SNL Transcripts: Lindsay Lohan: 03/04/12: The Real Housewives of Disney

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 37: Episode 16

11p: Lindsay Lohan / Jack White

The Real Housewives of Disney

Belle…..Abby Elliott
Snow White…..Vanessa Bayer
Jasmine…..Nasim Pedrad
Rapunzel…..Lindsay Lohan
Cinderella…..Kristen Wiig
Prince Charming…..Taran Killam

Announcer: Coming this Fall to Bravo: If you love “The Real Housewives of Atlanta”… [ show clip ] and “The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills”… [ show clip ] Well, this Spring the drama is getting EVEN MORE ANIMATED! It’s “The Real Housewives of Disney”.

[ show Belle ]

Belle: The Magic KIngdom is my playground — and I like to play!

[ show Snow White ]

Snow White: I’m the fairest of them all — until you cross me!

[ show Jasmine ]

Jasmine: I don’t need to rub a lamp… to get what I want!

[ show Rapunzel ]

Rapunzel: I’m out of the tower, and into the spotlight!

[ show Cinderella ]

Cinderella: And I’m a huge fucking mess!

[ cut to title card ] [ open on the princesses greeting one another with kisses on the cheek ]

Announcer: It’s the princesses as you’ve NEVER seen them before!

Rapunzel: [ holding glass ] Thank you all for coming to my castlewarming party! You guys are like stepsisters to me — and not the evil kind.

[ Rapunzel giggles, but Cinderella gives her a dirty look ]

Cinderella: [ toasting her glass ] Ladies, um… I’m starting a charity to help raise money for dwarves… uh, because they need our help, because they’re not real people.

[ Snow White shakes her head ] [ cut to testimonial ]

Snow White: I cannot believe she did that! Dwarves are MY thing! And “They’re not people”?! She said that RIGHT in front of Doc!

[ at the party, camera pans down to Doc giving a grumpy face ] [ cut to dinner table sequence ]

Belle: [ holding up earrings on seashells ] Look what I got for our trip under the sea! $25,000! Can you believe? But, hey – we can all afford it!

[ pan over to Jasmine, crying; she runs from the table ]

Rapunzel: Ugh! What is wrong with her?

[ cut to testimonial ]

Cinderella: Jasmine and Aladdin are BROKE! THey used up all their wishes. [ whispering ] I heard he spent the last one on a lap dance. [ she points to herself and mouthes “With me.” ] [ Jasmine shuts the bathroom door so she can cry in private ] [ cut to testimonial ]

Rapunzel: Here’s the thing — Jasmine brought a casserole to our potluck… and I found a tiny hat inside. [ whispering ] She cooked the monkey!

[ cut to the princesses clinking their glasses ]

Announcer: It’s a whole new world — OF DRAMA!

[ cut to Jasmine crying as she explains things to Snow White ]

Jasmine: I had sex with Iago!

Snow White: The parrot?

Jasmine: I thought it wa Aladdin! He was mimicking his voice!

[ cut to Prince Charming entering the party ]

Announcer: And not all their princes are charming.

Prince Charming: Hi, ladies! Hi, Cin! [ he leans in for a kiss, then retracts ] [ cut to testimonial ]

Cinderella: Here’s some good advice: Never marry a guy who’s really into shoes.

[ return to the dinner table ]

Prince Charming: [ to Rapunzel ] Whoa! What are you wearing? [ he chuckles ]

Rapunzel: Excuse me?

[ cut to testimonial ]

Prince Charming: Rapunzel, Rapunzel… burn down that dress! [ he chuckles ] [ cut to testimonial ]

Snow White: Looks like my stepmother… isn’t the only evil queen in town! [ she holds up her hand, as seven tiny dwarf hands rise up to high-five her ] [ cut to Belle putting a boombox on top of the fireplace ]

Belle: You guys! I’m releasing a HOT new track this week, and I want you to hear it first!

[ zoom in on Jasmine ]

Jasmine: Oh, goo-oo-ood… another one.

Belle: [ singing ]“Be our guest! Be our guest!
Cavier, Versace!
Be our guest! Be our guest!
Rolls Royce, Versace!
Be our guest! Be our guest…”

[ cut to testimonial ]

Prince Charming: They should give the posion apple to whoever told that BITCH she could sing! [ he chuckles ]

Announcer: And, of course — there’s the fighting!

Belle: [ to Snow White ] Who does your hair? Birds?

Snow White: At least I didn’t marry a BEAST!

Belle: His name is Kelsey Grammer!

[ cut to Cinderella and Rapunzel having a tugf-of-war with Rapunzel’s hair ]

Cinderella: I’m gonna pull this big-ass weave off your head!

Rapunzel: Here comes MIDNIGHT… BITCH!! [ she coldcocks Cinderella ] [ Snow White is stunned, but in awe ] [ cut to title card ]

Announcer: “The Real Housewives of Disney”!

[ cut to Cinderella chugging alchohol and spilling it on her dress ]

Cinderella: [ laughing ] Whatever!

Announcer: Only on Bravo!

[ fade ]

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