Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 37: Episode 20
Eli Manning’s Monologue
Audience Member #1…..Vanessa Bayer
Audience Member #2…..Bobby Moynihan
Audience Member #3…..Kate McKinnon
Audience Member #4…..Bill Hader
Audience Member #5…..Kenan Thompson
Audience Member #6…..Nasim Pedrad
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Eli Manning!
Eli Manning: Thank you! Thank you! Thank you very much! It’s great to be here hosting “Saturday Night Live”! After TWO Super Bowls… this is definitely the THIRD most exciting night of my life! The New York fans have been GREAT to us! We had a big parade downtown, where we took the Lombardi trophy to the heart of the city — and now we have no idea where it is!
I’m a little out of my element, but I have some guys here who ALWAYS have my back — my offensive line. [ reveal David Baas, David Diehl, Chris Snee, and Shaun O’Hara in the balcony ] They go with me everywhere — parties, restaurants… they were even with me in the room with me and my wife, Abby, when our daughter was born. Wasn’t that great, honey? [ reveal Abby McGrew in the audience, laughing, but shaking her head No ]
You know — I grew up in New Orleans, went to school in Mississippi, but I gotta say, I finally feel like a REAL New Yorker! It took a few years… but now, I’m an expert. So if there are any tourists here tonight, I’d be glad to answer your questions. [ pointing ] Oh. Yes?
Audience Member #1: Yeah. My family and I were wondering: What’s the BEST place to get Italian food in New York City?
Eli Manning: Well… there’s a great place called The Olive Garden. You gotta go to New Jersey… but it’s worth it.
Audience Member #1: So… I have to go to New Jersey for New York pasta?
Eli Manning: Hey — I play for the New York Giants, and all my games are played in New Jersey. [ pointing ] Yes?
Audience Member #2: Hi. My wife and I thought we’d see a Broadway show?
Audience Member #3: Yeah, do you have any recommendations?
Eli Manning: “Cats”! You gotta see “Cats”! It’s cats… who can sing!
Audience Member #2: Is that even still playing?
Eli Manning: I don’t know. I saw the ad on TV when I was a kid. It was so great. You know what? Even if it’s not playing, do what I used to do — put the “Cats” soundtrack on your iPod, and then go to a pet store and look at some cats! It’s like you’re watching a bunch of singing cats! [ pointing ] How about you?
Audience Member #4: I want to explore a little. Is there a place I can do a walking tour?
Eli Manning: Absolutely! New York has so many GREAT neighborhoods: SoHo… NoHo… BeBo…J-Lo… Flo-Jo. You gotta explore them all!
Audience Member #4: [ confused ] Where is BeBo?
Eli Manning: [ shrugs ] Hey — fugetaboutit! Right? Fugetaboutit! [ pointing ] Yep?
Audience Member #5: Uh — what do you do in the city to just have fun?
Eli Manning: Oh, man… I’m glad you asked that! I do this ALL the time: Get some bulky shopping bags and three of the FATTEST kids I can find. Just big, husky kids. Then we all walk hand-in-hand next to each other in Times Square — slow as Hell! It’s SO fun! Last year, one of us got hit in the head with a brick! It was hilarious! [ looking around ] Anyone else? [ pointing ] Yeah?
Audience Member #6: I know a lot of celebrities live in the city. Any hot places to spot a famous person?
Eli Manning: Of course! I see famous people every day, because I stand in the audience outside “The Today Show”. Look at this:[ reveal photo of Al Roker, Ann Curry and Matt Laurer standing outside, with Manning behind the barricade in a rainbow wig and holding a sign that reads “Quarterbacks do it in 2 minutes.” ]
Eli Manning: Look close! There’s me in the rainbow wig with a hilarious sign! It was SO cool! I got to be on LIVE TV! When will I do that again?
So that’s my New York! If you don’t like it… fugetaboutit! We’ve got a great show — Rihanna is here, so stick around and we’ll be right back!