Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 37: Episode 19
Bar
Mitt Romney…..Jason Sudeikis
Rick Santorum…..Andy Samberg
Barmaid…..Nasim Pedrad
Rick Perry…..Bill Hader
Michele Bachmann…..Kristen Wiig
Herman Cain…..Kenan Thompson
Newt Gingrich…..Bobby Moynihan
[ open on exterior of bar ]
[ dissolve to interior, bar counter, where Mitt Romney sits with Rick Santorum ]
Rick Santorum: It’s good to see you, Mitt.
Mitt Romney: Hey, thanks for meeting me here. Now that you’re out of the race, I just wanted to tell you in person that you ran a great campaign.
Rick Santorum: Oh, thanks, Mitt. And congratulations on the nomiation. It was hard-fought.
[ Romney chuckles, as the barmaid steps forward ]
Barmaid: What can I get you two?
Rick Santorum: Well, we’re celebrating for my friend, so I’ll have a chocolate milk.
Mitt Romney: Mmm! And I’ll have a napkin. [ the Barmaid steps away ] That was certainly a Primary season to remember, huh?
Rick Santorum: It sure was. There was even a time when people were saying I was the frontrunner. [ Romney chuckles ] Gotta thank you for that, Mitt.
Mitt Romney: Mmm-hmm.
Rick Santorum: The only candidate that can ever make me look exciting.
Mitt Romney: And you’re the only candidate who can make me look gay-friendly!
Rick Santorum: Ah! You’re just saying that! I’m gonna miss you, Mitt.
[ they begin to sing Green Day’s “Good Riddance (Time of Your Life)” ]
Mitt Romney: [ singing ]
“Another turning point,
a fork stuck in the road.”
Rick Santorum: [ singing ]
“Times grabs you by the wrist,
directs you where to go.”
Together: [ singing ]
“So make the best of this test and don’t ask why!
It’s not a question ,but a lesson learned in time.
It was always unpredictable, but in the end what’s right
This campaign was the time of my life!”
[ the Barmaid returns with their orders ]
Barmaid: There you go.
Mitt Romney: Great! Thank you. [ he takes out an envelope ] And I’ve placed your tip in this envelope. Make sure you give it to your husband when you get home — he’ll know best what to do with it.
[ the Barmaid steps away ]
Rick Santorum: And don’t spend it on birth control!
Mitt Romney: Yeah! Cheers!
[ they tip their glasses, as Rick Perry enters ]
Rick Perry: Hey, I hope y’all aren’t reminiscing without me!
Rick Santorum: What’s up!
Mitt Romney: Rick Perry! Rick!
Rick Santorum: You ran a great campaign, Governor Perry.
Rick Perry: There was even a time when I was the frontrunner. Yeah, I might have won the darned thing if I didn’t take a deuce every time I opened my mouth.
Mitt Romney: Mmm!
Rick Santorum: Still, I’m sure you learned a lot from the campaign.
Rick Perry: Hey, you guys remember that weird game show we were on, standing in front of podiums, answering questions?
Mitt Romney: Rick, that wasn’t a game show. Those were debates.
Rick Perry: “Debates”? If you ask me, they were “de-worst”!
Mitt Romney & Rick Santorum: [ singing ]
“You were always unpredictable!”
Rick Perry: [ singing ]
“Really not that bright.”
All: [ singing ]
“This campaign was the time of my life!”
[ Michele Bachmann enters ]
Michele Bachmann: Well, well, well!
Mitt Romney: Hey, it’s Michele Bachmann! Alright! Hey, are you crashing boys night?
Michele Bachmann: Oh, I’ve crashed a lot of boys nights — usually when I come home early and unannounced.
Mitt Romney: Mmm.
Rick Santorum: Great campaign, Michele!
Mitt Romney: Yeah, you had me worried there for a minute.
Michele Bachmann: Yeah, I mean, there was even a moment when I was the frontrunner… and then it all fell apart when Newsweek made a very creepy cover photo of my face.
Mitt Romney: Oh, that’s right! Hey! Come on, Michele — show us the Newsweek face!
Michele Bachmann: Oh, I couldn’t…
Mitt Romney: No! Come on!
All: News-week face! News-week face!
Michele Bachmann: Alright… fine, fine… [ she makes the face ]
All: Yayyyyyyy!!!
[ singing ]
“You were just like Sarah Palin.”
Michele Bachmann: [ singing ]
“Further to the right.”
All: [ singing ]
“This campaign was the time of my life!”
Michele Bachmann: Does this bar serve food? I am STARVING!
Mitt Romney: Mmm?
[ Herman Cain enters ]
Herman Cain: Hey! Well, we can always order a PIZZA!
All: HERRRRRRMMMM!!!
Mitt Romney: Herman, let me just say that you ran a GREAT campaign! I mean, you really gave me a run for my money!
Herman Cain: Well, I did alright. Why, there was even a moment there when I was the frontrunner. But, you know… this country just isn’t ready for an African-American president. I mean, especially if he wears a cowboy hat, runs a pizza chain, and sexually harasses every woman he meets.
Michele Bachmann: You never harassed me.
Herman Cain: [ nodding ] Uh-huh.
Mitt Romney: Still — you have to admit your campaign was a wild ride!
Herman Cain: [ he laughs ] Yeah! In the beginning, I was all: “I can fix this economy with 9-9-9.” And by the end I had 999 problems, and the BITCH was ALL of them!
Mitt Romney: I love it! It’s a RAPSTER reference! Alright! Well, Herman… Herman, let me know if there’s anything I can do for you.
Herman Cain: How about giving me a spot on your cabinet?
Mitt Romney: Well, that depends, Herman — how bad do you want the job?
Herman Cain: Hey, that’s MY line!
[ Romney laughs ]
Herman Cain: [ singing ]
“The choice is unpredictable, but in the end he’s white.”
All: [ singing ]
“This campaign was the time of my life!”
Michele Bachmann: Oh no, guys… Gingrich is here.
Mitt Romney: Uh-oh!
[ they all cover their faces as Newt Gingrich breezes past ]
Rick Santorum: I can’t believe he’s still in the race.
Mitt Romney: Mmm-hmm.
Rick Santorum: I heard his campaign is completely out of money.
Mitt Romney: Mmm-hmm.
Herman Cain: Oh, man! Look! He’s stealing nuts!
[ reveal Gingrich scooping complimentary peanuts into his shirt pocket ]
Mitt Romney: Awwww, nut-stealer! Hey, uh, can I admit something to you guys?
Rick Santorum: Well, sure. You’re among friends.
Mitt Romney: RomneyCare is just ObamaCare.
Rick Santorum: D’oh!
Mitt Romney: There you go!
Rick Santorum: I KNEW it!! [ Romney chuckles heartily ] I can’t believe none of us could beat you.
Mitt Romney: And I can’t believe it took so long to win! Hey, one more time!
[ singing ]
“Another turning point, a fork stuck in the road.”
Michele Bachmann: [ warbling ]
“Time grabs you by the reins, directs you where to go.”
Rick Santorum & Herman Cain: [ singing ]
“So make the best of this, and don’t ask why!”
Rick Perry: [ singing ]
“It’s not affected, but it…”
[ he throws his hands up and admits he doesn’t know the lyrics ]
All: [ singing ]
“It’s always unpredictable, but in the end was right
This campaign was the time of my life!
This campaign was the time of my liiiiife!”
Mitt Romney: Come on, gang! Say it with me here, huh?
[ everyone crowss around Romney ]
All: “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Niiiiiiighttttt!!!”
