SNL Transcripts: Lindsay Lohan: 03/04/12: Lindsay Lohan’s Monologue

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 16












11p: Lindsay Lohan / Jack White

Lindsay Lohan’s Monologue

…..Lindsay Lohan
…..Kenan Thompson
…..Kristen Wiig
…..Jimmy Fallon
…..Jon Hamm

Announcer Ladies and gentlemen — Lindsay Lohan!

Lindsay Lohan: Thank you so much! Thank you! I’m Lindsay Lohan, and I’m hosting “Saturday Night Live”. I know, right? I feel lucky and grateful to be here tonight, and that’s why I really want to thank all of my friends at “SNL”, who trusted me enough to have me back. You know… this studio feels like a home to me —

[ she takes one step down from the stage, which sets off an alarm; she hops back up to the stage ]

Lindsay Lohan: Wait — so the alarm goes off if I leave the stage?! I thought it was only if I left the studio? I thought you guys trusted me!

[ Kenan Thompson enters, chuckling ]

Kenan Thompson: Hey, how’s it going?

Lindsay Lohan: Hey, Kenan.

Kenan Thompson: Hey! It’s so good to see you again. You know… I forgot how beautiful your eyes are.

Lindsay Lohan: [ touched ] Thanks, Kenan!

Kenan Thompson: Can I see them?

Lindsay Lohan: Uh… okay…

Kenan Thompson: Yeah. Can I see your eyes, please?

[ he holds a penlight to her eyes and examines her pupils ]

Lindsay Lohan: You know…

Kenan Thompson: Yeah, she’s good!

Lindsay Lohan: Kenan, I should be checking your eyes.

Kenan Thompson: Oh, I’ll save you the trouble. I’ve been stoned since “Good Burger”!

[ Kenan steps away, as Kristen Wiig enters ]

Lindsay Lohan: Hi, Kristen!

Kristen Wiig: Hey, Lindsay, you’re doing a GREAT job at hosting!

Lindsay Lohan: [ touched ] Thank you! You know, I do get the feeling that everybody thinks I’m gonna screw something up.

Kristen Wiig: No! No! Hey, look at me — everyone here believes in you! EVERYONE! They wouldn’t have you back, otherwise.

Lindsay Lohan: Thanks, Kristen.

[ they hug, as the audience applauds wildly, and soon Kristen lowers her hands along Lohan and begins to frisk her ]

Lindsay Lohan: [ stunned ] Uh… Kristen, are you searching me?!

Kristen Wiig: No! No! I’m… I’m a lesbian now!

Lindsay Lohan: Been there, done that.

Kristen Wiig: She’s clean. She’s clean.

[ Kristen exits, as a hysterical, unbalanced woman in the audience shrieks, “WHOOO!! KRISTEN WIIG!!” ]

Lindsay Lohan: You know… maybe it was too soon to come back.

[ suddenly, Jimmy Fallon enters ]

Jimmy Fallon: What?! Wait, no, Lindsay — this is the RETURN of Lindsay Lohan! The NEW old Lindsay Lohan is BACK! [ he rouses the audience into a round of applause ]

Lindsay Lohan: Are you sure?

Jimmy Fallon: Yeah, yeah, yeah! Listen to me — you’re the SAME little girl who stole our hearts in “The Parent Trap”! I mean, you’re the TEENAGER who dazzled us in “Mean Girls”! You’re the lady who absolutely BLEW us away in “The Help”!

Lindsay Lohan: I wasn’t… I wasn’t, uh… I wasn’t in “The Help”.

Jimmy Fallon: That wasn’t you?

Lindsay Lohan: No.

Jimmy Fallon: That should have been you.

Lindsay Lohan: Thank you!

Jimmy Fallon: Anyway, the point is: Everybody makes mistakes! But that doesn’t mean you can’t shake them off. I mean, you can DO this! And, if for any reason, you can’t… Jon Hamm’s on standby as back-up host.

[ reveal Jon Hamm seated in the audience ]

Jon Hamm: No… no… Lindsay… no, I’m sure you’re gonna be great, just GREAT!

[ Hamm indicates to Jimmy that he’s ready, as Jimmy returns the signal ]

Jimmy Fallon: [ to Lohan ] I think you can do it… I think you can do it.

Lindsay Lohan: Alright. We’ve got a great show. Jack White is here! So stick around, and we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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