SNL Transcripts: Jonah Hill: 03/11/12: Six Year Old


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 37: Episode 17

11q: Jonah Hill / The Shins

Six Year Old

Adam Grossman…..Jonah Hill
Woman #1…..Nasim Pedrad
Woman #2…..Abby Elliott
Evan Grossman…..Bill Hader
Su-Shin…..Fred Armisen
Debbie Wasserstein…..Vanessa Bayer
Waiter…..Kenan Thompson

[ open on exterior, Benihana ] [ dissolve to interior, hibachi grill. Two women sit opposite Evan Grossman and his six-year old son, Adam Grossman. ]

Adam Grossman: Good evening, ladies! Are these seats free?

Woman 1: Yes, they are.

Adam Grossman: What luck! Good evening! I’m Adam Grossman, I am currently six years old, and this is my father, Evan Grossman — age classified. Like Heidi Klum, my father is recently divorced; unlike Heidi Klum: EVERYTHING ELSE!

[ the two women smile enthusiastically ]

Woman 2: Nice to meet you.

Woman #1: What a cute little boy!

Adam Grossman: Cool your jets, sweetheart — it’ll never work between us! You’re a mature woman, and I’m this many: [ he holds out a full hand and one extra thumb ]

Evan Grossman: Don’t bother these nice ladies!

Su-Shin: [ starting his routine ] Good evening!

Adam Grossman: Good to SEE you, Su-Shin! I love your showmanship, but please be careful with those knives! You’re giving me flashbacks to my BRIS! I don’t know if I should clap, or cover my SCHMECKEL! I’m KIDDING, Su-Shin! Mazel Tov and Arregato to you!

Su-Shin: [ smiling ] How are you, Adam-son?

Adam Grossman: I’m hanging in there by a thread, Su-Shin! My father’s new girlfriend is joining us tonight! They me on-line! Based on what I read on my father’s J-Date profile, his hobbies include [ making quotation marks ] “stretching the truth”! He described himself as “outdoorsy”! [ he busts a gut laughing ] Hilarious! This is the man who has to pop a CLARITIN before he goes into the GARAGE! I’m kidding! Lighten up!

[ Debbie arrives ]

Debbie Wasserstein: Hello, Evan! [ she kisses him on the cheek ]

Evan Grossman: Hello, Debbie. That’s a very smart sweater.

Adam Grossman: Oooh-whoaaaaaa!! Did a hurricane of sexuality just burst in here, or did Debbie Wasserstein just enter the buildinggggg!

Evan Grossman: Adam.

Adam Grossman: You look LOVELY, Debbie! And that — ugh! — perfume! Let me guess: FROWN, by Calvin Klein!

[ Su-Shin delivers a rimshot with his utensils ]

Adam Grossman: Rimshot! But don’t laugh too hard, Su-Shin — I’ve seen your WIFE! [ to the ladies ] Su-Shin’s wife is so UGLY, their towels say “His” and “Its“!

Evan Grossman: Adam!

Adam Grossman: WHAT?! Su-Shin LOVES it, look at his face!

[ Su-Shin is cracking up ]

Adam Grossman: Say! I am THIRSTY! Who does a kid have to give a BLOW POP to, to get a DRINK around here?!

[ Waiter walks up ]

Waiter: Uh, good evening. Welcome to Benihana.

Adam Grossman: How are you, my man? Real talk: When I was 3, I cried every time I saw a black fella! I wasn’t racist, I just didn’t know how to PROCESS things! But now I’m 6… [ he holds up his fingers and extra thumb ] and I’m hip to your plate! You are my BROTHER! [ in a Sammy Davis, Jr. voice ] “And I think this whole coo-coo thing you’re doing is fabulous!” Who knows who that was! It was Sammy Davis, Jr.! Anybody?! They don’t know! I don’t know! Who knows? I’m SIX!!

Waiter: Well, can I take your drink order?

Adam Grossman: Let’s do a round of sake bombs, my man! I’m JOKING! I’m SIX! [ he holds up his fingers and extra thumb ] But I do want to celebrate the fact that I swam the length of the pool without my floaties today! I just put my head down, remembered to breathe, and pretended Debbie was chasing me! [ Debbie frowns ] Here’s that million-dollar smi-illlle!

Evan Grossman: It is RUDE to talk about Debbie like that!

Adam Grossman: Alright! Alright! Then, let’s talk about what I found in your medicine cabinet: [ to the women ] VIAGRA! [ presumably, the woman frown from outside the camera angle ] Don’t look at me like that! I’m gonna snoop! I’m 6! [ finally reveal the women frowning ] I was just looking for a Flintstones Chewable to get me through a tough Wednesday, and I took a SCHWARTZ pill by accident! Let’s just say it made for an interesting day at Hebrew School. My DESK was a FOOT higher than everyone else’s! The torque kept sliding off of my lap! Everything was not kosher!

[ Su-Shin delivers a rimshot with his utensils ]

Adam Grossman: I’m SIX!! [ he holds up his fingers and extra thumb ] Su-Shin! Any chance, maybe I can eat before I’m SEVEN?!

Su-Shin: Pepper steak?

Adam Grossman: Thank you, Su-Shin, sweetheart!

Su-Shin: [ to Debbie ] Pepper steak?

Debbie Wasserstein: No, thank you.

Adam Grossman: Just because you put it in Debbie’s face doesn’t mean she’ll put it in her mouth! Dad knows!

Evan Grossman: [ outraged ] Adam!

Adam Grossman: Oh! All I’m saying is: I hope this bar has an elevator, ’cause that’s the only thing Debbie goes DOWN on! [ to the women ] If you think that joke is immature, it IS! So am I! I’m SIX!! [ he pushes his fingers and extra thumb towards the women ]

Evan Grossman: She makes me happy, Adam…

Adam Grossman: And that makes me happy! You’re my Dad! I love you more than anything! And, Debbie, she’s a mensch, and I love her, too!

Debbie Wasserstein: And I love you, Adam.

Adam Grossman: Your voice is so sexy, I can’t beleive my Dad has to take a pill! [ he rolls his eyes ] Well, I’ve had so many Shirley Temples… [ he cracks up ] I feel like she’s dancing on my bladder! Dad! Care to escort me to the bathroom?

Evan Grossman: You’re old enough to go on your own, Adam.

Adam Grossman: [ flabbergasted ] Do you not watch the NEWS?! There are strangers out there who want to grab my TOOKIS!

Evan Grossman: Okay, okay…

Adam Grossman: Besides, you’re my BEST FRIEND, and you can’t blame me for wanting to spend time with you! Hold my little boy hands!

[ Adam raises his arms, as Evan grabs his sons hands and exits with him to the bathroom ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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