SNL Transcripts: Eli Manning: 05/05/12


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 37: Episode 20

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Air Date:


Musical Guest:

Special Guests:


Bit Players:

May 5th, 2012

Eli Manning



Chris Snee

David Baas

David Diehl

Shaun O’Hara

Abby McGrew

Sacha Baron Cohen

Martin Scorcese


Fox & FriendsSummary: Steve Doocy (Taran Killam), Gretchen Carlson (Vanessa Bayer) and Brian Kilmeade (Bobby Moynihan) criticize President Obama and annoy Rupert Murdoch (Fred Armisen) with their on-air errors.

Recurring Characters: Steve Doocy, Gretchen Carlson, Brian Kilmeade, Rupert Murdoch.



Eli Manning’s MonologueSummary: To prove how well he’s adjusted to life in New York City while a member of the Giants, Eli Manning gives off-course cultural and dining suggestions to the audience.


Amazon KindleSummary: This Mother’s Day, give Mom the gift that keeps on giving — “Fifty Shades of Grey” on Amazon Kindle, the perfect erotic literature to meet all of her masturbatory needs.


Motion CaptureSummary: Eli Manning fumbles big-time while recording his green-screen victory dance for EA Sports’ “Madden NFL ’13”.

Text Message EvidenceSummary: Chad Kevin Jeremy (Eli Manning) attempts to prove his innocence during a murder trial by allowing his attorney (Jason Sudeikis) to read his flirtatious text messages dispensed at the time of the murder.


Little BrothersSummary: Eli Manning acts as a volunteer liasion for boys who are routinely picked on by their mean older brothers.


WXPD News New YorkSummary: Doddering field reporter Herb Welch (Bill Hader) is on the scene at an Occupy Wall Street protest.

Recurring Characters: Jack Rizzoli, Wanda Ramirez, Herb Welch.

Rihanna performs “Birthday Cake/Talk That Talk”

Weekend Update with Seth MeyersSummary: Overzealous tanning mom Patricia Krentcil (Kristen Wiig) has to repeatedly moisten her dry throat while defending her recent behavior. Admiral General Aladeen (Sacha Baron Cohen) plugs “The Dictator” and reveals that he has taken Martin Scorcese hostage.

What Is This?Summary: Game show hostess Kimberly Clemens (Abby Elliott) takes advantage of her show’s format to question her boyfriend Ryan Mack (Eli Manning) about the status of their fledgling relationship.


Helga LatelySummary: The Swedish version of Chelsea Handler (Kate McKinnon) flirts with her guests and runs a promo for “Catch Up Mit Du Khlardashians”.

Recurring Characters: Kim Kardashian, Kourtney Kardashian, Khloé Kardashian.

Rihanna performs “Where Have You Been?”

Miss Drag World 2012Summary: Upset about coming in third place, Miss Chicken Fried Steak (Eli Manning) disrupts the rest of the pageant and steals the trophy.

Turner Classic Movies: The EssentialsSummary: Robert Osborne (Jason Sudeikis) discusses the brief screen career of Richard Armstrong (Eli Manning), the square third wheel who appeared in the early Cheech (Fred Armisen) & Chong (Bill Hader) movies.

Recurring Characters: Robert Osborne.


Dress Rehearsal Cuts

A Message from the President of the United StatesSummary: President Barack Obama (Fred Armisen) urges voters to celebrate the one-year anniversay of Killing Osama bin Laden Day, and outlines the appropriate gifts each year the holiday is celebrated.

Recurring Characters: President Barack Obama.


SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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