SNL Transcripts: Maya Rudolph: 02/18/12: Weekend Update with Seth Meyers



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 15


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11o: Maya Rudolph / Sleigh Bells

Weekend Update with Seth Meyers

…..Seth Meyers
…..Amy Poehler

Announcer: “Weekend Update”, with Seth Meyers.

Seth Meyers: Good evening, I’m Seth Meyers. Here are tonight’s top stories.

A new poll shows that President Obama’s approval rating has risen in recent weeks, and now stands at 50%. Said the president: [ image: Newt Gingrich, Rick Santorum, Mitt Romney ] “Keep talking, fellas!”

A Congressional hearing held Thursday to debate President Obama’s birth control mandate was criticized for not including any women. Though that makes sense once you learn that the hearing was held in the Congressional tree house.

CBS said, this week, they expect high profits this year, due in part to increased ad revenue from Republican presidential candidates. Because if you can find this lady believable as a cop… [ image: Emilt Procter, “CSI: Miami”] you might find this guy believable as a president. [ image: Rick Santorum ]

The commander of the International Space Station, on Wednesday, shook hands with Robonaut, which NASA officials are calling the first ever handshake between a human and a robot in space — and which robots are ominously calling “Phase 1”.

A Pekingese named Malachy was named Best in Show at this year’s Westminster Dog Show. Oh, man… that dog is gonna get so much leg! And as always at Westminster, Worst in Show went to Ralph. Why do you keep trying, Ralph?

Seth Meyers: This week, the birth control debate came to the forefront again, after Congressman Daniel Eissmann called a hearing on President Obama’s healthcare mandate, but failed to invite any women to join the panel. That brings us to a segment we like to call: “Really!?! with Seth and Amy”.

[ Amy Poehler appears at the desk ]

Seth Meyers: Ready to do this? [ Amy nods ] Let’s do it!

Amy Poehler: Really? Really, Congress? You held a congressional committee on reproductive rights, and you did not invite any women? Really! That would be like not inviting any men to a congressional committee debating the Maxim Top 100! Really!

Seth Meyers: Really! And, really — men HAVE to be smarter when they talk about birth control. This week, Foster Frees, the billionaire backer of Rick Santorum, joked that when he was young, women held an aspirin between their knees for birth control. Good one! But do you really want to start a discussion of health care with “When I was young…”? when you were young, people died of polio! I mean, really!

Amy Poehler: Really! Now, later in the week, Frees apologized for his comments. Well, we’d love to accept your apology, Foster, but you made a mistake… and now you’re going to have to live with that mistake for the rest of your life! Really!

Seth Meyers: Really!

Amy Poehler: And you know why we need birth control? There are TOO MANY PEOPLE!! Do you guys remember the opening ceremony at the Chinese Olympics?! They built PYRAMIDS out of PEOPLE!! Pyramids!

Seth Meyers: Pyramids!

Amy Poehler: Pyramids!

Seth Meyers: There are PEOPLE pyramids!

Amy Poehler: PEOPLE pyramids! THAT should be an adverisement for condoms! [ she throws up her hands in disgust ]

Seth Meyers: Meanwhile, both Mitt Romney and Rick Santorum used the Rhythm Method, and, with five and eight kids respectively, it seems like they might have even less rhythm than we thought! I mean, really!

Amy Poehler: Really! The Virginia House of Representatives, this week, passed a bill that require women to have a transvaginal ultrasound before having an abortion. Really! Now, don’t get me wrong. I love Transvaginal — it’s my favorite airline! I got so many miles on Transvaginal that I alaways get upgraded to Lady Business!

Seth Meyers: Really?

Amy Poehler: Yeah, really!

Seth Meyers: Oh! But Virginia wasn’t done. They also passed a bill saying “Life begins at conception.” What’s next, “Life begins at last call?” “Life begins when you click Send on your Match.com profile?” I mean, really!

Amy Poehler: Really! Mike Huckabee joined the fight against President Obama’s mandate, saying, “We’re ALL Catholic now!” Really? You know who is NOT All-Catholic now? All Cstholics now! 98% of Catholic women say they’ve used birth control, and the other 2% are always the ones trying to get a church to start a softball team! Really!

Seth Meyers: Really!

Amy Poehler: Don’t tell me what to do!

[ cut to title card ]

Announcer: This has been “Really!?! with Seth & Amy”.

[ return to news desk ]

Seth Meyers: Amy, uh… it would be my honor…

Amy Poehler: Yeah, yeah, I’ll stick around and tell some jokes!

Seth Meyers: Okay.

Amy Poehler: A new study shows that a record high 1 in 12 marriages in the U.S. are interracial. The study went on to say: “But, hey, it’s none of my business…”

It was reported that while on a trip to South Africa, singer Shakira was attacked by a sea lion after she got too close to it. And the story has to be true, because the story was reported by Shakira’s hips.

Seth Meyers: Hips don’t lie. They don’t lie. Her hips don’t lie! That’s what you’re getting at, right?

Amy Poehler: Yes!

Seth Meyers: Yeah.

Amy Poehler: That’s what I said.

Seth Meyers: Yeah, I get it!

New research suggests that men who are “too nice” on Valentine’s Day and buy their women too many gifts make the women suspect that the men are cheating. So your instincts were right: You CAN’T win!

New York’s MTA, which is replacing wooden benches in the subway stations with new metal ones, will be selling the old wooden benches for $600, to… [ confused ] The Center for Disease Control? And, if you act now, they’ll even throw in an exhausted rabbi.

Amy Poehler: Police in New York broke up a drug ring that sold marijuana in Sour Patch candy wrappers. Forcing many New Yorkers to shrug and call their other guy.

Some linguistics experts have noted that the hit British series “Downton Abbey”, which is set in the 1920s, has incorrectly used phrases that would not have been popular until much later, including: “Step on it,” “Push comes to shove,” and the most glaring of all: “You should totally tweet that.”

Seth Meyers: The 2012 Sports Illustrated Swimsuit issue was released this week with model Kate Upton on the cover. It’s just a shame they didn’t have a swimsuit in her size.

Insiders are saying that a new cola war may break out between Coke and Pepsi, with Pepsi planning $600 million in the next year on marketing. Pepsi is even rolling out a new slogan: “We Don’t Have Coke. Is Pepsi Okay?”

Seth Meyers: For “Weekend Update”, I’m Seth Meyers!

Amy Poehler: And I’m Amy Poehler! Good night!

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