Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 37: Episode 18
11r: Sofia Vergara / One Direction
Almost Pizza
Dad…..Bill Hader
Mom…..Kristen Wiig
Daughter…..Nasim Pedrad
[ open on suburban kitchen, Mom standing over a hot pizza as Dad enters ]
Dad: Mmm, pizza! I didn’t hear the delivery guy pull up.
Mom: That’s because it’s not delivery.
Dad: Really.
Mom: And it’s not exactly pizza, either. [ she holds up box ] It’s Almost Pizza!
Dad: [ amused ] Come on! That’s pizza!
Mom: No. It’s very nearly pizza, but not quite. It’s Almost Pizza. See? [ she holds up the box again ] Come on, let’s eat!
Dad: So, it’s, uh… tofu pizza, something like that?
Mom: No. You could put tofu on a pizza, and still legally call it pizza. But don’t call this pizza. It’s Almost Pizza. Pizza that’s practically pizza in every way, except for a few key ones. Come on! Dig in!
Dad: But it’s food, though. Right?
Mom: Come on!!
[ Daughter enters kitchen ]
Daughter: Oooooh, pizza! Nice one, Mom!
Dad: Hang on here! What exactly is this, Carol?
Daughter: It looks like pizza!
Mom: It’s meant to!
Dad: But it’s NOT! If it was pizza, it would just say “PIZZA”!
Mom: Look — I’ll eat some!
[ she lifts a slice of Almost Pizza to her mouth, but turns it away and pretends to eat it ]
Daughter: It sure smells like pizza!
Mom: That was their intention!
Dad: WHOSE?!
Mom: Just try it, Tom, it’s getting cold!
Dad: NO!! If anything, it’s getting HOTTER!! WHAT IS THIS, CAROL?!!
Mom: Just eat some!
Dad: HELL… NO!!
Daughter: I’ll eat it!
Dad: NO!!
[ he swats the pizza out of his Daughter’s hands, sending it crashing to the floor and shattering like glass ]
Dad: WHAT THE FUCK?!!
Mom: I said it was pizza!
[ suddenly, the shattered pizza pulls itself together and reforms into its original slice, then scurries underneath the refridgerator ]
Announcer: If it’s almost dinner, then it’s almost time for Almost Pizza! The thing that’s much like pizza, roughly speaking. From Pfizer.
[ Dad furiously tries to stomp on the pizza and kill it ]
[ fade ]
