SNL Transcripts: Josh Brolin: 04/14/12: Woodridge High


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 37: Episode 19

11s: Josh Brolin / Gotye

Woodridge High

Mr. Russell…..Bill Hader
Katie…..Vanessa Bayer
Stacey…..Nasim Pedrad
Brett…..Taran Killam
Goth Student…..Kenan Thompson
Majorette…..Abby Elliott
Donovan…..Bobby Moynihan
Eric Adler…..Andy Samberg
Dr. Failer…..Josh Brolin
Witch…..Kristen Wiig

[ open on exterior, Woodridge High School ] [ dissolve to interior hallway, as Mr. Russell shows Katie around ]

Mr. Russell: There’s the gym, where we have P.E. And through those doors, the cafeteria.

Katie: Thanks for giving me a tour, Mr. Russell! It’s SCARY being the new kid, you know?

Mr. Russell: Oh, don’t worry, Katie, you’ll be fine. Woodridge High is a pretty cool school.

Katie: [ glancing across the hall ] Whoa! Who are they?

[ cut to adjacent hallway, as Stacey and Brett saunter through in slow-motion to Soul Kid #1’s “(More Bounce In) California” ]

Mr. Russell: That’s, uh… Stacey and Brett.

Katie: Wow! What’s their deal?

Mr. Russell: He’s captain of the football team, she’s head cheerleader, and, together, they’re pretty much the coolest couple in school.

Katie: No, I — I mean, why are they walking like that?

Mr. Russell: Oh, yeah. That’s the hallway where everything’s in slow-motion.

[ in slow-motion, Brett pounds on his locker to open it and lean against it, as Stacey applies her lipstick ]

Katie: So… why isn’t it affecting us?

Mr. Russell: Well, we’re not quite in the hallways. No, it starts right about, uh… [ he taes a few small steps forward and waves his hand up and down ] Here. [ his hand now waves in slow-motion ] Yeah. [ he leans into the zone, as an electric charge is heard and his speech slows down ] And it affects evvvvveryyyyyonnnne innnn theeee hallllllwayyyyy… [ he steps back into the normal-speed zone, as another electric charge is heard ] See?

Katie: Wait — it doesn’t work only on the cool kids?

Mr. Russell: No, it works on anyone in the hallway. [ pointing ] See? I mean, these two definitely aren’t cool.

[ cut to nerdy-looking majorette and goth punk sauntering through the hall in slow-motion ]

Katie: So… is it.. is it dangerous?

Mr. Russell: No. [ pointing ] Unless you’re Donovan.

[ cut to Stacey laughing as Brett gives Donovan a wedgie in slow-motion ]

Katie: Well… I don’t care for that. But how does this hallway exist?

Mr. Russell: No one knows for sure. One theory is that it’s cursed, because they burned a crazy old witch here. But our Chemistry teacher, Dr. Failer, he’s trying to prove it’s science.

[ Dr. Failer saunters down the hall in slow-motion, pouring liquid between science jars ]

Katie: Now… can people in the hallways see us?

Mr. Russell: Great question, Katie! They’re in slow-motion, but they can still interact with us. [ calling ] Hey, Brett! It’s gonna take a second for the sound to get to him, you know, everything travels slower…

Brett: Whaaaaaaaatttttt’s uuuuuuuuppppp!!

Mr. Russell: What’s uuuuuupp!! [ to Katie ] You see? It’s just like any other high school.

Katie: But what if you get stuck in there, and you have to go to the bathroom?

Mr. Russell: That’s a question for Eric “Small Bladder” Adler!

[ cut to Eric running down the hall in slow-motion, as urine stains his pants and Stacey and Brett laugh at him ]

Katie: Someone should report this to the government!

Mr. Russell: The government? It moves slow enough! Am I right? [ he laughs ] Hey-ooooo!! I don’t know. Anyway, seriously, the government would destroy our town. [ pointing ] Oh — it looks like Dr. Failer’s got something.

Dr. Failer: [ slowly making his way into the normal zone ] Euuuuuuuuuuuu… [ he pushes through ] REKA!! I know you don’t feel like you’re in slow-motion, but you DO feel COOLER!! Which means that I’m THIS close to finally understanding what’s behind this phenomenon!

Mr. Russell: Is it the curse of the old witch?

Dr. Failer: Of course not! Don’t be ridiculous! It HAS to be SCIENCE!!

[ Dr. Failer rushes back into the slow-motion zone ]

Mr. Russell: [ to Katie ] That’s the, uh… the hallway. You’ll get used to it. Do you want to see the auditorium?

Katie: [ excitedly ] Do I!

[ they turn and exit down the hallway ] [ back in the slow-motion hallway, reveal the old witch chasing Dr. Failer, Stacey and Brett in slow-motion ] [ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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