest is getting my vote… is if their names are Bell, Biv, or Devo!
Althea Davis: And I do NOT like Mitt Romney. He looks like, at any moment, he might try to hand you a tip.
Host: Which brings us to this week’s “What Would It Take???”, where we ask: “What would it take for Barack Obama to lose your vote?” [ grabs stack of cards and reads ] “Would President Obama lose your vote… if he repealed healthcare?”
Ronny Williams: [ shaking head ] Nope.
Althea Davis: I would just wear a warmer coat.
Host: “Would he lose your vote if he raised taxes on the Middle Class?”
Ronny Williams: We all gotta pitch in!
Althea Davis: I frequently use our public roads AND facilities.
Host: “Would President Obama lose your vote if he was caught cheating on Michelle?”
Ronny Williams: Nope! Ain’t my business!
Althea Davis: It depends on who he’s cheating with.
Host: Jennifer Hudson.
Althea Davis: [ she shrugs ] I’m okay with that.
Host: Jennifer Lopez.
Althea Davis: You can’t blame a man.
Host: Kim Kardashian.
Althea Davis: He ain’t Super Man. He’s just a president.
Althea Davis: I’d get with Oprah.
Host: [ stealthily ] Ke$ha!
Althea Davis: Ke$ha?! No sir! I would be very upset if Barack was with that busted-up white girl! Now… is this just a one-time thing?
Host: No, no, no — he is in love… with Ke$ha.
Althea Davis: [ shaking her head ] Mmm-mmm! I do not like it, but I am okay with it as long as he does’nt move in with her.
Host: He moves in and they have a joint bank account.
Althea Davis: Oooooh, no! No, no, no! [ she shakes her head ]
Host: Does he still have your vote?
Althea Davis: [ a beat ] He does.
Host: Moving on! Alright… “President Obama does an in-studio appearance on Hot 97. On his way out of the studio, he witnesses a fight that ends in gunfire…”
Ronny Williams: [ he shrugs ] It happens.
Host: But, hold on now. “The cops ask Obama who started it, and… he tells them.”
Ronny Williams: [ confused ] So he was snitching?!
Host: He was SNITCHING!
Ronny Williams: Ohhhh, my lord, Barack! What you DOING?!
Host: Wait, wait. I’m not even done. “Mitt Romney also sees the fight… don’t say nothin’.”
Ronny Williams: You know, I respect that — I do. But I can’t vote for Mitt Romney. He looks like the bad guy in every blaxploitation movie.
Althea Davis: I see him, and I’m like, “Look out, Dolemite!”
Ronny Williams: Barack’s still got my vote.
Host: Alright. Okay. Okay. Alright. “President Obama shuts down the Apollo!”
Ronny Williams: Must be renovating.
Althea Davis: They need to redo those floors.
Host: Very well! Next one! “After a thorough investigation, President Obama is arrested for the 1996 shooting of Tupac Shakur! Does he lose your vote?”[ the panel gives this some serious thought ]
Ronny Williams: Look — it pains me to say this, it really does… but its a well-known fact that Tupac had a mouth on him.
Althea Davis: He had a temper, no question.
Host: Okay! And, finally, as always, we end with reminisces about the night Obama was elected.[ “The Night Obama Was Elected” card appears ]
Ronny Williams: Mmm!
Althea Davis: Whooooo! My lord!
Host: You remember it? Even WHITE people celebrated! I saw ’em! Hugging each other and drinking champagne!
Ronny Williams: You know what I did? I went outside and breakdanced for three days straight!
Host: I kissed a police dog in the mouth!
Althea Davis: I had an open house for a week. I wasn’t selling my house — I just kept it open! People could just come and go as they pleased, I just stood in the middle of the living room like this: [ she stretches her arms out ]
Host: Alright, well, we’ll take a quick break. When we come back: Who do YOU think killed Nicole Brown Simpson? [ he gives an ominous look ] [ fade ]