SNL Transcripts: Josh Brolin: 04/14/12: Bar



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 19
















11s: Josh Brolin / Gotye

Bar

Mitt Romney…..Jason Sudeikis
Rick Santorum…..Andy Samberg
Barmaid…..Nasim Pedrad
Rick Perry…..Bill Hader
Michele Bachmann…..Kristen Wiig
Herman Cain…..Kenan Thompson
Newt Gingrich…..Bobby Moynihan

[ open on exterior of bar ] [ dissolve to interior, bar counter, where Mitt Romney sits with Rick Santorum ]

Rick Santorum: It’s good to see you, Mitt.

Mitt Romney: Hey, thanks for meeting me here. Now that you’re out of the race, I just wanted to tell you in person that you ran a great campaign.

Rick Santorum: Oh, thanks, Mitt. And congratulations on the nomiation. It was hard-fought.

[ Romney chuckles, as the barmaid steps forward ]

Barmaid: What can I get you two?

Rick Santorum: Well, we’re celebrating for my friend, so I’ll have a chocolate milk.

Mitt Romney: Mmm! And I’ll have a napkin. [ the Barmaid steps away ] That was certainly a Primary season to remember, huh?

Rick Santorum: It sure was. There was even a time when people were saying I was the frontrunner. [ Romney chuckles ] Gotta thank you for that, Mitt.

Mitt Romney: Mmm-hmm.

Rick Santorum: The only candidate that can ever make me look exciting.

Mitt Romney: And you’re the only candidate who can make me look gay-friendly!

Rick Santorum: Ah! You’re just saying that! I’m gonna miss you, Mitt.

[ they begin to sing Green Day’s “Good Riddance (Time of Your Life)” ]

Mitt Romney: [ singing ]“Another turning point,
a fork stuck in the road.”

Rick Santorum: [ singing ]“Times grabs you by the wrist,
directs you where to go.”

Together: [ singing ]“So make the best of this test and don’t ask why!
It’s not a question ,but a lesson learned in time.
It was always unpredictable, but in the end what’s right
This campaign was the time of my life!”

[ the Barmaid returns with their orders ]

Barmaid: There you go.

Mitt Romney: Great! Thank you. [ he takes out an envelope ] And I’ve placed your tip in this envelope. Make sure you give it to your husband when you get home — he’ll know best what to do with it.

[ the Barmaid steps away ]

Rick Santorum: And don’t spend it on birth control!

Mitt Romney: Yeah! Cheers!

[ they tip their glasses, as Rick Perry enters ]

Rick Perry: Hey, I hope y’all aren’t reminiscing without me!

Rick Santorum: What’s up!

Mitt Romney: Rick Perry! Rick!

Rick Santorum: You ran a great campaign, Governor Perry.

Rick Perry: There was even a time when I was the frontrunner. Yeah, I might have won the darned thing if I didn’t take a deuce every time I opened my mouth.

Mitt Romney: Mmm!

Rick Santorum: Still, I’m sure you learned a lot from the campaign.

Rick Perry: Hey, you guys remember that weird game show we were on, standing in front of podiums, answering questions?

Mitt Romney: Rick, that wasn’t a game show. Those were debates.

Rick Perry: “Debates”? If you ask me, they were “de-worst”!

Mitt Romney & Rick Santorum: [ singing ]“You were always unpredictable!”

Rick Perry: [ singing ]“Really not that bright.”

All: [ singing ]“This campaign was the time of my life!”

[ Michele Bachmann enters ]

Michele Bachmann: Well, well, well!

Mitt Romney: Hey, it’s Michele Bachmann! Alright! Hey, are you crashing boys night?

Michele Bachmann: Oh, I’ve crashed a lot of boys nights — usually when I come home early and unannounced.

Mitt Romney: Mmm.

Rick Santorum: Great campaign, Michele!

Mitt Romney: Yeah, you had me worried there for a minute.

Michele Bachmann: Yeah, I mean, there was even a moment when I was the frontrunner… and then it all fell apart when Newsweek made a very creepy cover photo of my face.

Mitt Romney: Oh, that’s right! Hey! Come on, Michele — show us the Newsweek face!

Michele Bachmann: Oh, I couldn’t…

Mitt Romney: No! Come on!

All: News-week face! News-week face!

Michele Bachmann: Alright… fine, fine… [ she makes the face ]

All: Yayyyyyyy!!!

[ singing ]“You were just like Sarah Palin.”

Michele Bachmann: [ singing ]“Further to the right.”

All: [ singing ]“This campaign was the time of my life!”

Michele Bachmann: Does this bar serve food? I am STARVING!

Mitt Romney: Mmm?

[ Herman Cain enters ]

Herman Cain: Hey! Well, we can always order a PIZZA!

All: HERRRRRRMMMM!!!

Mitt Romney: Herman, let me just say that you ran a GREAT campaign! I mean, you really gave me a run for my money!

Herman Cain: Well, I did alright. Why, there was even a moment there when I was the frontrunner. But, you know… this country just isn’t ready for an African-American president. I mean, especially if he wears a cowboy hat, runs a pizza chain, and sexually harasses every woman he meets.

Michele Bachmann: You never harassed me.

Herman Cain: [ nodding ] Uh-huh.

Mitt Romney: Still — you have to admit your campaign was a wild ride!

Herman Cain: [ he laughs ] Yeah! In the beginning, I was all: “I can fix this economy with 9-9-9.” And by the end I had 999 problems, and the BITCH was ALL of them!

Mitt Romney: I love it! It’s a RAPSTER reference! Alright! Well, Herman… Herman, let me know if there’s anything I can do for you.

Herman Cain: How about giving me a spot on your cabinet?

Mitt Romney: Well, that depends, Herman — how bad do you want the job?

Herman Cain: Hey, that’s MY line!

[ Romney laughs ]

Herman Cain: [ singing ]“The choice is unpredictable, but in the end he’s white.”

All: [ singing ]“This campaign was the time of my life!”

Michele Bachmann: Oh no, guys… Gingrich is here.

Mitt Romney: Uh-oh!

[ they all cover their faces as Newt Gingrich breezes past ]

Rick Santorum: I can’t believe he’s still in the race.

Mitt Romney: Mmm-hmm.

Rick Santorum: I heard his campaign is completely out of money.

Mitt Romney: Mmm-hmm.

Herman Cain: Oh, man! Look! He’s stealing nuts!

[ reveal Gingrich scooping complimentary peanuts into his shirt pocket ]

Mitt Romney: Awwww, nut-stealer! Hey, uh, can I admit something to you guys?

Rick Santorum: Well, sure. You’re among friends.

Mitt Romney: RomneyCare is just ObamaCare.

Rick Santorum: D’oh!

Mitt Romney: There you go!

Rick Santorum: I KNEW it!! [ Romney chuckles heartily ] I can’t believe none of us could beat you.

Mitt Romney: And I can’t believe it took so long to win! Hey, one more time!

[ singing ]“Another turning point, a fork stuck in the road.”

Michele Bachmann: [ warbling ]“Time grabs you by the reins, directs you where to go.”

Rick Santorum & Herman Cain: [ singing ]“So make the best of this, and don’t ask why!”

Rick Perry: [ singing ]“It’s not affected, but it…”

[ he throws his hands up and admits he doesn’t know the lyrics ]

All: [ singing ]“It’s always unpredictable, but in the end was right
This campaign was the time of my life!
This campaign was the time of my liiiiife!”

Mitt Romney: Come on, gang! Say it with me here, huh?

[ everyone crowss around Romney ]

All: “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Niiiiiiighttttt!!!”

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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