SNL Transcripts: Jonah Hill: 03/11/12: Six Year Old

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 37: Episode 17

11q: Jonah Hill / The Shins

Six Year Old

Adam Grossman…..Jonah Hill
Woman #1…..Nasim Pedrad
Woman #2…..Abby Elliott
Evan Grossman…..Bill Hader
Su-Shin…..Fred Armisen
Debbie Wasserstein…..Vanessa Bayer
Waiter…..Kenan Thompson

[ open on exterior, Benihana ] [ dissolve to interior, hibachi grill. Two women sit opposite Evan Grossman and his six-year old son, Adam Grossman. ]

Adam Grossman: Good evening, ladies! Are these seats free?

Woman 1: Yes, they are.

Adam Grossman: What luck! Good evening! I’m Adam Grossman, I am currently six years old, and this is my father, Evan Grossman — age classified. Like Heidi Klum, my father is recently divorced; unlike Heidi Klum: EVERYTHING ELSE!

[ the two women smile enthusiastically ]

Woman 2: Nice to meet you.

Woman #1: What a cute little boy!

Adam Grossman: Cool your jets, sweetheart — it’ll never work between us! You’re a mature woman, and I’m this many: [ he holds out a full hand and one extra thumb ]

Evan Grossman: Don’t bother these nice ladies!

Su-Shin: [ starting his routine ] Good evening!

Adam Grossman: Good to SEE you, Su-Shin! I love your showmanship, but please be careful with those knives! You’re giving me flashbacks to my BRIS! I don’t know if I should clap, or cover my SCHMECKEL! I’m KIDDING, Su-Shin! Mazel Tov and Arregato to you!

Su-Shin: [ smiling ] How are you, Adam-son?

Adam Grossman: I’m hanging in there by a thread, Su-Shin! My father’s new girlfriend is joining us tonight! They me on-line! Based on what I read on my father’s J-Date profile, his hobbies include [ making quotation marks ] “stretching the truth”! He described himself as “outdoorsy”! [ he busts a gut laughing ] Hilarious! This is the man who has to pop a CLARITIN before he goes into the GARAGE! I’m kidding! Lighten up!

[ Debbie arrives ]

Debbie Wasserstein: Hello, Evan! [ she kisses him on the cheek ]

Evan Grossman: Hello, Debbie. That’s a very smart sweater.

Adam Grossman: Oooh-whoaaaaaa!! Did a hurricane of sexuality just burst in here, or did Debbie Wasserstein just enter the buildinggggg!

Evan Grossman: Adam.

Adam Grossman: You look LOVELY, Debbie! And that — ugh! — perfume! Let me guess: FROWN, by Calvin Klein!

[ Su-Shin delivers a rimshot with his utensils ]

Adam Grossman: Rimshot! But don’t laugh too hard, Su-Shin — I’ve seen your WIFE! [ to the ladies ] Su-Shin’s wife is so UGLY, their towels say “His” and “Its“!

Evan Grossman: Adam!

Adam Grossman: WHAT?! Su-Shin LOVES it, look at his face!

[ Su-Shin is cracking up ]

Adam Grossman: Say! I am THIRSTY! Who does a kid have to give a BLOW POP to, to get a DRINK around here?!

[ Waiter walks up ]

Waiter: Uh, good evening. Welcome to Benihana.

Adam Grossman: How are you, my man? Real talk: When I was 3, I cried every time I saw a black fella! I wasn’t racist, I just didn’t know how to PROCESS things! But now I’m 6… [ he holds up his fingers and extra thumb ] and I’m hip to your plate! You are my BROTHER! [ in a Sammy Davis, Jr. voice ] “And I think this whole coo-coo thing you’re doing is fabulous!” Who knows who that was! It was Sammy Davis, Jr.! Anybody?! They don’t know! I don’t know! Who knows? I’m SIX!!

Waiter: Well, can I take your drink order?

Adam Grossman: Let’s do a round of sake bombs, my man! I’m JOKING! I’m SIX! [ he holds up his fingers and extra thumb ] But I do want to celebrate the fact that I swam the length of the pool without my floaties today! I just put my head down, remembered to breathe, and pretended Debbie was chasing me! [ Debbie frowns ] Here’s that million-dollar smi-illlle!

Evan Grossman: It is RUDE to talk about Debbie like that!

Adam Grossman: Alright! Alright! Then, let’s talk about what I found in your medicine cabinet: [ to the women ] VIAGRA! [ presumably, the woman frown from outside the camera angle ] Don’t look at me like that! I’m gonna snoop! I’m 6! [ finally reveal the women frowning ] I was just looking for a Flintstones Chewable to get me through a tough Wednesday, and I took a SCHWARTZ pill by accident! Let’s just say it made for an interesting day at Hebrew School. My DESK was a FOOT higher than everyone else’s! The torque kept sliding off of my lap! Everything was not kosher!

[ Su-Shin delivers a rimshot with his utensils ]

Adam Grossman: I’m SIX!! [ he holds up his fingers and extra thumb ] Su-Shin! Any chance, maybe I can eat before I’m SEVEN?!

Su-Shin: Pepper steak?

Adam Grossman: Thank you, Su-Shin, sweetheart!

Su-Shin: [ to Debbie ] Pepper steak?

Debbie Wasserstein: No, thank you.

Adam Grossman: Just because you put it in Debbie’s face doesn’t mean she’ll put it in her mouth! Dad knows!

Evan Grossman: [ outraged ] Adam!

Adam Grossman: Oh! All I’m saying is: I hope this bar has an elevator, ’cause that’s the only thing Debbie goes DOWN on! [ to the women ] If you think that joke is immature, it IS! So am I! I’m SIX!! [ he pushes his fingers and extra thumb towards the women ]

Evan Grossman: She makes me happy, Adam…

Adam Grossman: And that makes me happy! You’re my Dad! I love you more than anything! And, Debbie, she’s a mensch, and I love her, too!

Debbie Wasserstein: And I love you, Adam.

Adam Grossman: Your voice is so sexy, I can’t beleive my Dad has to take a pill! [ he rolls his eyes ] Well, I’ve had so many Shirley Temples… [ he cracks up ] I feel like she’s dancing on my bladder! Dad! Care to escort me to the bathroom?

Evan Grossman: You’re old enough to go on your own, Adam.

Adam Grossman: [ flabbergasted ] Do you not watch the NEWS?! There are strangers out there who want to grab my TOOKIS!

Evan Grossman: Okay, okay…

Adam Grossman: Besides, you’re my BEST FRIEND, and you can’t blame me for wanting to spend time with you! Hold my little boy hands!

[ Adam raises his arms, as Evan grabs his sons hands and exits with him to the bathroom ] [ fade ]

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