SNL Transcripts: Sofia Vergara: 04/07/12: Almost Pizza



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 18












11r: Sofia Vergara / One Direction

Almost Pizza

Dad…..Bill Hader
Mom…..Kristen Wiig
Daughter…..Nasim Pedrad

[ open on suburban kitchen, Mom standing over a hot pizza as Dad enters ]

Dad: Mmm, pizza! I didn’t hear the delivery guy pull up.

Mom: That’s because it’s not delivery.

Dad: Really.

Mom: And it’s not exactly pizza, either. [ she holds up box ] It’s Almost Pizza!

Dad: [ amused ] Come on! That’s pizza!

Mom: No. It’s very nearly pizza, but not quite. It’s Almost Pizza. See? [ she holds up the box again ] Come on, let’s eat!

Dad: So, it’s, uh… tofu pizza, something like that?

Mom: No. You could put tofu on a pizza, and still legally call it pizza. But don’t call this pizza. It’s Almost Pizza. Pizza that’s practically pizza in every way, except for a few key ones. Come on! Dig in!

Dad: But it’s food, though. Right?

Mom: Come on!!

[ Daughter enters kitchen ]

Daughter: Oooooh, pizza! Nice one, Mom!

Dad: Hang on here! What exactly is this, Carol?

Daughter: It looks like pizza!

Mom: It’s meant to!

Dad: But it’s NOT! If it was pizza, it would just say “PIZZA”!

Mom: Look — I’ll eat some!

[ she lifts a slice of Almost Pizza to her mouth, but turns it away and pretends to eat it ]

Daughter: It sure smells like pizza!

Mom: That was their intention!

Dad: WHOSE?!

Mom: Just try it, Tom, it’s getting cold!

Dad: NO!! If anything, it’s getting HOTTER!! WHAT IS THIS, CAROL?!!

Mom: Just eat some!

Dad: HELL… NO!!

Daughter: I’ll eat it!

Dad: NO!!

[ he swats the pizza out of his Daughter’s hands, sending it crashing to the floor and shattering like glass ]

Dad: WHAT THE FUCK?!!

Mom: I said it was pizza!

[ suddenly, the shattered pizza pulls itself together and reforms into its original slice, then scurries underneath the refridgerator ]

Announcer: If it’s almost dinner, then it’s almost time for Almost Pizza! The thing that’s much like pizza, roughly speaking. From Pfizer.

[ Dad furiously tries to stomp on the pizza and kill it ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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