Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 37: Episode 18
Penelope Cruz…..Kate McKinnon
[ open on exterior, Stage 18 ] [ dissolve to interior set ]
Director: Oh, thank you so much for doing this, Sofia. Pantene is so happy to have you for this commercial.
Sofia Vergara: Of course, Jerry. I love Pantene and ALL of the shampoos!
Director: Oh! And, uh, here comes your co-star. This is Miss Penelope Cruz.
Penelope Cruz: Hello! Hello! Thank you for having me! I’m… [ mumbled ] Penelly Cruz. I’m ready to film the commercial, okay? Okay! And… action!
Director: [ laughing ] No, wait, wait, hold on, Penelope. Not quite yet. Uh, but I’m glad you’re here and I’m glad you’re excited. Sofia, you know Penelope, right?
Sofia Vergara: Yes, of course! Penelope, I LOVE you! I’m a big fan! BIG FAN!
Penelope Cruz: You’re a fan of me, Penelope? I’m a fan of you, Sofia! Hello!
Director: Uh… okay. Alright, ladies, here’s what I’m gonna need you to do. You’re just going to have to sit on the couch, all you have to do is look as beautiful as you… both are. And hold these… these are the shampoos right there. [ he hands them each a bottle ] Now, you’re just gonna read your lines right of that teleprompter over there. [ he points ] Okay? It should be nice and easy. Alright? Here we go.[ Marker steps forward ]
Marker: Pantene Shampoo, Take One!
Director: And… ACTION!![ the lights turn red, as soft piano music plays and their hair is blown upon ]
Sofia Vergara: We love… Pantene Shampoo.
Penelope Cruz: [ mumbles ] It’sh all natch-a-wow.
Sofia Vergara: So it’s got everything… our hair needs. Like… Aloe. [ SUPER: “Aloe” ]
Penelope Cruz: But without the things she doesn’t need, like… [ mumbled ] “Ammonium Laureth Sulphate.” [ SUPER: “Ammonium Laureth Sulphate” ] Alkyl Benzene Sulfonate. [ SUPER: “Alkyl Benzene Sulfonate” ] Selenium Sulfide. [ SUPER: “Selenium Sulfide” ] And… Tea… Duh-join-dee-dee [ SUPER: “Tea-Dodecylbenzene” ]
Sofia Vergara: And we like that!
Director: And… CUT!! Okay, great! Alright. Sofia — great job! Great job!
Sofia Vergara: Thank you, Jerry!
Director: Uh — Penelope?
Penelope Cruz: [ quickly ] Yes! I was also great! [ she smiles ]
Director: Uh… okay. Uh — actually, I was gonna say you’re kind of hard to understand.
Penelope Cruz: Okay. But it seemed that… maybe my words were harder. Just my words.
Director: I… don’t know…
Sofia Vergara: No! My words were hard, too. I had to say “Pantene”, and then I had to say “Hair”.
Director: Exactly. So, uh — okay, you know what? Let’s try starting with, maybe, an easier script, and then we’ll come back to this one later, okay?
Penelope Cruz: Okay.
Director: Uh, do we already have the new version on the teleprompter? [ he glances off-screen ] Yes, we do. Great! Here we go.[ Marker steps forward ]
Marker: Pantene Shampoo, Take Two!
Director: And… ACTION, ladies!!
Sofia Vergara: My hair… is pretty. [ SUPER: “Pretty” ]
Penelope Cruz: And allow me to explain why. Pantene rejuvanates hair in all three stages of [ mumbling ] Fa-lip-it-ar de-vel-ip-ment… [ SUPER: “Follicular Development” ] The On-again Phase… [ SUPER: “Anagen” ] The Ca-ba-den Phase… [ SUPER: “Catagen” ] And the Tiv-i-den Phase. [ SUPER: “Telogen” ]
Sofia Vergara: It’s like magic. [ SUPER: “Magic” ]
Penelope Cruz: But it’s not magic. It’s complicated science. [ SUPER: “Science” ] Pantene revigorates the superficial [ mumbling ] Art-ear-ial special … [ SUPER: “Ateriovenous Plexus” ] by rejuvanating the [ mumbling ] Special… special”… [ SUPER: “Sebaceous Gland” ]
Sofia Vergara: And we like that. Yayyyyyy! [ SUPER: “Yay!” ]
Director: Alright! Cut! Cut! Let’s cut there. Alright. Ladies… ladies… great! I mean, EXCELLENT couch work, okay? And, Sofia — once again, amazing job!
Sofia Vergara: Thank you! I give myself… an A+!
Director: [ laughing ] Alright. Great. Penelope?
Penelope Cruz: I know, I know… but, Jerry — am I bananas, or were my lines, once again, way more complicated than Sofia’s?
Sofia Vergara: Really? But I had to say the word “Yayyyyy!”
Director: Yeah. Yay. You know what, how about we make this a little easier? We’ll just put some basic hair-related words on the teleprompter over there, and, uh, then you can just take turns reading them, okay?
Penelope Cruz: So we just say ONE easy word at a time?
Director: Yeah, exactly.
Penelope Cruz: Okay![ Marker steps forward ]
Marker: Pantene Shampoo, Take Three!
Director: And… ACTION, ladies!![ the lights turn red, as soft piano music plays and their hair is blown upon ]
Sofia Vergara: [ SUPER: “Lush” ] Lush!
Penelope Cruz: [ SUPER: “Filamentous Biomaterial” ] Feel-o-mentos Bio-menthen.
Sofia Vergara: [ SUPER: “Glossy” ] Glossy!
Penelope Cruz: [ SUPER: “Pheomelanin” ] Fay-o-men-a-mean.
Sofia Vergara: [ SUPER: “Nice” ] Nice!
Penelope Cruz: [ SUPER: “Phytomorphogenesis” ] Base-dee-dee-ded-o-bo…
Director: No! No, no, no, no, no! No, no, Penelope, it’s Phy-to-morph-o-gen-e-sis.
Penelope Cruz: Ray-fridger-ator!
Director: No! No, sweetie, listen to me. It’s not “Refrigerator”, okay? Say it with me: “Phyto.”
Penelope Cruz: Fido.
Director: Good. “Morpho.”
Penelope Cruz: Mor-fo!
Penelope Cruz: Jeff Bridges!
Director: No… no… no…
Sofia Vergara: Jerry, let me help her. I know the word.
Director: Go ahead.
Sofia Vergara: Penelope. Listen… and I will help. Ray-fridge-orrrrr-atorrrrrr!
Director: Nope! No, Sofia, that’s wrong!
Penelope Cruz: “Lush”? It’s “Lush”?
Director: No! Okay, you know what? That’s fine. Okay. You know, I think I have a plan to make this work.[ cut to the finished commercial, starting with the products in front of a water background, then dissolve to Sofia Vergara and Penelop Cruz on the couch ]
Sofia Vergara: Hair! Pretty![ as Penelope Cruz opens her mouth, an Announcer’s words spill out ]
Announcer: For more information about our product, visit www.pantene.com.
Sofia and Penelope: Yayyyyyy!![ fade ]