SNL Transcripts: Sofia Vergara: 04/07/12: Sofia Vergara’s Monologue

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 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 18








11r: Sofia Vergara / One Direction

Sofia Vergara’s Monologue

…..Sofia Vergara
…..Manolo Gonzalez

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Sofia Vergara!

Sofia Vergara: Thank you! Thank you very much! Hello, everyone! It is so wonderful to be here tonight hosting “La Noche de Sabado Vivo”! I have to thank ALL of you, because this is such a HUGE moment for me in my life. I never dreamed that I would be here in New York City. I came here all the way from a small town in Columbia called Barranquilla. Barranquilla is a Spanish word that means “Cleveland”.

I always heard that immigrants had a really hard life when they came to America. But when I showed up here, everyone was so nice. The men bought me drinks and offered me a place to sleep. This country welcomed me with open arms and pulled-down pants! And, also, I am so lucky to be part of the AMAZING cast of “Modern Family”. Growing up in Columbia, it was every girl’s dream to one day grow up… and marry Al Bundy.

I am also so proud to have my son Manolo with me here tonight. [ reveal her son in the audience ] Hi, Manolo!

Manolo Gonzalez: Hi, Mom! [ he waves ]

Sofia Vergara: I know what you’re all thinking. How can she have a son who’s that old? But he’s only five. South Americans develop very quickly. But then, they stay the same age FOREVER! Just look at my grandparents over there!

[ reveal young couple sitting next to her son ]

Sofia Vergara: Hola, Abuela!

And, finally… you may have noticed that I have a bit of an accent sometimes. I love it! This accent can make anything… sound sexy. Listen: [ sexily ] “Gon-a-rrrrrrhea!” [ she smiles ] “Reek San-torrrrrrum.” “New Jerrrrrr-sey.” “Mmm-hmmmmm… New Jerrrrrr-sey!” So, tonight, please forgive me if you cannot understand what I say. And I will forgive you for staring at my CHEST the whole night!

We have a great show for tonight! One Direction… is here! So stick around, and we’ll be right back!

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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