Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 37: Episode 17
Jonah Hill’s Monologue
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Jonah Hill!
Jonah Hill: [ laughing ] Um — my name is Jonah Hill, and I am SO excited to be here! Uhhh… a lot of hosts say, “Hey! It’s been a great year for me!” [ he pauses ] But, really — it’s been a GREAT year for me! [ the audience cheers enthusiastically ] Yeah! I was in a film I’m extremely proud of, called “Moneyball”. [ the audience whoops ] Thank you. And, yes, even though “The Artist” won Best Picture, I still think “Moneyball” was one of this year’s best TALKIES. I… can’t believe we’re back to using that term. But “C’est la vie!” as Jean Dujardin doesn’t say. Uh… now — [ he laughs ] honestly, one thing about my role in “Moneyball” was that I, myself, was nominated for the Academy Award. [ the audience whoos ] Uh… thank you very much. Christopher Plummer, uh, won for his amazing performance, but just being at the ceremony was an incredible honor. Plus: It was extra special, because my grandfather, Billy Crystal, was hosting.
Um… now that all the awards are over, though, I’m just happy to be back to my regular self. That’s why being here with all my best friends at “SNL” is so great. In fact, I had a camea crew follow me this week. Let’s take a look.
Andy Samberg: Hey! Jonah! How are you?
Jonah Hill: Hey! [ he shakes Andy’s hand ] How you doing?
Andy Samberg: Good!
Jonah Hill: Uh… maybe you could get, like, a Diet Coke or something?
Andy Samberg: [ confused ] What?
Jonah Hill: I’m just a little parched from all the, uh, Red Carpet banter and Oscar nom stuff!
Jonah Hill: People are… really excited I’m back.[ return to Hill with Andy ]
Jonah Hill: Get that Diet coke, and we’ll see if there’s a tip in in for ya’!
Andy Samberg: [ fuming ] Okay… cool.
Jonah Hill: I think after the Oscar nomination, some people were worried I would, maybe, take myself too seriously, uhhhh, but… [ backstage footage reveals Hill practicing martial arts moves ] I’m not fancy to let loose and have fun.[ cut to “Wardrobe Department, Tuesday”, as Hill approaches Jay Pharaoh during a measurement ]
Jonah Hill: Yay? Yah?
Jay Pharoah: Um… Jay.
Jonah Hill: Jay.
Jay Pharoah: Yeah?
Jonah Hill: Uh… I’m having soem trouble… understanding my character. In your sketch? “Black Captain Jack Sparrow”?
Jay Pharoah: Yeah. You’re, like, in my entourage.
Jonah Hill: Okay. What does Captain Black Jack Sparrow sound like?
Jay Pharoah: [ in an exaggerated voice ] I mean, you know… sort of like this, right? Sort of like, ‘Mr. Gibbs, where are the ribs?'”
Jonah Hill: Why is he black?
Jay Pharoah: Uh… because I’m black?
Jonah Hill: [ as he walks away ] You’re good… you’re good.
Jay Pharoah: Thanks.[ cut to Hill testimonial ]
Jonah Hill: “SNL”. I think it’s almost… modern-day kabuki! Uh… it’s wearing different masks.[ cut to “Writer’s Offices, Wednesday”, as Bobby Moynihan chats with Nasim Pedrad ]
Bobby Moynihan: Am I crazy, or do his glasses keep getting smaller… and his scarves keep getting bigger?[ reveal footage of Hill in smaller and smaller glasses with bigger and bigger scarves ] [ cut to “Hair & Makeup, Thursday”, Hill sitting next to Kristen Wiig in make-up chairs ]
Jonah Hill: I feel so weird. [ Kristen gives him a funny look ] You know that feeling, like you were just nominated for an Oscar? [ she smiles knowingly ] What am I talking about? [ he laughs ] Of COURSE you don’t know that feeling!
Kristen Wiig: Actually, I was nominated. Remember? For Writing for Best Original Screenplay?
Jonah Hill: That is so cute! Was that before or after Visual Effects won?
