SNL Transcripts: Lindsay Lohan: 03/04/12: The Real Housewives of Disney


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 37: Episode 16

11p: Lindsay Lohan / Jack White

The Real Housewives of Disney

Belle…..Abby Elliott
Snow White…..Vanessa Bayer
Jasmine…..Nasim Pedrad
Rapunzel…..Lindsay Lohan
Cinderella…..Kristen Wiig
Prince Charming…..Taran Killam

Announcer: Coming this Fall to Bravo: If you love “The Real Housewives of Atlanta”… [ show clip ] and “The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills”… [ show clip ] Well, this Spring the drama is getting EVEN MORE ANIMATED! It’s “The Real Housewives of Disney”.

[ show Belle ]

Belle: The Magic KIngdom is my playground — and I like to play!

[ show Snow White ]

Snow White: I’m the fairest of them all — until you cross me!

[ show Jasmine ]

Jasmine: I don’t need to rub a lamp… to get what I want!

[ show Rapunzel ]

Rapunzel: I’m out of the tower, and into the spotlight!

[ show Cinderella ]

Cinderella: And I’m a huge fucking mess!

[ cut to title card ] [ open on the princesses greeting one another with kisses on the cheek ]

Announcer: It’s the princesses as you’ve NEVER seen them before!

Rapunzel: [ holding glass ] Thank you all for coming to my castlewarming party! You guys are like stepsisters to me — and not the evil kind.

[ Rapunzel giggles, but Cinderella gives her a dirty look ]

Cinderella: [ toasting her glass ] Ladies, um… I’m starting a charity to help raise money for dwarves… uh, because they need our help, because they’re not real people.

[ Snow White shakes her head ] [ cut to testimonial ]

Snow White: I cannot believe she did that! Dwarves are MY thing! And “They’re not people”?! She said that RIGHT in front of Doc!

[ at the party, camera pans down to Doc giving a grumpy face ] [ cut to dinner table sequence ]

Belle: [ holding up earrings on seashells ] Look what I got for our trip under the sea! $25,000! Can you believe? But, hey – we can all afford it!

[ pan over to Jasmine, crying; she runs from the table ]

Rapunzel: Ugh! What is wrong with her?

[ cut to testimonial ]

Cinderella: Jasmine and Aladdin are BROKE! THey used up all their wishes. [ whispering ] I heard he spent the last one on a lap dance. [ she points to herself and mouthes “With me.” ] [ Jasmine shuts the bathroom door so she can cry in private ] [ cut to testimonial ]

Rapunzel: Here’s the thing — Jasmine brought a casserole to our potluck… and I found a tiny hat inside. [ whispering ] She cooked the monkey!

[ cut to the princesses clinking their glasses ]

Announcer: It’s a whole new world — OF DRAMA!

[ cut to Jasmine crying as she explains things to Snow White ]

Jasmine: I had sex with Iago!

Snow White: The parrot?

Jasmine: I thought it wa Aladdin! He was mimicking his voice!

[ cut to Prince Charming entering the party ]

Announcer: And not all their princes are charming.

Prince Charming: Hi, ladies! Hi, Cin! [ he leans in for a kiss, then retracts ] [ cut to testimonial ]

Cinderella: Here’s some good advice: Never marry a guy who’s really into shoes.

[ return to the dinner table ]

Prince Charming: [ to Rapunzel ] Whoa! What are you wearing? [ he chuckles ]

Rapunzel: Excuse me?

[ cut to testimonial ]

Prince Charming: Rapunzel, Rapunzel… burn down that dress! [ he chuckles ] [ cut to testimonial ]

Snow White: Looks like my stepmother… isn’t the only evil queen in town! [ she holds up her hand, as seven tiny dwarf hands rise up to high-five her ] [ cut to Belle putting a boombox on top of the fireplace ]

Belle: You guys! I’m releasing a HOT new track this week, and I want you to hear it first!

[ zoom in on Jasmine ]

Jasmine: Oh, goo-oo-ood… another one.

Belle: [ singing ]“Be our guest! Be our guest!
Cavier, Versace!
Be our guest! Be our guest!
Rolls Royce, Versace!
Be our guest! Be our guest…”

[ cut to testimonial ]

Prince Charming: They should give the posion apple to whoever told that BITCH she could sing! [ he chuckles ]

Announcer: And, of course — there’s the fighting!

Belle: [ to Snow White ] Who does your hair? Birds?

Snow White: At least I didn’t marry a BEAST!

Belle: His name is Kelsey Grammer!

[ cut to Cinderella and Rapunzel having a tugf-of-war with Rapunzel’s hair ]

Cinderella: I’m gonna pull this big-ass weave off your head!

Rapunzel: Here comes MIDNIGHT… BITCH!! [ she coldcocks Cinderella ] [ Snow White is stunned, but in awe ] [ cut to title card ]

Announcer: “The Real Housewives of Disney”!

[ cut to Cinderella chugging alchohol and spilling it on her dress ]

Cinderella: [ laughing ] Whatever!

Announcer: Only on Bravo!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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