Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 37: Episode 19
Josh Brolin’s Monologue
…..Josh Brolin…..Jay Pharoah
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Josh Brolin!
Josh Brolin: Thank you! Thank you! Yeah! Thank you!!!! Thank you, thank you, thank you very much! It is SO great to be back hosting “Saturday Night Live”. I have to say, you know, for me, as an actor, this is just the most exciting challenge in the world. You know, I’ve been in so many serious movies like “No Country For Old Men” and “True Grit”, it’s just refreshing to, you know, come here and just be STUPID! Like REALLY stupid. Like career-endingly stupid. And what a perfect time to be here. Is there anything better than Spring in New York City? [ the crowd cheers ] Girls in short skirts. Guys in weird… tight capri pants. It’s really nice out. I even took one of those bicycle caps at the airport. It cost $1,200, but, luckily, I didn’t have to pay because the guy had a heart attack on the way here.
So this is my second time host. Uh, but the first time with this stylish goatee. I’m contractually obligated to wear it because of a project I’m doing. Uh, starting next month, I’ll be the official spokesman for the 90’s! [ cut to close-up ] You down with O.P.P.? Yeah, you know me? The 90’s? [ he smiles with a tinkle
I’m also in a movie next month, called “Men in Black III”. [ the crowd cheers wildly ] And in it, Will Smith travels back in time to 1969, and I play a young Tommy Lee Jones. And I did a lot of research for the role, you know? I looked up old photos of Tommy Lee Jones. Here’s one of him as a baby. [ reveal photoshopped image of Tommy Lee Jones’ head on a baby’s body ] So we can’t show you a clip form the movie, because it doesn’t come out until May — so I’m gonna show you the next best thing, okay? [ Jay Pharoah steps out ] So Jay will be doing his Wlil Smith… [ the crowd goes nuts ] and I’ll be doing a young Tommy Lee Jones.
Jay Pharoah: Okay, let me just warm up a little bit, alright? [ he clears his throat loudly ] Uh-huh! Yeah! WHOOOOO!! Okay… okay. [ he begins ] “Ugh! So, uh, check it out, alright? Yo! So there’s these ALIENS, right? So I was THINKING, you know, we should get some of those BIG-ASS space guns and go kick some MARTIAN BUTT! WHOOOO!! You know what I mean, K?”
Josh Brolin: [ arms folded ] “Alright.” [ to the audience ] There you go! Thank you very much!
[ the crowd applauds wildly ]
We’ve got a great show for you tonight! Gotye is here! So stick around, we’ll be right back!