SNL Transcripts: Jonah Hill: 03/11/12: The Rush Limbaugh Show



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 17






11q: Jonah Hill / The Shins

The Rush Limbaugh Show

Rush Limbaugh…..Taran Killam

[ open on title card ]

Announcer: He’s America’s most listened to talk show host!

Jingle: “Ruuuuush Limbaugh!”

[ dissolve to Rush Limbaugh broadcasting from his studio ]

Rush Limbaugh: Greetings, folks! You’re listening to Rush Limbaugh! Let’s get right to it! The left-wing femi-nazi liberal propaganda machine has been thrown into an absolute conniption fit… over some comments I made recently. I called a Georgetown law student a “slut” and a “prostitute”… and even though I apologized for my terminology… many of my sponsors have withdrawn their support! Including… the COWARDS over at AOL… the SLUTS at Turbo Tax… and the PROSTITUTES at the American Heart Association! But despite losing those and 89 other sponsors… I am NOT worried! Because I have new, BETTER sponsors! Great American companies, like:

[ reading ] “Sherman’s Imitation Mayonnaise. It might not be mayonnaise… but it IS a bargain.”

“The Syria Tourism Board. Ah! No! There’s nowhere to hide! Syria!”

And… “Barney’s Butt Crack Balm. For when your crack gets chapped!”

Many thanks to our new sponsors. See, folks? El Rushbo’s doing just fine — [ he looks off-camera ] What’s that? Okay, I’ve just been told that the SLUTS at Barney’s Butt Crack Balm have pulled their sponsorship. Don’t need ya’, Barney! ‘Cause I still got plenty of high-end sponsors! Like:

[ reading ] “Moist Books! Hey! Who left these books out in the rain? WE did! Moist Books.”

“The Mosquito Breeders of America. Ring-ring! More mosquitoes, please!”

And… “Depends for Racists! If you pee a little every time you see a MEXICAN… you need… Depends for Racists!”

Once again, we’re very grateful to all our new sponsors. Coming up in the next hour: More details on the Vince Foster murder — but! First! I’d like to thank my good friends AT:

[ reading ] “Loose Marshmallows! Hey! Want to grab a handful of loose marshmallows? Okay! Loose Marshmallows.”

And the patriots at… “Lee’s Pencil Dullers! ‘Ow! This pencil is TOO sharp!’ ‘Here — try this pencil duller!’ ‘What is it? A pencil duller!’ ‘What does it do?’ ‘What do you think? It dulls pencils!’ Fine, sure, give me one!'” [ he glances hopelessly off-camera ] “Lee’s Pencil Dullers!”

Also: “The healthy new snack: Misaki Dolphin Poppers! All the nutrients we need, ’cause dolphins are SO much like us! So start your day off right! With bits of dolphin in your mouth!”

And, finally: The great, great, great people at “Schroeder’s Fake Rape Whistles. Help is NOT on the way!”

So there you have it. Rush Limbaugh, STRONG as ever, NOT going anywhere! There could be a nuclear APOCALYPSE! And I would STILL be right here… calling the cockroaches SLUTS… and… “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”

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