Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 37: Episode 19
Mr. Russell…..Bill Hader
Goth Student…..Kenan Thompson
Eric Adler…..Andy Samberg
Dr. Failer…..Josh Brolin
[ open on exterior, Woodridge High School ] [ dissolve to interior hallway, as Mr. Russell shows Katie around ]
Mr. Russell: There’s the gym, where we have P.E. And through those doors, the cafeteria.
Katie: Thanks for giving me a tour, Mr. Russell! It’s SCARY being the new kid, you know?
Mr. Russell: Oh, don’t worry, Katie, you’ll be fine. Woodridge High is a pretty cool school.
Katie: [ glancing across the hall ] Whoa! Who are they?[ cut to adjacent hallway, as Stacey and Brett saunter through in slow-motion to Soul Kid #1’s “(More Bounce In) California” ]
Mr. Russell: That’s, uh… Stacey and Brett.
Katie: Wow! What’s their deal?
Mr. Russell: He’s captain of the football team, she’s head cheerleader, and, together, they’re pretty much the coolest couple in school.
Katie: No, I — I mean, why are they walking like that?
Mr. Russell: Oh, yeah. That’s the hallway where everything’s in slow-motion.[ in slow-motion, Brett pounds on his locker to open it and lean against it, as Stacey applies her lipstick ]
Katie: So… why isn’t it affecting us?
Mr. Russell: Well, we’re not quite in the hallways. No, it starts right about, uh… [ he taes a few small steps forward and waves his hand up and down ] Here. [ his hand now waves in slow-motion ] Yeah. [ he leans into the zone, as an electric charge is heard and his speech slows down ] And it affects evvvvveryyyyyonnnne innnn theeee hallllllwayyyyy… [ he steps back into the normal-speed zone, as another electric charge is heard ] See?
Katie: Wait — it doesn’t work only on the cool kids?
Mr. Russell: No, it works on anyone in the hallway. [ pointing ] See? I mean, these two definitely aren’t cool.[ cut to nerdy-looking majorette and goth punk sauntering through the hall in slow-motion ]
Katie: So… is it.. is it dangerous?
Mr. Russell: No. [ pointing ] Unless you’re Donovan.[ cut to Stacey laughing as Brett gives Donovan a wedgie in slow-motion ]
Katie: Well… I don’t care for that. But how does this hallway exist?
Mr. Russell: No one knows for sure. One theory is that it’s cursed, because they burned a crazy old witch here. But our Chemistry teacher, Dr. Failer, he’s trying to prove it’s science.[ Dr. Failer saunters down the hall in slow-motion, pouring liquid between science jars ]
Katie: Now… can people in the hallways see us?
Mr. Russell: Great question, Katie! They’re in slow-motion, but they can still interact with us. [ calling ] Hey, Brett! It’s gonna take a second for the sound to get to him, you know, everything travels slower…
Brett: Whaaaaaaaatttttt’s uuuuuuuuppppp!!
Mr. Russell: What’s uuuuuupp!! [ to Katie ] You see? It’s just like any other high school.
Katie: But what if you get stuck in there, and you have to go to the bathroom?
Mr. Russell: That’s a question for Eric “Small Bladder” Adler![ cut to Eric running down the hall in slow-motion, as urine stains his pants and Stacey and Brett laugh at him ]
Katie: Someone should report this to the government!
Mr. Russell: The government? It moves slow enough! Am I right? [ he laughs ] Hey-ooooo!! I don’t know. Anyway, seriously, the government would destroy our town. [ pointing ] Oh — it looks like Dr. Failer’s got something.
Dr. Failer: [ slowly making his way into the normal zone ] Euuuuuuuuuuuu… [ he pushes through ] REKA!! I know you don’t feel like you’re in slow-motion, but you DO feel COOLER!! Which means that I’m THIS close to finally understanding what’s behind this phenomenon!
Mr. Russell: Is it the curse of the old witch?
Dr. Failer: Of course not! Don’t be ridiculous! It HAS to be SCIENCE!![ Dr. Failer rushes back into the slow-motion zone ]
Mr. Russell: [ to Katie ] That’s the, uh… the hallway. You’ll get used to it. Do you want to see the auditorium?
Katie: [ excitedly ] Do I![ they turn and exit down the hallway ] [ back in the slow-motion hallway, reveal the old witch chasing Dr. Failer, Stacey and Brett in slow-motion ] [ fade ]