SNL Transcripts: Sofia Vergara: 04/07/12: 74th Annual Hunger Games


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 37: Episode 18

11r: Sofia Vergara / One Direction

74th Annual Hunger Games

Caesar Flickerman…..Bill Hader
Claudius Templesmith…..Fred Armisen
Maria Gutierrez…..Sofia Vergara
Thresh…..Jay Pharoah
Male Tribute…..Taran Killam
Female Tribute…..Nasim Pedrad
Peeta…..Andy Samberg
Katniss Everdeen…..Abby Elliott

[a golden seal reading “74th Annual Hunger Games” appears over a forest landscape]

Announcer: We now return to our coverage of the 74th Annual Hunger Games!

[Caesar Flickerman appears with blue hair, next to Claudius Templesmith with Beethoven hair and crazy eyebrows]

Caesar Flickerman: Welcome back to the 74th Hunger Games, this is Caesar Flickerman here with Claudius Templesmith–

Claudius Templesmith: Hiii.

Caesar Flickerman: Intense first day of competetion; already ten tributes have lost their young lives! [he grins wickedly]

Claudius Templesmith: Sad.

Caesar Flickerman: Now for a closer look at the carnage on the field, we turn to the newest member of our team, Miss Maria Gutierrez. Maria!

[cut to Maria with bright pink Effie Trinket hair and suit smiling in the forest]

Maria Gutierrez: Hi, you guys!

Caesar Flickerman: Maria, tell us what it’s like down there on the field.

Maria Gutierrez: It is a total blast! They should call it the Fun-ger Games, because everyone is having so much fun! [Thresh nervously leans into the shot wielding a knife]

Caesar Flickerman: Yeah. Maria, have you got to speak to any of the competitors?

Maria Gutierrez: Not yet, but I think that I see someone over there. [she sneaks over to a clump of bushes and smacks another male tribute on the shoulder; he startles, terrified] Hi! [she laughs] Ay, don’t be shy, come out from behind that bush. [she drags him in front of the camera] Let the people see you! So tell me, what’s been the most surprising thing about the Hunger Games?

Male Tribute: Well, that’s a good question. You know what’s been funny? I haven’t been that hungry–

[a female tribute leaps out of nowhere and attacks him with a knife]

Female Tribute: DIE!! [they fall to the ground]

Maria Gutierrez: Ay! Well, you know what that means! Wait for it! [she pauses excitedly and a cannon fires, signaling that a tribute has been killed] BOOM! HUNGER GAAAAAAMES! Back to you guys!

Caesar Flickerman: Thank you, Maria! Please keep us posted. As a reminder, the Hunger Games are brought to you by Tylenol. [a Tylenol logo appears] Got a spear in your head? Tylenol!

Maria Gutierrez: Hey, you guys! I found another one. Look what this crazy kid did! He’s pretending to be moss! [she crouches down next to Peeta, who has unconvincingly disguised himself in leaf-printed clothing and is lying on a rock] Oh, and it looks like he’s got a huge cut in his leg, it’s really bad! [she laughs and pokes his leg and the tribute groans in pain]

Peeta: It hurts! I don’t wanna die!

Maria Gutierrez: Well, you’re in luck, ’cause it looks like you got a gift from a sponsor! [a silver container floats down on a parachute and the tribute grabs it]

Peeta: Oh, God! Is it medicine for my leg?

Maria Gutierrez: Let’s see! [he opens it and she gasps excitedly and pulls out a sandwich packet] Even better! It’s Uncrustables! From the good people at Smucker’s, all the fun of peanut butter and jelly without the crust! [looks back at the tribute, who has stopped moving] Ay, he died. [she cackles and stands up, shimmying her chest] HUNGER GAAAAAMES! YAAAAY! [the cannon fires]

Caesar Flickerman: Thank you, Maria. That’s twelve tributes now brutally killed in just a few hours! [he grins]

Maria Gutierrez: You guys! Look at this! [cut back to Maria standing beside Katniss with a bow and arrow and a brown plait] It’s the woman of the hour — Katniss! Katniss, I love when you came out of that chariot, you were surrounded by the flames, but then you ruffled the dress and also flames!

Katniss Everdeen: [looking around anxiously and whispering] You need to shut your mouth!

Maria Gutierrez: [happily] Ay, Katniss, does Peeta know that you have a boyfriend back home? Ooooh…

Katniss Everdeen: Here, these berries are good, try these. [she puts poisonous berries into Maria’s hand and walks away]

Maria Gutierrez: She’s so sweet, she gave me berries! [she eats a handful] Very sour, but they’re good! [eats a few more] OK, I’m dying now. But I’m still hungry. [eats the rest] Hungry…for more HUNGER GAAAAAAAMES!

Caesar Flickerman: Thank you, Maria! Coming up next, stay tuned for the Hunger Games Puppy Bowl! [a graphic appears of two puppies attacking each other with knives] Once more, we’re here at the Hunger Games!

Announcer: We’ll be right back with more Hunger Games!

Submitted by: Rose Esposito

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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