SNL Transcripts: Sofia Vergara: 04/07/12: Almost Pizza


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 37: Episode 18

11r: Sofia Vergara / One Direction

Almost Pizza

Dad…..Bill Hader
Mom…..Kristen Wiig
Daughter…..Nasim Pedrad

[ open on suburban kitchen, Mom standing over a hot pizza as Dad enters ]

Dad: Mmm, pizza! I didn’t hear the delivery guy pull up.

Mom: That’s because it’s not delivery.

Dad: Really.

Mom: And it’s not exactly pizza, either. [ she holds up box ] It’s Almost Pizza!

Dad: [ amused ] Come on! That’s pizza!

Mom: No. It’s very nearly pizza, but not quite. It’s Almost Pizza. See? [ she holds up the box again ] Come on, let’s eat!

Dad: So, it’s, uh… tofu pizza, something like that?

Mom: No. You could put tofu on a pizza, and still legally call it pizza. But don’t call this pizza. It’s Almost Pizza. Pizza that’s practically pizza in every way, except for a few key ones. Come on! Dig in!

Dad: But it’s food, though. Right?

Mom: Come on!!

[ Daughter enters kitchen ]

Daughter: Oooooh, pizza! Nice one, Mom!

Dad: Hang on here! What exactly is this, Carol?

Daughter: It looks like pizza!

Mom: It’s meant to!

Dad: But it’s NOT! If it was pizza, it would just say “PIZZA”!

Mom: Look — I’ll eat some!

[ she lifts a slice of Almost Pizza to her mouth, but turns it away and pretends to eat it ]

Daughter: It sure smells like pizza!

Mom: That was their intention!

Dad: WHOSE?!

Mom: Just try it, Tom, it’s getting cold!

Dad: NO!! If anything, it’s getting HOTTER!! WHAT IS THIS, CAROL?!!

Mom: Just eat some!

Dad: HELL… NO!!

Daughter: I’ll eat it!

Dad: NO!!

[ he swats the pizza out of his Daughter’s hands, sending it crashing to the floor and shattering like glass ]


Mom: I said it was pizza!

[ suddenly, the shattered pizza pulls itself together and reforms into its original slice, then scurries underneath the refridgerator ]

Announcer: If it’s almost dinner, then it’s almost time for Almost Pizza! The thing that’s much like pizza, roughly speaking. From Pfizer.

[ Dad furiously tries to stomp on the pizza and kill it ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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