Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 37: Episode 16
First Disciple…..Bill Hader
Second Disciple…..Vanessa Bayer
Third Disciple…..Bobby Moynihan
Fourth Disciple…..Lindsay Lohan
Annuncer: [ over SCROLL ] “Over two-thousand years ago, a man known as Buddha attained enlightenment while sitting beneath a banyan tree. He became a teacher and spiritual guide. Yet for all his wisdom, the Buddha had another side, a side seen only by his closest disciples. These are the tales of… Rude Buddha.”
Jingle: [ over slides of buddha making fun of his followers ] “Rude Buddha! Rude Buddha! Rude Buddha! Rude Buddha!”[ dissolve to Buddha sitting peacefully on a rock, with Karen and a Scribe by his side ]
Buddha: Who seeks the consel of the Buddha?
First Disciple: Great Buddha… my mind is always racing. How can I find enlightenment, if I cannot find a moment’s peace?
Buddha: “A flower falls, even though we love it; and a weed grows, even though we do not love it.”
First Disciple: So I should accept things as they are?
Buddha: “A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.”
First Disciple: Thank you, Buddha. [ he exits ]
Buddha: Annnnnd… that guy’s single steps should be off a CLIFF! ] his Scribe laughs ] “Um, Buddha, should I accept things as they are?” [ he laughs ] “Uh, no… you should accept that you’re never getting LAID!” [ he laughs ] Oh! Here comes another one. Be cool… be cool.[ Second Disciple comes forward ]
Second Disciple: Buddha… my husband’s mother makes me so tense. I’m unable to live in the moment.
Buddha: “There is no one path to enlightenment; a jug fills drop by drop.”
Second Disciple: Thank you, Buddha! [ she exits ]
Buddha: Uh… yeah, speaking of jugs! [ he laughs ] Did you guys see the RACK on her! [ his Scribe laughs along] I think my little Buddha just obtained FULL conciousness! Yeah! Buddha like-a the boob-a! [ his Scribe laughs ] Yeah, this guy knows what I’m talking about! Oh, here comes another guy, I’m totally gonna mess with him![ Third Disciple comes forward ]
Third Disciple: Buddha, my work consumes me. Even when I am with my family, I think about my crops.
Buddha: “You take the good… you take the bad… you take them both… and then you have… The Facts of Life.”
Third Disciple: [ nodding ] The facts of life. [ he exits ]
Buddha: [ he laughs] I just completely ripped that! Uh, P.S.: Did you guys get a whiff of his breath? He could use an enlighten-mint! [ he laughs ] Did you write that down?
Scribe: Yeah, I got it. [ he laughs ]
Buddha: Man! These people are MORONS! Right, Karen? [ Karen remains mute ] Oh, yeah! She is… just… totally checked out! [ he looks up ] Oh! Hottie alert! Act wise!
Fourth Disciple: Great Buddha… I feel that my meditation is not working. Is there any way you can help me reach nirvana?
Buddha: [ he tries to maintain his composure ] Yes, my child. I can show you then Zen way. Come back tonight, say… elevenish, and we will… “meditate”.
Fourth Disciple: And we will reach enlightenment together?
Buddha: Uh — well, I’m definitely gonna get there! [ he laughs ] You might have to work a little overtime!
Fourth Disciple: Thank you, Buddha… I guess. [ she exits ]
Buddha: Oh, Ill show her the Zen way. First, I take her home; Zen, I take her clothes off. [ he laughs ] I hope she’s not Jewish, ’cause she’s as good as PORKED! [ he laughs ] Yeah! If my tree falls in her forest, you better believe the neighbors are gonna hear it! Right, Karen? [ he laughs ] [ the last two disciples re-appear ]
Fourth Disciple: Buddha! We’ve been hearing everything you’ve been saying! How can you treat your disciples this way?!
Third Disciple: Yeah, what’s with you?!
Buddha: My apologies to both of you. Come closer. [ Third Disciple kneels before Buddha ] What is the sound of one hand clapping?
Third Disciple: I… I don’t know. What is the sound of one–?[ Buddha bitch-slaps him across the face ] [ cut to opening graphics ]
Jingle: [ over slides of buddha making fun of his followers ] “Rude Buddha! Rude Buddha! Rude Buddha! Rude Buddha!”[ fade ]