SNL Transcripts: Eli Manning: 05/05/12: Amazon Kindle



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 20




















11t: Eli Manning / Rihanna

Amazon Kindle

Dad #1…..Jason Sudeikis
Mom #1…..Kristen Wiig
Dad #2…..Bill Hader
Mom #2…..Vanessa Bayer
Man…..Taran Killam
Mom #3…..Nasim Pedrad

[ open on mailman delivering an Amazon package to a townhouse ] [ cut to interior, townhouse, as Dad #1 opens the package and pulls out a Chambord French press coffee maker ]

Announcer: This Mother’s Day, why not show Mom just how special she is? By surprising her with one of MILLIONS of gifts from Amazon.com?

Dad #1: Alright, let’s be quiet… Mom has no idea we’re bringing her breakfast in bed, okay? Shhh, shhh, shhh…

Announcer: Which means there’s a million ways to give your mother a surprise she’ll never forget.

[ Dad and the kids rush into the bedroom ]

Dad #1 and Kids: Happy Mother’s Day!!!

[ reveal Mom reading “Fifty Shades of Grey” under the covers with one leg stretched into the air ]

Mom #1: GET OUT!!

Dad #1: [ stunned ] “Fifty Shades of Grey”? Isn’t that… that sex book?

Mom #1: [ embarrassed ] What?! Of course not!

Daughter: [ holding up vibrator ] Look — a microphone! [ singing ] “Mommyyyyy!”

[ Mom grabs her vibrator, as Dad gasps ] [ cut to Dad #2 preparing a gift basket of goodies from Amazon ]

Announcer: Because, at Amazon, a million surprises for Mom are just a click away.

[ Dad and his son rush up the stairs and push the bathroom door open ]

Dad #2 and Son: Surprise!!

[ reveal Mom reading “Fifty Shades of Grey” in a bubble bath, with her legs pressed upon the wall ]

Mom #2: GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!!

Dad #1: Is that “Fifty Shades of Grey”?

Mom #2: No! It’s… it’s a cook book.

Son: Mom! We got you bath stuff!

Mom #2: I see that, Jonah. Thank you. [ she lifts a gloved hand out of the bath and points ] Just… put it down on the ground.

[ cut to Man wheeling a new washing machine down the hall ]

Announcer: On Amazon.com, Mommy surprises come in ALL sizes.

[ he opens the laundry room door ]

Man: Mom! Happy Mother’s Day!

[ reveal Mom wearing dog collar with her crotch pressed against the working dryer as she reads “Fifty Shades of Grey” ]

Man: Oh — “Fifty Shades of Grey”?

Mom #3: Get out!

Man: [ spotting a framed photo on the dryer ] Is that Joel McHale?

Mom #3: No, it’s your dad! Get out!!

[ cut to product display ]

Announcer: So, this Mother’s Day, go to Amazon.com and get Mom what she really wants: “Fifty Shades of Grey”. On Kindle!

[ return to Dad #1 operating the camera in the bedroom ]

Dad #1: Alright, come on — get next to the kids! Are you ready? [ Mom and the covers stands behind the kids ] 1… 2… 3! [ he clicks the picture ] Yayyyyy!

[ cut to rear angle, to reveal Mom’s bare pixellated ass ]

Dad #1: [ looking at picture ] Oh, no… you seem angry.

[ Mom smirks ] [ cut to product display ]

Announcer: The Kindle. What are you reading, Mom? We’ll never know.

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King is directing his fourteenth season of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him nine Emmys and thirteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for thirteen DGA Awards and won in 2014, 2016, 2017, 2018 and 2019. Mr. King is also the creative director of Broadway Worldwide which brings theatrical events to theaters. The company has produced Smokey Joe’s Café; Putting It Together with Carol Burnett; Jekyll & Hyde; and Memphis, all directed by Mr. King. He completed the screen capture of Broadway's Romeo & Juliet in 2013. - LinkedIn

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