Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 37: Episode 16
Shepard Smith…..Bill Hader
Mitt Romney…..Jason Sudeikis
Ann Romney…..Kristen Wiig
Taggert Romney…..Taran Killam
Tanner Romney…..Seth Meyers
Tiggett Romney…..Michael Patrick O’Brien
Targalack Romney…..Fred Armisen
Tic Tac Romney…..Bobby Moynihan
Kid Rock…..Andy Samberg
[ open on show graphics ] [ dissolve to Shepard Smith ]
Shepard Smith: Welcome to “Fox Report”. I’m Shepard Smith, and I’m a shy little possum! Things are heating up for the GOP. The Michigan, Arizona primaries were this week, and we’re only days away from Super Tuesday. Joining me now are the big winners from last week — please welcome Mitt and Ann Romney.[ the Romneys appear from their living room ]
Mitt Romney: Hello there, Shepard!
Ann Romney: Thanks for having us!
Shepard Smith: How do you feel about the Michigan win?
Mitt Romney: Uh, well — we feel GREAT! Michigan was just another ase of voters taking a look at Mitt Romney and saying, Ehhhh… I guess.”
Shepard Smith: Despite your success, you keep making gaffes that paint you as a wealthy businessman who’s out of touch with the middle class voters.
Mitt Romney: Uh, I’m not focusing on that, Shepard! I’m focusing on the VICTORIES! And, as we say in the Romney house: “I’m happier than a poor man eating a can of beans from a dumpster! Yum yum yum yum yum!”
Shepard Smith: [ excited ] Wowwwww! Your shoes must be made out of chocolate, because you keep putting your FOOT in your mouth!
Mitt Romney: Oh, no. My shoes aren’t made of chocolate, Shepard. No, no, they’re made of a fine Italian leather, and, uh, they are $1,200 a piece. Yeah — they cost more than most Americans make in a month! Uh-oh! I’m doing it again! [ he chuckles heartily ]
Shepard Smith: Ann Romney, many are saying that you’re the irresistable spark plug in this campaign.
Ann Romney: [ happily ] I am!
Shepard Smith: You keep the energy up.
Ann Romney: I do!
Shepard Smith: Any funny stories about Mitt on the campaign trail?
Ann Romney: [ laughing to herself ] No.
Shepard Smith: THank you, Ann and Mitt Romney. Okay, uh — [ he looks off-stage ] What’s that, Mother? [ reveal stuffed “Mother” skeleton from “Psycho” ] I know we’ve got more guests, Mother. Mother… don’t give me that look. I ate all of my lima beans! [ he looks at the camera and crosses his fingers ] Fib! The Romney campaign has been a family campaign, and joining us now is a reminder of his human side — the Romneys’ adult sons.
Romney Sons: [ robotic ] Hel-lo, Shep-hard!
Shepard Smith: [ smiling ] I like creepy things, and I looooove these guys. I could book you a three-night stay in my nightmares! You look like one of those living paintings at Hogwart’s! Tell us a little bit about yourselves.
Taggert Romney: Well… I’m Taggert, I’m the logical one.
Tanner Romney: I’m Tanner, I’m the practical one.
Tiggett Romney: I’m Tiggett, I’m the sensible one.
Targalock Romney: I’m Targalack, I’m the reasonable one.
Tic Tac Romney: And I’m Tic Tac, I’m the rebel — [whispering ] ‘Cause I eat sugar…
Shepard Smith: I love sugar! I keep a handful of sweets in my pockets! [ he glances off-screen ] What’s that, Mother? I know it rots my teeth! That’s why I always brush before bedtime. [ he looks at the camera and winks ] Wink! So, Mitt Romney’s five adult sons: Why should people get excited — not terrified — about your presence on the campaign trail?
Taggert Romney: Well… we connect with the younger voter. Our average age is 36, while our median age is 35. And we like the same things as young people, such as sport… cinema… and doo-wop! See?
All: We’re just like YOU, America!! [ they point robotically at the camera ]
Shepard Smith: Alright! My thanks to Stephen King, for creating those boys! Our next guest needs no introduction, but he does need a bath, because he’s a FILTHY little skunk! Please welcome Mitt Romney supporter… Kid Rock.
Kid Rock: Yea-ahhhh!!
Shepard Smith: Kid Rock, people think you’re a strange choice to be the voice of the Romney campaign. Why endorse Mitt Romney?
Kid Rock: Well, Mitt and I actually have a lot in common! We’re both from Detriot, we both got Hep-C, and we both got a license to rock!
Shepard Smith: Mitt, is this true?
Mitt Romney: Oh, I’m — I’m hep to the “C”, alright! I assume “C” stands for “calcium” — mmm, milk! And, uh, as for a license to rock, well, I am a dealer in rocks and precious minerals, so, in a sense — yes! Let us rock! [ he holds up a Satanic hand gesture, as Ann lowers his hand ]
Shepard Smith: Kid Rock, you’ve written a new song for Mitt’s campaign?
Kid Rock: That’s right. It’s called “Mitt Romney — Get the F Out of His Way!” HIT IT!![ bikini babes surround him as hard rock music plays ]
Kid Rock: [ singing ]“He’s a white trash BITCH with a license to kill!
shut your mouth, with a thousand-dollar bill!
He’s a cocaine killer!
A gangsta, too!
So hard up your doors, ’cause he’s ready to screw!”
Shepard Smith: You’re okay with this song, Mitt?
Mitt Romney: Well, I just won my home state by less than 3 percentage points, Shepard. You know, I’m not turning away ANYONE! Okay? I’m good with Donald Trump, I’m good with Kid Rock. I mean, if Casey Anthony would help, I’d slap her on the ticket tomorrow!
Shepard Smith: [ shaking his head ] Like they say, “Politics makes strange bedfellows.” Speaking of bedfellows… [ he glances off-camera ] You KICKED me last night, Mother! [ Mother is silent ] Yes, you did! You kicked me with your little Jimmy Legs! [ he returns to the camera ] Let’s take a quick break. When we come back, I’ll tell you two truths, one lie, and a million secrets. I’m Shepard Smith, and “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Niiiiiiight!”