Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 37: Episode 20
Little Brothers
…..Eli Manning
Older Brother…..Andy Samberg
Eli Manning: Hi. I’m Eli Manning, and I’m a proud ambassador to the Little Brothers program.
[ dissolve to Manning outdoors with a group of small kids ]Eli Manning V/O: Our organization helps kids build confidence, reach their goals, and overcome their adversity — especially when that adversity… is an older sibling.
[ cut to Manning sitting on a bench with a little brother ]Eli Manning: So… what does your older brother do to you?
Little Brother: He breaks my toys and doesn’t allow me to play with my video games.
Eli Manning: Let’s find a creative solution to fix that.
[ dissolve to older brother’s bedroom, as he enters brushing his teeth, surprised to see a stern-looking Eli Manning sitting on his bed with his younger brother ]Brother: Are you Eli Manning?
Eli Manning: Nope. I’m your worst fucking nightmare!
[ cut to Manning holding the older brother upside-down over an open-mouthed toilet ]Eli Manning V/O: I understand the frustration of an older brother who thinks he can boss you around.
[ cut to Manning and the little brother playing video games together ]Eli Manning: This is fun, right?
Little Brother: Yeah!
[ zoom out to reveal Manning giving the older brother an atomic wedgie ]Eli Manning: Right?! [ he tugs harder ]
Brother: Yes, sir! It’s fun!
[ cut to an older brother messing with his younger brother on a street corner ]Eli Manning V/O: At Little Brothers, we’re ready to face any level of big brother problems.
[ the older brother stops laughing when he looks up to see Eli Manning running straight for him ]Eli Manning V/O: We know that big brothers… can be real dickheads!
[ Manning tackles the older brother and shoves his face into the dirt ] [ cut to Manning testimonial ]Eli Manning: We also provide kids with great sports and activities. Like Dodge Ball…
[ cut to Manning and little brothers in attack stance to throw dodge balls at an older brother chained to a fence ]Brother: Stop!!
Eli Manning V/O: T-Ball…
[ cut to Manning and a little brother using an older brother’s mouth as a t-ball stand, then swinging on the close-up ]Eli Manning V/O: And Archery.
[ cut to Manning holding a bow-and-arrow ]Eli Manning: I’ll give you a five-second head start. [ the older brother runs for it ] 1… 2… [ he takes aim ] Good enough!
[ cut to Manning standing over an open car trunk ]Eli Manning: Maybe now you’ll learn to treat your younger brother with some RESPECT, Peyton!
Older Brother: [ inside car trunk ] My name is not Peyton!!
Eli Manning: Whatever! [ he slams the trunk shut ] [ dissolve to Manning standing with a group of little brothers ]
Eli Manning: The Little Brothers program. Because a time of reckoning is now at hand!
[ they all begin to laugh maniacally ]Eli Manning: YES!! YES!!
[ fade ]