Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 37: Episode 18
April 7th, 2012
Road to the White HouseSummary: Campaigning around the country, Mitt Romney (Jason Sudeikis) appeases each group he speaks with, in a vain attempt to fit in with their cultural ideals.
Recurring Characters: Mitt Romney, Ann Romney.
Sofia Vergara’s MonologueSummary: Sofia Vergara talks about her roots in Columbia, introduces her son Manolo Gonzalez in the audience, and rolls words off her tongue that sound sexy with a Spanish accent.
Just Friends Booty ShortsSummary: Two guys (Jason Sudeikis, Andy Samberg) want to make it clear that they are just friends, not gay lovers, so they wear the booty shorts that will set everyone straight.
Bein’ Quirky with Zooey DeschanelSummary: From her kitchen, Zooey Deschanel (Abby Elliott) discusses quirky behavior with BFF Mary Drew Barrymore (Kristen Wiig), Michael Cera (Taran Killam), and Fran Drescher (Sofia Vergara).
Recurring Characters: Zooey Deschanel, Michael Cera, Drew Barrymore, Fran Drescher, Mayim Bialik, Joey Lawrence.
Almost PizzaSummary: Dad (Bill Hader) questions the mysterious new pizza facsimile that Mom (Kristen Wiig) is trying to convince him to eat.
News PromoSummary: During a news promo shoot, traffic reporter Hope Hines (Fred Armisen) just can’t seem to grasp the concept of turning to face the camera.
GillySummary: After disrupting Mrs. Roberts’ (Sofia Vergara) Sex Ed class, Gilly (Kristen Wiig) is told to imagine the consequences of her actions during her life’s final moments.
Recurring Characters: Gilly, Sam Jeffers, Liam, Paula.
One Direction performs “What Makes You Beautiful”
Weekend Update with Seth MeyersSummary: Drunk Uncle (Bobby Moynihan) is not looking forward to spending the Easter holiday with his family.
Recurring Characters: Drunk Uncle.
The Manuel Ortiz ShowSummary: Manuel Ortiz (Fred Armisen) and his guests dance their way through a segment in which a woman (Sofia Vergara) is reunited with her birth mother (Kristen Wiig), who is also seeing her husband (Bill Hader) behind her back.
Recurring Characters: Manuel Ortiz.
Lil PoundcakeSummary: The realistic doll that gives HPV vaccination shots to little girls.
Note: Repeat from 11b.
Watch What Happens: LiveSummary: Andy Cohen (Taran Killam).
Recurring Characters: Desmond Tutu.
One Direction performs “One Thing”
Pantene CommercialSummary: While taping a commercial for Pantene, Sofia Vergara is given the easy words to pronounce, while co-star Penelope Cruz (Kate McKinnon) is given the tougher, multi-syllabic words to stumble through.
74th Annual Hunger GamesSummary: While covering the Hunger Games, field reporter Maria Gutierrez (Sofia Vergara) loudly gives away the hiding places of the competitors.
Dress Rehearsal Cuts
Frozen PlanetSummary: Narrator (Sofia Vergara) documents the animals who live in the Arctic.
FloridaSummary: A pair of explorers (Fred Armisen, Andy Samberg) discover the state of Florida.
The HorseSummary: A cowboy (Jason Sudeikis) encounters difficulty in getting off his high horse.