Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 37: Episode 16
Lindsay Lohan’s Monologue
Announcer Ladies and gentlemen — Lindsay Lohan!
Lindsay Lohan: Thank you so much! Thank you! I’m Lindsay Lohan, and I’m hosting “Saturday Night Live”. I know, right? I feel lucky and grateful to be here tonight, and that’s why I really want to thank all of my friends at “SNL”, who trusted me enough to have me back. You know… this studio feels like a home to me —[ she takes one step down from the stage, which sets off an alarm; she hops back up to the stage ]
Lindsay Lohan: Wait — so the alarm goes off if I leave the stage?! I thought it was only if I left the studio? I thought you guys trusted me!
Kenan Thompson: Hey, how’s it going?
Lindsay Lohan: Hey, Kenan.
Kenan Thompson: Hey! It’s so good to see you again. You know… I forgot how beautiful your eyes are.
Lindsay Lohan: [ touched ] Thanks, Kenan!
Kenan Thompson: Can I see them?
Lindsay Lohan: Uh… okay…
Kenan Thompson: Yeah. Can I see your eyes, please?[ he holds a penlight to her eyes and examines her pupils ]
Lindsay Lohan: You know…
Kenan Thompson: Yeah, she’s good!
Lindsay Lohan: Kenan, I should be checking your eyes.
Kenan Thompson: Oh, I’ll save you the trouble. I’ve been stoned since “Good Burger”![ Kenan steps away, as Kristen Wiig enters ]
Lindsay Lohan: Hi, Kristen!
Kristen Wiig: Hey, Lindsay, you’re doing a GREAT job at hosting!
Lindsay Lohan: [ touched ] Thank you! You know, I do get the feeling that everybody thinks I’m gonna screw something up.
Kristen Wiig: No! No! Hey, look at me — everyone here believes in you! EVERYONE! They wouldn’t have you back, otherwise.
Lindsay Lohan: Thanks, Kristen.[ they hug, as the audience applauds wildly, and soon Kristen lowers her hands along Lohan and begins to frisk her ]
Lindsay Lohan: [ stunned ] Uh… Kristen, are you searching me?!
Kristen Wiig: No! No! I’m… I’m a lesbian now!
Lindsay Lohan: Been there, done that.
Kristen Wiig: She’s clean. She’s clean.[ Kristen exits, as a hysterical, unbalanced woman in the audience shrieks, “WHOOO!! KRISTEN WIIG!!” ]
Lindsay Lohan: You know… maybe it was too soon to come back.[ suddenly, Jimmy Fallon enters ]
Jimmy Fallon: What?! Wait, no, Lindsay — this is the RETURN of Lindsay Lohan! The NEW old Lindsay Lohan is BACK! [ he rouses the audience into a round of applause ]
Lindsay Lohan: Are you sure?
Jimmy Fallon: Yeah, yeah, yeah! Listen to me — you’re the SAME little girl who stole our hearts in “The Parent Trap”! I mean, you’re the TEENAGER who dazzled us in “Mean Girls”! You’re the lady who absolutely BLEW us away in “The Help”!
Lindsay Lohan: I wasn’t… I wasn’t, uh… I wasn’t in “The Help”.
Jimmy Fallon: That wasn’t you?
Lindsay Lohan: No.
Jimmy Fallon: That should have been you.
Lindsay Lohan: Thank you!
Jimmy Fallon: Anyway, the point is: Everybody makes mistakes! But that doesn’t mean you can’t shake them off. I mean, you can DO this! And, if for any reason, you can’t… Jon Hamm’s on standby as back-up host.[ reveal Jon Hamm seated in the audience ]
Jon Hamm: No… no… Lindsay… no, I’m sure you’re gonna be great, just GREAT![ Hamm indicates to Jimmy that he’s ready, as Jimmy returns the signal ]
Jimmy Fallon: [ to Lohan ] I think you can do it… I think you can do it.
Lindsay Lohan: Alright. We’ve got a great show. Jack White is here! So stick around, and we’ll be right back!