SNL Transcripts: Maya Rudolph: 02/18/12: New York Sports Now

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 37: Episode 15

11o: Maya Rudolph / Sleigh Bells

New York Sports Now

Dan Mardell…..Bill Hader
Sportscaster #1…..Kenan Thompson
Sportscaster #2…..Jay Pharoah
Joe Dickson…..Taran Killam

[ open on graphics ] [ dissolve to sports desk ]

Dan Mardell: Welcome to “New York Sports Now”. I’m Dan Mardell… with our special report on Knicks point guard — #17, Jeremy Lin, and the Lin-sanity surrounding him. Now, uh, despite the Knicks’ loss in New Orleans, the Big Apple is still in the middle of a Jeremy Lin-vasion. Fellows — do you have Lin-sanity?

Sportscaster #2: Hey — you better lock me up! I mean, I am criminally Lin-sane!

Joe Dickson: [ laughing ] Oh, yeah! My feelings are… Lin-tense!

Sportscaster #1: It’s Lin-describable! I mean, I am Lin-erally… Lin love… with this Jeremy Lin!

Dan Mardell: I think we can all agree that we’ll never get tired of Lin puns!

Sportscaster #1: Well… as Charlie Sheen would say: “Lin-ninnnnnggg!”

[ they all laugh ]

Dan Mardell: That’s another thing we never got tired of! [ he laughs ] Yeah. Now, with all the talk swirling around Lin, some of the discussion has gotten racially charged. We’ve seen derogatory statements from Fox Sports’ Jason Whitlock and The bottom line is — the kid’s a great basketball player, and race has nothing to do with it. As the New York Post said… [ he holds up front page ] “He’s Amasian!”

[ they all laugh ]

Sportscaster #1: Hilarious! Hilarious! I mean, he’s unstoppable! He’s like that sign said at Wednesday’s game: [ he holds up sign ] “Lin is the Knicks good for-tune!”

Sportscaster #2: He’s sweet not sour.

Sportscaster #1: He turned Kobe into kobe beef!

Joe Dickson: And Kobe’s like, “Hey! I ordered fried chicken!”

[ the guys react negatively to his racist joke ]

Sportscaster #2: You said chicken! You said chicken!

Dan Mardell: Come on, Joe! Leave race out of this! Fellows, Jeremy Lin had some amazing moments this week. What were some of your favorite Lin-cidences?

Sportscaster #1: Well, I’d say it was in the Fourth Quarter against the Lakers. Lin goes to the corner and… Me love you LONG time… sends a three!

Sportscaster #2: I gotta say, Knicks wrapped up last Tuesday. Five seconds left, Lin goes to the top of the key and — Wax on, wax off, Mr. Miyagi! — game winning shot!

Joe Dickson: Actually, I picked the Knicks kings when Lin passed it to Amare Stoudemire. Stoudemire was dancing like Maury Povich just told him: “You are NOT the father!” [ he laughs ] [ the guys react negatively to his racist joke ]

Sportscaster #1: He was NOT dancing!

Joe Dickson: [ nervously ] I’m just finding the line…

Dan Mardell: If he was, I bet he was saying, “No more arigato, Mr. Lin-bato!”

Sportscaster #1: Ha ha! Now, THAT’S funny! That’s funny!

Dan Mardell: [ bowing gratefully ] Switching gears for a moment, it’s Black History Month. Let’s take a moment to honor a great African-American athlete.

[ cut to black-and-footage of Jackie Robinson ]

Voiceover: Jackie Robinson. An amazing who broke down barriers. Robinson endured name-calling and racial taunts, but he persevered. And that’s why, today, the sports world is… [ over SUPER ] Tolerant.

[ cut back to the sports desk, as Sportscaster #2 bangs a gong ]

Dan Mardell: The Lin Dynasty! “New York Sports Now” caught up with Jeremy Lin last Tuesday. Let’s take a look.

[ cut to interview footage with Jeremy Lin ]

Dan Mardell V/O: “Ha ha! It was a great honor to throw the ball today! Better than throwing stones! Ha! Soon, we battle Dallas and I will try my tiger claw technique! Go!”

[ cut back to Dan Mardell laughing at the sports desk ]

Dan Mardell: Oops! Whoever switched the audio, that person will be reprimanded!

Sportscaster #1: You know, I think there is something glaring that we are all overlooking. I mean, what’s gonna happen when Carmelo Anthony comes back?

Dan Mardell: I hope he likes Chinese in his MSG! See what I did there?

Sportscaster #1: [ laughing ] Yeah, I saw that! I saw that!

Sportscaster #2: Hey! Carmelo’s gonna see Lin in the locker room and be like, “Excuse me, are we playing Ping-Pong here?”

[ the guys all laugh ]

Joe Dickson: Well, they may not see him at all, because my homie Carmelo rolls in late!

Sportscaster #1: Hey! Hey! I’ll tell you one more time! One more time!

Sportscaster #2: That’s extremely offensive!

Sportscaster #1: Yeah! The notion that an African-Anerican male is late for work is an outdated and IGNORANT stereotype!

Joe Dickson: [ bewildered ] I’m sorry… I thought we were having that kind of fun! Dan back me up!

Dan Mardell: [ to the camera, serious ] We apologize to the viewers at home for the comments of Joe Dickson. They were Lin-sensitive and politically Lin-correct. He has been fired!

[ wide shot reveals Dickson’s sudden absence from the sports desk ]

Dan Mardell: When we return. we’ll talk to Jeremy Lin with comedian Don Rickles and a crotchety World War II veteran. “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

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