SNL Transcripts: Lindsay Lohan: 03/04/12: Lindsay Lohan’s Monologue

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 37: Episode 16

11p: Lindsay Lohan / Jack White

Lindsay Lohan’s Monologue

…..Lindsay Lohan
…..Kenan Thompson
…..Kristen Wiig
…..Jimmy Fallon
…..Jon Hamm

Announcer Ladies and gentlemen — Lindsay Lohan!

Lindsay Lohan: Thank you so much! Thank you! I’m Lindsay Lohan, and I’m hosting “Saturday Night Live”. I know, right? I feel lucky and grateful to be here tonight, and that’s why I really want to thank all of my friends at “SNL”, who trusted me enough to have me back. You know… this studio feels like a home to me —

[ she takes one step down from the stage, which sets off an alarm; she hops back up to the stage ]

Lindsay Lohan: Wait — so the alarm goes off if I leave the stage?! I thought it was only if I left the studio? I thought you guys trusted me!

[ Kenan Thompson enters, chuckling ]

Kenan Thompson: Hey, how’s it going?

Lindsay Lohan: Hey, Kenan.

Kenan Thompson: Hey! It’s so good to see you again. You know… I forgot how beautiful your eyes are.

Lindsay Lohan: [ touched ] Thanks, Kenan!

Kenan Thompson: Can I see them?

Lindsay Lohan: Uh… okay…

Kenan Thompson: Yeah. Can I see your eyes, please?

[ he holds a penlight to her eyes and examines her pupils ]

Lindsay Lohan: You know…

Kenan Thompson: Yeah, she’s good!

Lindsay Lohan: Kenan, I should be checking your eyes.

Kenan Thompson: Oh, I’ll save you the trouble. I’ve been stoned since “Good Burger”!

[ Kenan steps away, as Kristen Wiig enters ]

Lindsay Lohan: Hi, Kristen!

Kristen Wiig: Hey, Lindsay, you’re doing a GREAT job at hosting!

Lindsay Lohan: [ touched ] Thank you! You know, I do get the feeling that everybody thinks I’m gonna screw something up.

Kristen Wiig: No! No! Hey, look at me — everyone here believes in you! EVERYONE! They wouldn’t have you back, otherwise.

Lindsay Lohan: Thanks, Kristen.

[ they hug, as the audience applauds wildly, and soon Kristen lowers her hands along Lohan and begins to frisk her ]

Lindsay Lohan: [ stunned ] Uh… Kristen, are you searching me?!

Kristen Wiig: No! No! I’m… I’m a lesbian now!

Lindsay Lohan: Been there, done that.

Kristen Wiig: She’s clean. She’s clean.

[ Kristen exits, as a hysterical, unbalanced woman in the audience shrieks, “WHOOO!! KRISTEN WIIG!!” ]

Lindsay Lohan: You know… maybe it was too soon to come back.

[ suddenly, Jimmy Fallon enters ]

Jimmy Fallon: What?! Wait, no, Lindsay — this is the RETURN of Lindsay Lohan! The NEW old Lindsay Lohan is BACK! [ he rouses the audience into a round of applause ]

Lindsay Lohan: Are you sure?

Jimmy Fallon: Yeah, yeah, yeah! Listen to me — you’re the SAME little girl who stole our hearts in “The Parent Trap”! I mean, you’re the TEENAGER who dazzled us in “Mean Girls”! You’re the lady who absolutely BLEW us away in “The Help”!

Lindsay Lohan: I wasn’t… I wasn’t, uh… I wasn’t in “The Help”.

Jimmy Fallon: That wasn’t you?

Lindsay Lohan: No.

Jimmy Fallon: That should have been you.

Lindsay Lohan: Thank you!

Jimmy Fallon: Anyway, the point is: Everybody makes mistakes! But that doesn’t mean you can’t shake them off. I mean, you can DO this! And, if for any reason, you can’t… Jon Hamm’s on standby as back-up host.

[ reveal Jon Hamm seated in the audience ]

Jon Hamm: No… no… Lindsay… no, I’m sure you’re gonna be great, just GREAT!

[ Hamm indicates to Jimmy that he’s ready, as Jimmy returns the signal ]

Jimmy Fallon: [ to Lohan ] I think you can do it… I think you can do it.

Lindsay Lohan: Alright. We’ve got a great show. Jack White is here! So stick around, and we’ll be right back!

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