SNL Transcripts: Eli Manning: 05/05/12: Little Brothers


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 37: Episode 20

11t: Eli Manning / Rihanna

Little Brothers

…..Eli Manning
Older Brother…..Andy Samberg

Eli Manning: Hi. I’m Eli Manning, and I’m a proud ambassador to the Little Brothers program.

[ dissolve to Manning outdoors with a group of small kids ]

Eli Manning V/O: Our organization helps kids build confidence, reach their goals, and overcome their adversity — especially when that adversity… is an older sibling.

[ cut to Manning sitting on a bench with a little brother ]

Eli Manning: So… what does your older brother do to you?

Little Brother: He breaks my toys and doesn’t allow me to play with my video games.

Eli Manning: Let’s find a creative solution to fix that.

[ dissolve to older brother’s bedroom, as he enters brushing his teeth, surprised to see a stern-looking Eli Manning sitting on his bed with his younger brother ]

Brother: Are you Eli Manning?

Eli Manning: Nope. I’m your worst fucking nightmare!

[ cut to Manning holding the older brother upside-down over an open-mouthed toilet ]

Eli Manning V/O: I understand the frustration of an older brother who thinks he can boss you around.

[ cut to Manning and the little brother playing video games together ]

Eli Manning: This is fun, right?

Little Brother: Yeah!

[ zoom out to reveal Manning giving the older brother an atomic wedgie ]

Eli Manning: Right?! [ he tugs harder ]

Brother: Yes, sir! It’s fun!

[ cut to an older brother messing with his younger brother on a street corner ]

Eli Manning V/O: At Little Brothers, we’re ready to face any level of big brother problems.

[ the older brother stops laughing when he looks up to see Eli Manning running straight for him ]

Eli Manning V/O: We know that big brothers… can be real dickheads!

[ Manning tackles the older brother and shoves his face into the dirt ] [ cut to Manning testimonial ]

Eli Manning: We also provide kids with great sports and activities. Like Dodge Ball…

[ cut to Manning and little brothers in attack stance to throw dodge balls at an older brother chained to a fence ]

Brother: Stop!!

Eli Manning V/O: T-Ball…

[ cut to Manning and a little brother using an older brother’s mouth as a t-ball stand, then swinging on the close-up ]

Eli Manning V/O: And Archery.

[ cut to Manning holding a bow-and-arrow ]

Eli Manning: I’ll give you a five-second head start. [ the older brother runs for it ] 1… 2… [ he takes aim ] Good enough!

[ cut to Manning standing over an open car trunk ]

Eli Manning: Maybe now you’ll learn to treat your younger brother with some RESPECT, Peyton!

Older Brother: [ inside car trunk ] My name is not Peyton!!

Eli Manning: Whatever! [ he slams the trunk shut ] [ dissolve to Manning standing with a group of little brothers ]

Eli Manning: The Little Brothers program. Because a time of reckoning is now at hand!

[ they all begin to laugh maniacally ]

Eli Manning: YES!! YES!!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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