Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 37: Episode 16
2012 Psychic Awards
Dan Fernando…..Andy Samberg
The Lovely Lucy…..Lindsay Lohan
Paolo di Avolo…..Taran Killam
Sheldrake The Inpenetrable…..Fred Armisen
Ali Baboom…..Kenan Thompson
Ayergen Ghost…..Bill Hader
Ayergen Ghost’s Wife…..Vanessa Bayer
The Beautiful Angela…..Kristen Wiig
Lead Magician…..Jason Sudeikis
The Delightful Donna…..Abby Elliott
Terrific Vince…..Bobby Moynihan
The Stunning Amanda…..Nasim Pedrad
[ open on stock footage of Las Vegas at night, with graphics ]
Female Announcer: We now return to the “2012 Psychic Awards”, live from Las Vegas, Nevada.
Male Announcer: Now… welcome back to the stage, your hosts for the evening — winner of 2002’s Best Psychic, Cruise Ship or Resort: Dan Fernando And… 2007’s Best Female Assistant: The Lovely Lucy!
[ the two co-hosts walk onstage, as the crowd applauds wildly ]
Dan Fernando: I hope everyone is having a great time tonight. Wait! [ he holds his finger to his head ] I KNOW everyone is having a great time tonight! [ he chuckles smugly ] THE POWER OF THE MIND!! [ he throws a smoke bomb at the ground ]
The Lovely Lisa: And now — the award for Best Foreign Psychic.
Dan Fernando: The nominees are: Paolo di Avolo.
[ in the audience, Paolo di Avolo holds his finger to his head and shrugs frustratedly ]
The Lovely Lisa: Sheldrake The Inpenetrable.
[ in the audience, Sheldrake The Inpenetrable holds his finger to his head and shakes it dejectedly ]
Dan Fernando: Ali Baboom.
[ in the audience, Ali Baboom holds his finger to his turban and frowns ]
The Lovely Lisa: And… Ayergen Ghost.
[ in the audience, Ayergen Ghost holds his finger to his head before clenching his fist triumphantly and jumping out of his seat ]
[ cut to AS and Lisa, with the four nominees in squares surrounding them ]
Dan Fernando: And the Psychie goes to… Ayergen Ghost!
[ Ayergen Ghost appears suddenly on stage ]
Ayergen Ghost: Alright! Alright! Thank you! This comes as no surprise to me. There’s someone here very important I want to thank — [ he holds his finger to his head ] You know who you are.
[ in the audience, his wife holds her finger to her head, then smiles affectionately ]
Ayergen Ghost: Her grandmother wants to channel her spirits into my body… [ he sucks in his breath and lets the trance take over ] Walter…? Walter, is that you? [ he smiles ] I’m kidding, I’m kidding! You CAN’T do that! You can’t! Alright, thank you!
[ Ayergen Ghost takes his award and clumsily looks for a way to exit the stage ]
Dan Fernando: You’d think he’d know what way to go! [ he laughs smugly, then clears his throat ] It’s been a great year for psychics, but next year is going to be even better. I…. [ he holds his finger to his head ] KNOW it! POWER OF THE MIND!! [ he throws a smoke bomb at the ground ]
The Lovely Lisa: But, while we celebrate triumph tonight, we also mourn loss. So please join us now, as we pay tribute to the psychics and magicians we’re going to lose in the coming year.
[ soft music plays, as we dissolve to stock footage: ]
[ 1. MYSTERIO holds up the Ace of Hearts, with SUPER: “Hit and Run Accident” ]
[ in the audience, Mysterio is stunned by this information ]
[ 2. THE BEAUTIFUL ANGELA with her head sticking out of box, with SUPER: “Sawed in Half” (by her lead magician) ]
[ in the audience, Angela gives her lead magician a sour look as he purses his lips innocently ]
[ 3. THE DELIGHTFUL DONNA performs trick with pigeon, with SUPER: “Bird Flu” as she kisses the pigeon on the beak ]
[ in the audience, Donna stares agape at the pigeon sitting on her shoulder ]
[ 4. TERRIFIC VINCE performs a ring trick, with SUPER: “Diabetes” ]
[ in the audience, Vince digests this information, then happily downs a box of Sno-Caps in light of the inevitable ]
[ 5. THE STUNNING AMANDA performs a straitjacket escape, with SUPER: “Hit BY Blimp” ]
[ in the audience, Amanda begins to weep ]
[ 6. RUFUS THE PSYCHIC DOG stands on hind legs, with SUPER: “Cats” ]
[ in the audience, wags his tongue and looks away ]
[ 7. 2012 PSYCHIC AWARD SHOW ATTENDEES watch the broadcast, with SUPER: “The Psychic Award Fire of 2012” ]
[ return to Dan Fernando and Lisa, as the crowd grows restless with fear and anxiety ]
Dan Fernando: Wha… remain calm! You can’t change the future, you can only PREDICT it! POWER OF THE MIND!! [ he throws a smoke bomb at the ground, igniting the fire ] Oh, no!! I just lit the curtain on fire!! It’s happening!! By mine own hands!!
[ audience members scream, as the screen cuts to Las Vegas at night ]
Female Announcer: Stay tuned for more of the “2012 Psychic Awards”, after this short film.
[ fade ]