SNL Transcripts: Sofia Vergara: 04/07/12: Just Friends Booty Shorts

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 37: Episode 18

11r: Sofia Vergara / One Direction

Just Friends Booty Shorts

Barista…..Vanessa Bayer
Guy #1…..Jason Sudeikis
Guy #2…..Andy Samberg
Clerk…..Nasim Pedrad
Gay Guy…..Taran Killam

[ open on two guys standing in line at coffee counter ]

Barista: Your Mint lattes. By the way — you guys are a really cute couple.

Guy #2: Uhhh…

Guy #1: Couple? No… [ he laughs ] No, no, no… uh… mmm-mmm.

[ cut to two guys at antique shop ]

Guy #1: Hey, check this out. It’s pretty cool. [ he opens a jewelry box ]

Clerk: It’s so nice to see couples antiquing.

Guy #1: [ exasperated ] We’re not a GAY couple!

Announcer: Tired of you and your straight friend being mistaken for a homosexual couple?

[ the two guys shake their heads ] [ cut to the two guys jogging down the street, playfully swatting at one another as they run ]

Announcer: Set the record STRAIGHT… with Just Friends Booty Shorts.

[ reveal rear shot of the two guys jogging, with “Just” and “Friends” printed across both of their shorts ]

Announcer: The tight-fitting blend of lycra and spandex will make sure the message gets out LOUD AND CLEAR!

[ cut to the two guys swinging one another around the street ]

“Do me a favor
Don’t love me so much.”

Announcer: For the look that SCREAMS: “We’re available, ladies.”

[ the two guys run piggyback down the street, showing off for a trio of passing ladies ]

“You keep going in and out now
Messing with my mind.”

[ cut to the two guys hoppig on the back of a motorcycle, as the Barista watches. The motorcycle struggles to pull away, making it look like Guy #1 is giving it to Guy #2 in the rear. ] [ cut to coffee shop, as Gay Guy approaches the two guys ]

Gay Guy: Well, hel-lo! [ he glances down and sees the “Just Friends” shorts ] Oh, my God! Oh, my God! I’m so sorry! I — [ he runs off, embarrassed ] [ the two guys tip their cups triumphantly ]

Announcer: Available in both small… and tight.

[ cut to Guy #1 playfully shoving an extra-long hot dog into Guy #2’s mouth ]

Announcer: And if you really want to get the point across… try one of our “Not Gay” tanktops.

[ cut to the two guys in a bar, with “Not” and “Gay” written across their tanktops ]

Guy #1: [ as his cell phone rings ] I gotta take this. [ he answers ] Hello!

[ Guy #1 walks away, leaving Guy #2 alone at the bar in his “Gay” tanktop, which immediately attracts a couple of bears ] [ cut to the two guys swinging one another around the street ]

Announcer: Just Friends Booty Shorts.

Guy #1: Because we’re TOTALLY straight! Well… usually!

Guy #2: [ laughing ] Oh, you!

[ they laugh and playfully punch one another ]

Guy #1: Come here, you!

[ Guy #1 pulls Guy #2 backwards and kisses him on the lips ] [ fade ]

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