Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 37: Episode 20
Dad #1…..Jason Sudeikis
Mom #1…..Kristen Wiig
Dad #2…..Bill Hader
Mom #2…..Vanessa Bayer
Mom #3…..Nasim Pedrad
[ open on mailman delivering an Amazon package to a townhouse ] [ cut to interior, townhouse, as Dad #1 opens the package and pulls out a Chambord French press coffee maker ]
Announcer: This Mother’s Day, why not show Mom just how special she is? By surprising her with one of MILLIONS of gifts from Amazon.com?
Dad #1: Alright, let’s be quiet… Mom has no idea we’re bringing her breakfast in bed, okay? Shhh, shhh, shhh…
Announcer: Which means there’s a million ways to give your mother a surprise she’ll never forget.
Dad #1 and Kids: Happy Mother’s Day!!![ reveal Mom reading “Fifty Shades of Grey” under the covers with one leg stretched into the air ]
Mom #1: GET OUT!!
Dad #1: [ stunned ] “Fifty Shades of Grey”? Isn’t that… that sex book?
Mom #1: [ embarrassed ] What?! Of course not!
Daughter: [ holding up vibrator ] Look — a microphone! [ singing ] “Mommyyyyy!”[ Mom grabs her vibrator, as Dad gasps ] [ cut to Dad #2 preparing a gift basket of goodies from Amazon ]
Announcer: Because, at Amazon, a million surprises for Mom are just a click away.
Dad #2 and Son: Surprise!![ reveal Mom reading “Fifty Shades of Grey” in a bubble bath, with her legs pressed upon the wall ]
Mom #2: GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!!
Dad #1: Is that “Fifty Shades of Grey”?
Mom #2: No! It’s… it’s a cook book.
Son: Mom! We got you bath stuff!
Mom #2: I see that, Jonah. Thank you. [ she lifts a gloved hand out of the bath and points ] Just… put it down on the ground.
Announcer: On Amazon.com, Mommy surprises come in ALL sizes.[ he opens the laundry room door ]
Man: Mom! Happy Mother’s Day![ reveal Mom wearing dog collar with her crotch pressed against the working dryer as she reads “Fifty Shades of Grey” ]
Man: Oh — “Fifty Shades of Grey”?
Mom #3: Get out!
Man: [ spotting a framed photo on the dryer ] Is that Joel McHale?
Mom #3: No, it’s your dad! Get out!![ cut to product display ]
Announcer: So, this Mother’s Day, go to Amazon.com and get Mom what she really wants: “Fifty Shades of Grey”. On Kindle![ return to Dad #1 operating the camera in the bedroom ]
Dad #1: Alright, come on — get next to the kids! Are you ready? [ Mom and the covers stands behind the kids ] 1… 2… 3! [ he clicks the picture ] Yayyyyy![ cut to rear angle, to reveal Mom’s bare pixellated ass ]
Dad #1: [ looking at picture ] Oh, no… you seem angry.[ Mom smirks ] [ cut to product display ]
Announcer: The Kindle. What are you reading, Mom? We’ll never know.