SNL Transcripts: Sofia Vergara: 04/07/12: 74th Annual Hunger Games

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 37: Episode 18

11r: Sofia Vergara / One Direction

74th Annual Hunger Games

Caesar Flickerman…..Bill Hader
Claudius Templesmith…..Fred Armisen
Maria Gutierrez…..Sofia Vergara
Thresh…..Jay Pharoah
Male Tribute…..Taran Killam
Female Tribute…..Nasim Pedrad
Peeta…..Andy Samberg
Katniss Everdeen…..Abby Elliott

[a golden seal reading “74th Annual Hunger Games” appears over a forest landscape]

Announcer: We now return to our coverage of the 74th Annual Hunger Games!

[Caesar Flickerman appears with blue hair, next to Claudius Templesmith with Beethoven hair and crazy eyebrows]

Caesar Flickerman: Welcome back to the 74th Hunger Games, this is Caesar Flickerman here with Claudius Templesmith–

Claudius Templesmith: Hiii.

Caesar Flickerman: Intense first day of competetion; already ten tributes have lost their young lives! [he grins wickedly]

Claudius Templesmith: Sad.

Caesar Flickerman: Now for a closer look at the carnage on the field, we turn to the newest member of our team, Miss Maria Gutierrez. Maria!

[cut to Maria with bright pink Effie Trinket hair and suit smiling in the forest]

Maria Gutierrez: Hi, you guys!

Caesar Flickerman: Maria, tell us what it’s like down there on the field.

Maria Gutierrez: It is a total blast! They should call it the Fun-ger Games, because everyone is having so much fun! [Thresh nervously leans into the shot wielding a knife]

Caesar Flickerman: Yeah. Maria, have you got to speak to any of the competitors?

Maria Gutierrez: Not yet, but I think that I see someone over there. [she sneaks over to a clump of bushes and smacks another male tribute on the shoulder; he startles, terrified] Hi! [she laughs] Ay, don’t be shy, come out from behind that bush. [she drags him in front of the camera] Let the people see you! So tell me, what’s been the most surprising thing about the Hunger Games?

Male Tribute: Well, that’s a good question. You know what’s been funny? I haven’t been that hungry–

[a female tribute leaps out of nowhere and attacks him with a knife]

Female Tribute: DIE!! [they fall to the ground]

Maria Gutierrez: Ay! Well, you know what that means! Wait for it! [she pauses excitedly and a cannon fires, signaling that a tribute has been killed] BOOM! HUNGER GAAAAAAMES! Back to you guys!

Caesar Flickerman: Thank you, Maria! Please keep us posted. As a reminder, the Hunger Games are brought to you by Tylenol. [a Tylenol logo appears] Got a spear in your head? Tylenol!

Maria Gutierrez: Hey, you guys! I found another one. Look what this crazy kid did! He’s pretending to be moss! [she crouches down next to Peeta, who has unconvincingly disguised himself in leaf-printed clothing and is lying on a rock] Oh, and it looks like he’s got a huge cut in his leg, it’s really bad! [she laughs and pokes his leg and the tribute groans in pain]

Peeta: It hurts! I don’t wanna die!

Maria Gutierrez: Well, you’re in luck, ’cause it looks like you got a gift from a sponsor! [a silver container floats down on a parachute and the tribute grabs it]

Peeta: Oh, God! Is it medicine for my leg?

Maria Gutierrez: Let’s see! [he opens it and she gasps excitedly and pulls out a sandwich packet] Even better! It’s Uncrustables! From the good people at Smucker’s, all the fun of peanut butter and jelly without the crust! [looks back at the tribute, who has stopped moving] Ay, he died. [she cackles and stands up, shimmying her chest] HUNGER GAAAAAMES! YAAAAY! [the cannon fires]

Caesar Flickerman: Thank you, Maria. That’s twelve tributes now brutally killed in just a few hours! [he grins]

Maria Gutierrez: You guys! Look at this! [cut back to Maria standing beside Katniss with a bow and arrow and a brown plait] It’s the woman of the hour — Katniss! Katniss, I love when you came out of that chariot, you were surrounded by the flames, but then you ruffled the dress and also flames!

Katniss Everdeen: [looking around anxiously and whispering] You need to shut your mouth!

Maria Gutierrez: [happily] Ay, Katniss, does Peeta know that you have a boyfriend back home? Ooooh…

Katniss Everdeen: Here, these berries are good, try these. [she puts poisonous berries into Maria’s hand and walks away]

Maria Gutierrez: She’s so sweet, she gave me berries! [she eats a handful] Very sour, but they’re good! [eats a few more] OK, I’m dying now. But I’m still hungry. [eats the rest] Hungry…for more HUNGER GAAAAAAAMES!

Caesar Flickerman: Thank you, Maria! Coming up next, stay tuned for the Hunger Games Puppy Bowl! [a graphic appears of two puppies attacking each other with knives] Once more, we’re here at the Hunger Games!

Announcer: We’ll be right back with more Hunger Games!

Submitted by: Rose Esposito

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