SNL Transcripts: Maya Rudolph: 02/18/12: New York Sports Now

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 37: Episode 15

11o: Maya Rudolph / Sleigh Bells

New York Sports Now

Dan Mardell…..Bill Hader
Sportscaster #1…..Kenan Thompson
Sportscaster #2…..Jay Pharoah
Joe Dickson…..Taran Killam

[ open on graphics ]

[ dissolve to sports desk ]

Dan Mardell: Welcome to “New York Sports Now”. I’m Dan Mardell… with our special report on Knicks point guard — #17, Jeremy Lin, and the Lin-sanity surrounding him. Now, uh, despite the Knicks’ loss in New Orleans, the Big Apple is still in the middle of a Jeremy Lin-vasion. Fellows — do you have Lin-sanity?

Sportscaster #2: Hey — you better lock me up! I mean, I am criminally Lin-sane!

Joe Dickson: [ laughing ] Oh, yeah! My feelings are… Lin-tense!

Sportscaster #1: It’s Lin-describable! I mean, I am Lin-erally… Lin love… with this Jeremy Lin!

Dan Mardell: I think we can all agree that we’ll never get tired of Lin puns!

Sportscaster #1: Well… as Charlie Sheen would say: “Lin-ninnnnnggg!”

[ they all laugh ]

Dan Mardell: That’s another thing we never got tired of! [ he laughs ] Yeah. Now, with all the talk swirling around Lin, some of the discussion has gotten racially charged. We’ve seen derogatory statements from Fox Sports’ Jason Whitlock and The bottom line is — the kid’s a great basketball player, and race has nothing to do with it. As the New York Post said… [ he holds up front page ] “He’s Amasian!”

[ they all laugh ]

Sportscaster #1: Hilarious! Hilarious! I mean, he’s unstoppable! He’s like that sign said at Wednesday’s game: [ he holds up sign ] “Lin is the Knicks good for-tune!”

Sportscaster #2: He’s sweet not sour.

Sportscaster #1: He turned Kobe into kobe beef!

Joe Dickson: And Kobe’s like, “Hey! I ordered fried chicken!”

[ the guys react negatively to his racist joke ]

Sportscaster #2: You said chicken! You said chicken!

Dan Mardell: Come on, Joe! Leave race out of this! Fellows, Jeremy Lin had some amazing moments this week. What were some of your favorite Lin-cidences?

Sportscaster #1: Well, I’d say it was in the Fourth Quarter against the Lakers. Lin goes to the corner and… Me love you LONG time… sends a three!

Sportscaster #2: I gotta say, Knicks wrapped up last Tuesday. Five seconds left, Lin goes to the top of the key and — Wax on, wax off, Mr. Miyagi! — game winning shot!

Joe Dickson: Actually, I picked the Knicks kings when Lin passed it to Amare Stoudemire. Stoudemire was dancing like Maury Povich just told him: “You are NOT the father!” [ he laughs ]

[ the guys react negatively to his racist joke ]

Sportscaster #1: He was NOT dancing!

Joe Dickson: [ nervously ] I’m just finding the line…

Dan Mardell: If he was, I bet he was saying, “No more arigato, Mr. Lin-bato!”

Sportscaster #1: Ha ha! Now, THAT’S funny! That’s funny!

Dan Mardell: [ bowing gratefully ] Switching gears for a moment, it’s Black History Month. Let’s take a moment to honor a great African-American athlete.

[ cut to black-and-footage of Jackie Robinson ]

Voiceover: Jackie Robinson. An amazing who broke down barriers. Robinson endured name-calling and racial taunts, but he persevered. And that’s why, today, the sports world is… [ over SUPER ] Tolerant.

[ cut back to the sports desk, as Sportscaster #2 bangs a gong ]

Dan Mardell: The Lin Dynasty! “New York Sports Now” caught up with Jeremy Lin last Tuesday. Let’s take a look.

[ cut to interview footage with Jeremy Lin ]

Dan Mardell V/O: “Ha ha! It was a great honor to throw the ball today! Better than throwing stones! Ha! Soon, we battle Dallas and I will try my tiger claw technique! Go!”

[ cut back to Dan Mardell laughing at the sports desk ]

Dan Mardell: Oops! Whoever switched the audio, that person will be reprimanded!

Sportscaster #1: You know, I think there is something glaring that we are all overlooking. I mean, what’s gonna happen when Carmelo Anthony comes back?

Dan Mardell: I hope he likes Chinese in his MSG! See what I did there?

Sportscaster #1: [ laughing ] Yeah, I saw that! I saw that!

Sportscaster #2: Hey! Carmelo’s gonna see Lin in the locker room and be like, “Excuse me, are we playing Ping-Pong here?”

[ the guys all laugh ]

Joe Dickson: Well, they may not see him at all, because my homie Carmelo rolls in late!

Sportscaster #1: Hey! Hey! I’ll tell you one more time! One more time!

Sportscaster #2: That’s extremely offensive!

Sportscaster #1: Yeah! The notion that an African-Anerican male is late for work is an outdated and IGNORANT stereotype!

Joe Dickson: [ bewildered ] I’m sorry… I thought we were having that kind of fun! Dan back me up!

Dan Mardell: [ to the camera, serious ] We apologize to the viewers at home for the comments of Joe Dickson. They were Lin-sensitive and politically Lin-correct. He has been fired!

[ wide shot reveals Dickson’s sudden absence from the sports desk ]

Dan Mardell: When we return. we’ll talk to Jeremy Lin with comedian Don Rickles and a crotchety World War II veteran. “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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