Kristen Wiig: [ steamed ] Oh, yeah?! Well, congrats on losing to Christopher Plummer![ cut to Hill testimonial ]
Jonah Hill: [ laughing ] Am I… am I… am I jealous of Christopher Plummer? [ he takes a moment ] No… no! I’m happy for him![ return to Hill arguing with Kristen ]
Jonah Hill: Whatever!
Kristen Wiig: Yeah!
Jonah Hill: Where’s your typewriter?!
Kristen Wiig: I don’t use a typewriter!
Jonah Hill: [ mocking ] You don’t?
Kristen Wiig: Noooo…
Jonah Hill: What do you use, a quill…?
Kristen Wiig: I use a computerrrrr…
Jonah Hill: Did you go to the Mac Store?”
Kristen Wiig: Yeah.
Jonah Hill: Were you, like, “Hi! Is there a Mac genius around? I need a screenwriting program, because I need to write this new screenplay… called…”[ Kristen gives him the evil eye while waiting for him to finish ]
Jonah Hill: “I’m Dumb!”[ cut to overhead shot of Hill walking across a set as Marika Sawyer reviews her notes ] [ cut to Bobby Moynihan tolerating Hill in his office ] [ cut to Hill testimonial ]
Jonah Hill: Um… as I’ve grown up and matured into, um… one of our finest actors, I think… I think… I’m going to have to move on from things like this.”[ cut to Andy Samberg handing Hill a cup of Diet Coke, then running. Hill sips, then spits and tosses the cup of piss to the floor ] [ cut to Hill testimonial ]
Jonah Hill: Oh, my gosh… what should I do tonight? [ he checks his watch ] Why don’t I call my buddy Brad Pitt up? I’ve go his phone number here, so… [ he dials on his cell phone ] I’m gonna put him on Speaker, give you guys a little thrill! [ Operator’s recorded voice announces the number cannot be connected ] Uh… uh… I’m not getting any… service in here…[ footage ends; return to Home Base ]
Jonah Hill: Yeah. I, uh… should have watched that before we aired it. Look — I’m sorry if I got a little carried away with all this Oscar stuff. You know… I realize now that awards come and go, but… my friends are what’s most important.[ Tom Hanks runs up on stage ]
Tom Hanks: BRAVO!! BRAVO!! That is a GREAT thing to hear, Jonah!
Jonah Hill: Tom Hanks![ the audience cheers wildly ]
Tom Hanks: I, uh, I just dropped by to see if anybody wants to talk about the Space program. Does… anybody?
Jonah Hill: Okay! [ he laughs ] Yeah! Okay!
Tom Hanks: No, no, no! I heard what you were just saying about the awards going to your head, and I can totally… relate. Now… after I won my second Academy Award in ’94 — Thank You! [ the audience applauds wildly ] Uh — I asked my wife to sleep on the couch, so that there would be enough room in my bed for my Oscars to spread out. I used to carry both of them around, you know. I’d asked people, “Hey! Do you want to meet the Kick-Ass Twins, huh? It’s Philadelphia! It’s Forrest Gump! Philadelphia! Forrest! Philly! Senor Forrest! Philly-Forrest!” But, anyway — uh, I stopped doing that a few days ago, and I really learned my lesson. And so have YOU! You have mastered… the role of a mature and caring man… and I would like you… to have this. [ he holds out one of his Oscars ]
Jonah Hill: One of your Oscars? Do you mean it?
Tom Hanks: Sure! Yeah, go ahead. [ Hill reaches for it, as Hanks pulls it away ] NO!! I’m just kidding! Jeez! Are you kidding? You LOST, man! You don’t get no Oscar! [ comforting his Oscar ] I’m sorry… I’m sorry I almost let that boy touch you. It’s okay… it’s okay… You’re back with Poppa now. It’s alright. [ he kisses his Oscar ]
Jonah Hill: Fair enough! Alright. Well, uh… Tom? Uh, you’re a legend, and I’m honored to be up here with you. Would you say it with me?
Tom Hanks: Absolutely!
Jonah Hill: We’ve got a great show for you tonight.
Tom Hanks: THE SHINS are here!
Jonah Hill: so stick around, we’ll be right back![ Hanks continues to hold his Oscar out of Hill’s reach ]