SNL Transcripts: Sofia Vergara: 04/07/12: Just Friends Booty Shorts


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 37: Episode 18

11r: Sofia Vergara / One Direction

Just Friends Booty Shorts

Barista…..Vanessa Bayer
Guy #1…..Jason Sudeikis
Guy #2…..Andy Samberg
Clerk…..Nasim Pedrad
Gay Guy…..Taran Killam

[ open on two guys standing in line at coffee counter ]

Barista: Your Mint lattes. By the way — you guys are a really cute couple.

Guy #2: Uhhh…

Guy #1: Couple? No… [ he laughs ] No, no, no… uh… mmm-mmm.

[ cut to two guys at antique shop ]

Guy #1: Hey, check this out. It’s pretty cool. [ he opens a jewelry box ]

Clerk: It’s so nice to see couples antiquing.

Guy #1: [ exasperated ] We’re not a GAY couple!

Announcer: Tired of you and your straight friend being mistaken for a homosexual couple?

[ the two guys shake their heads ] [ cut to the two guys jogging down the street, playfully swatting at one another as they run ]

Announcer: Set the record STRAIGHT… with Just Friends Booty Shorts.

[ reveal rear shot of the two guys jogging, with “Just” and “Friends” printed across both of their shorts ]

Announcer: The tight-fitting blend of lycra and spandex will make sure the message gets out LOUD AND CLEAR!

[ cut to the two guys swinging one another around the street ]

“Do me a favor
Don’t love me so much.”

Announcer: For the look that SCREAMS: “We’re available, ladies.”

[ the two guys run piggyback down the street, showing off for a trio of passing ladies ]

“You keep going in and out now
Messing with my mind.”

[ cut to the two guys hoppig on the back of a motorcycle, as the Barista watches. The motorcycle struggles to pull away, making it look like Guy #1 is giving it to Guy #2 in the rear. ] [ cut to coffee shop, as Gay Guy approaches the two guys ]

Gay Guy: Well, hel-lo! [ he glances down and sees the “Just Friends” shorts ] Oh, my God! Oh, my God! I’m so sorry! I — [ he runs off, embarrassed ] [ the two guys tip their cups triumphantly ]

Announcer: Available in both small… and tight.

[ cut to Guy #1 playfully shoving an extra-long hot dog into Guy #2’s mouth ]

Announcer: And if you really want to get the point across… try one of our “Not Gay” tanktops.

[ cut to the two guys in a bar, with “Not” and “Gay” written across their tanktops ]

Guy #1: [ as his cell phone rings ] I gotta take this. [ he answers ] Hello!

[ Guy #1 walks away, leaving Guy #2 alone at the bar in his “Gay” tanktop, which immediately attracts a couple of bears ] [ cut to the two guys swinging one another around the street ]

Announcer: Just Friends Booty Shorts.

Guy #1: Because we’re TOTALLY straight! Well… usually!

Guy #2: [ laughing ] Oh, you!

[ they laugh and playfully punch one another ]

Guy #1: Come here, you!

[ Guy #1 pulls Guy #2 backwards and kisses him on the lips ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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