SNL Transcripts: Eli Manning: 05/05/12: A Message from the President of the United States

 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 20

11t: Eli Manning / Rihanna

A Message from the President of the United States

Written by: Jim Downey

President Barack Obama…..Fred Armisen

[ open on Presidential seal ]

Announcer: The following is an address from the President of the United States.

[ dissolve to President Barack Obama seated at desk in Oval Office ]

President Barack Obama: Good evening, my fellow Americans. It was exactly one year ago last Tuesday, May 1, 2011, that U.S. Navy Seal Team 6, acting on my orders, put an end to the career of Osama bin Laden. I hope you had a safe and joyous first anniversary of his killing, and that you were able to spend it with those you love. This is a special time of year, when we gather together with family and friends to commemorate the shooting of this terrorist, and the gutsy decision that made it possible. Unfortunately, I wasn’t able to be at home this year, as I had to fly to Afghanistan to remind President Karzai that, exactly one year ago, we killed Osama bin Laden, and that the decision to do so was a gutsy one. And was mine. To Michelle, Sasha, and Malia: I’m sorry I couldn’t be with you this time. You know there’s no place I’d rather be on Killing Osama bin Laden Day than with you. But I’ll be home for the next Killing Osama bin Laden Day. If only, as the song goes, in my dreams.

Now tonight, I want to talk to you about the economy. But first, a little more about the killing of Osama bin Laden. Why is it that Mitt Romney refuses to join the rest of his fellow Americans in commemorating the first year anniversary? Does he think that killing Osama bin Laden wasn’t the right thing to do, or that it wasn’t “gutsy”? Why all this sympathy for a terrorist? Could it be they shared some special bond, since Mitt and Osama were both members of the One Percent? He’s weird.

Now, I’ll get to the economy in a minute, but while I’m on the subject, there seems to be some confusion among the general public about when exactly we celebrate Killing Osama bin Laden Day. Many of you apparently think it’s the first Sunday in May, whatever date that falls on. Wrong. He may have been killed on the first Sunday of May, but Killing Osama bin Laden Day is always celebrated May 1st, the date of the actual killing, whatever day of the week that falls on. Are we clear? Also, in response to numerous queries, here are the appropriate gifts for each anniversary of Osama bin Laden’s death, according to the White House Office of Etiquette.

[ he reads from a sheet of paper ]

For the first anniversary: Paper. And the gemstone is opal.

For the fifth anniversary: Wood. The gemstone is amethyst.

For the tenth anniversary: Tin. Really. Tin. Many people think it’s silver, but it’s not. It’s tin. Remember that. You don’t want to be embarrassed. But you can also add your own ideas. For example, I’ve already promised Michelle and the girls, for the Tenth Anniversary, I’m taking them to Orlando.

One more thing: I want to remind us all that, when sending a Killing of Osama bin Laden anniversary card, or offering best wishes on Killing Osama bin Laden Day to a friend who happens to be Muslim, we should be considerate of Islamic cultural tradition. To many Muslims, phrases like Osama bin Laden “went dirt-napping,” or “assumed room temperature,” or “sleeps with the fishes,” can be offensive. Especially the last one, since, as we all know, he was buried at sea. And, of course, let’s all remember that heavy drinking and Killing Osamabin Laden Day are never a good combination. So please celebrate Killing Osama bin Laden Day responsibly. After all, it’s the “gutsy” decision.

Well, I’m afraid that’s all I have time for tonight. The economy, by the way, is looking fantastic. Thank you for listening, and “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night.”

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