Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 37: Episode 16
The Real Housewives of Disney
Snow White…..Vanessa Bayer
Prince Charming…..Taran Killam
Announcer: Coming this Fall to Bravo: If you love “The Real Housewives of Atlanta”… [ show clip ] and “The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills”… [ show clip ] Well, this Spring the drama is getting EVEN MORE ANIMATED! It’s “The Real Housewives of Disney”.[ show Belle ]
Belle: The Magic KIngdom is my playground — and I like to play![ show Snow White ]
Snow White: I’m the fairest of them all — until you cross me!
Jasmine: I don’t need to rub a lamp… to get what I want![ show Rapunzel ]
Rapunzel: I’m out of the tower, and into the spotlight![ show Cinderella ]
Cinderella: And I’m a huge fucking mess![ cut to title card ] [ open on the princesses greeting one another with kisses on the cheek ]
Announcer: It’s the princesses as you’ve NEVER seen them before!
Rapunzel: [ holding glass ] Thank you all for coming to my castlewarming party! You guys are like stepsisters to me — and not the evil kind.[ Rapunzel giggles, but Cinderella gives her a dirty look ]
Cinderella: [ toasting her glass ] Ladies, um… I’m starting a charity to help raise money for dwarves… uh, because they need our help, because they’re not real people.
Snow White: I cannot believe she did that! Dwarves are MY thing! And “They’re not people”?! She said that RIGHT in front of Doc![ at the party, camera pans down to Doc giving a grumpy face ] [ cut to dinner table sequence ]
Belle: [ holding up earrings on seashells ] Look what I got for our trip under the sea! $25,000! Can you believe? But, hey – we can all afford it![ pan over to Jasmine, crying; she runs from the table ]
Rapunzel: Ugh! What is wrong with her?[ cut to testimonial ]
Cinderella: Jasmine and Aladdin are BROKE! THey used up all their wishes. [ whispering ] I heard he spent the last one on a lap dance. [ she points to herself and mouthes “With me.” ] [ Jasmine shuts the bathroom door so she can cry in private ] [ cut to testimonial ]
Rapunzel: Here’s the thing — Jasmine brought a casserole to our potluck… and I found a tiny hat inside. [ whispering ] She cooked the monkey![ cut to the princesses clinking their glasses ]
Announcer: It’s a whole new world — OF DRAMA![ cut to Jasmine crying as she explains things to Snow White ]
Jasmine: I had sex with Iago!
Snow White: The parrot?
Jasmine: I thought it wa Aladdin! He was mimicking his voice![ cut to Prince Charming entering the party ]
Announcer: And not all their princes are charming.
Prince Charming: Hi, ladies! Hi, Cin! [ he leans in for a kiss, then retracts ] [ cut to testimonial ]
Cinderella: Here’s some good advice: Never marry a guy who’s really into shoes.[ return to the dinner table ]
Prince Charming: [ to Rapunzel ] Whoa! What are you wearing? [ he chuckles ]
Rapunzel: Excuse me?
Prince Charming: Rapunzel, Rapunzel… burn down that dress! [ he chuckles ] [ cut to testimonial ]
Snow White: Looks like my stepmother… isn’t the only evil queen in town! [ she holds up her hand, as seven tiny dwarf hands rise up to high-five her ] [ cut to Belle putting a boombox on top of the fireplace ]
Belle: You guys! I’m releasing a HOT new track this week, and I want you to hear it first![ zoom in on Jasmine ]
Jasmine: Oh, goo-oo-ood… another one.
Belle: [ singing ]“Be our guest! Be our guest!
Be our guest! Be our guest!
Rolls Royce, Versace!
Be our guest! Be our guest…”
Prince Charming: They should give the posion apple to whoever told that BITCH she could sing! [ he chuckles ]
Announcer: And, of course — there’s the fighting!
Belle: [ to Snow White ] Who does your hair? Birds?
Snow White: At least I didn’t marry a BEAST!
Belle: His name is Kelsey Grammer![ cut to Cinderella and Rapunzel having a tugf-of-war with Rapunzel’s hair ]
Cinderella: I’m gonna pull this big-ass weave off your head!
Rapunzel: Here comes MIDNIGHT… BITCH!! [ she coldcocks Cinderella ] [ Snow White is stunned, but in awe ] [ cut to title card ]
Announcer: “The Real Housewives of Disney”![ cut to Cinderella chugging alchohol and spilling it on her dress ]
Cinderella: [ laughing ] Whatever!
Announcer: Only on Bravo![ fade ]