SNL Transcripts: Eli Manning: 05/05/12: What Is This?


 Saturday Night Live Transcripts

  Season 37: Episode 20

11t: Eli Manning / Rihanna

What Is This?

Kimberly Clemens…..Abby Elliott
Joanne Templeton…..Vanessa Bayer
Fred Pollock…..Bill Hader
Ryan Mack…..Eli Manning

Announcer: And now, it’s time to play…

Audience: What! Is! This?

Announcer: And here’s your host — Kimberly Clemens!

Kimberly Clemens: Hello! And welcome to “What Is This?”, the world’s easiest game show! We’ll show you something, and you tell us… “What Is This?” Joining us this week: She’s a achoolteacher from Baton Rouge, Louisiana — Joanne Templeton!

Joanne Templeton: [ smiling ] I just want to say to all my students: “Go to bed!” [ she laughs ] Just kidding!

Kimberly Clemens: [ laughing ] He’s a dental assistant from Bridgeton, Maine — Fred Pollock!

Fred Pollack: I just want to say to all of Joanne’s students: “Don’t forget to FLOSS before you go to bed!” And I am NOT kidding! [ he laughs ]

Kimberly Clemens: And he’s a grad student and, coincidentally, the guy I’ve been seeing for the last six months — Ryan Mack!

Ryan Mack: [ waving meekly ] Oh, hey. You never told me you hosted a game show.

Kimberly Clemens: Actually, I did. [ Ryan shrugs ] Okay! This first question is for Joanne! Joanne… [ balloons appear on monitor ] What is this?

Joanne Templeton: Um… those are balloons.

[ ding! ]

Kimberly Clemens: Correct! No wonder you’re a teacher! Okay, Fred, you’re up! [ a cow appears on the monitor ] What is this?

Fred Pollack: Those are cows!

Kimberly Clemens: Oh. Well, we were looking for a cow, but… we’ll take it! [ ding! ] Okay! Ryan, it’s your turn, are you ready?

Ryan Mack: Yep! I feel like I’ve GOT this!

Kimberly Clemens: Great. Ryan… what is this?

[ the monitor remains unchanged with the show logo ]

Ryan Mack: [ shrugging ] What is what? There’s no picture.

Kimberly Clemens: No. I mean, like this. [ indicating their relationship ] What is this?

Ryan Mack: [ confused ] This what?

Kimberly Clemens: Thing we’ve been doing. We’ve been seeing each other for six months. What is this?

Ryan Mack: I don’t think I’m ready to answer that, babe.

Kimberly Clemens: Why not? It’s not like we’re seeing anyone else?

Ryan Mack: We’re not?

[ buzz! ]

Kimberly Clemens: That is WRONG! Okay, Round 2! Joanne… what is this? [ a tree appears on the monitor ]

Joanne Templeton: Um… that’s a tree!

[ ding! ]

Kimberly Clemens: Great, Joanne! Brad… what is this? [ a quarter-moon appears on the monitor ]

Fred Pollack: That’s the nighttime sun!

Kimberly Clemens: Judges? [ ding! ] We’ll accept! Ryan, your turn!

Ryan Mack: [ shaking his head ] Uh… I don’t want to go…

Kimberly Clemens: Well, I don’t want to be “Kim From Bar”, but that’s still my name in your phone. Ryan, what is this? [ picture of her hugging an aloof Ryan appears on monitor ]

Ryan Mack: I don’t know. babe… it’s us at a party.

Kimberly Clemens: Okay, but… is this like friends at a party, or is this like boyfriend-girlfriend at a party?

Fred Pollack: I think I know.

Kimberly Clemens: Oh! Sure, sure! I’d love someone to give me an answer!

Fred Pollack: You look like friends, or, at least, you’re way more into him than he’s into you.

[ buzz! ]

Kimberly Clemens: Wrong, Fred! That’s wrong! Joanne, what do you think?

Joanne Templeton: Gosh, that picture is adorable! You tow make such a cute couple!

[ ding! ]

Kimberly Clemens: Joanne is right! And so are my two sisters. A thousand points to Joanne… negative infinity points to Fred.

Fred Pollack: [ excited ] Alright!

Kimberly Clemens: Okay, Round 3: Fred and Joanne… what is this? [ a mailbox stuffed with letters appears on the monitor ]

Joanne Templeton: Uh… a mailbox.

Fred Pollack: A letter hole!

[ ding! ]

Kimberly Clemens: Sure… sure. And, Ryan… [ she holds up her purse and pulls out a panty ] What is this?

Ryan Mack: [ confused ] Your underwear…?

Kimberly Clemens: Yes… yes. And deodorant. [ she pulls out deodorant ] I carry them around at all times, because I never know when I’m spending the night.

Ryan Mack: Hey — I always tell you you can go home after.

[ siren goes off ]

Kimberly Clemens: Okay! You all know what that sound means! It’s time for the final round! Joanne, you have the highest score. And, Ryan… I’m not done with you. So follow me! Fred, you can leave.

[ Joanne and Ryan step forward as Fred exits ]

Kimberly Clemens: This round is called “What Is That?” Let’s get 30 seconds on the clock — go! [ the clock ticks ] Joanne, what’s that? [ she point to her shirt ]

Joanne Templeton: Um… my shirt?

[ ding! ]

Kimberly Clemens: Ryan… you keep telling me how much fun your brother’s wedding is gonna be, but you haven’t invited me yet. What is that?

Ryan Mack: [ shrugging ] It’s just my… my whole family will be there.

[ buzz! ]

Kimberly Clemens: I see. Joanne, what’s that? [ she points to her shirt again ]

Joanne Templeton: Uh… i-it’s my shirt again.

[ ding! ]

Kimberly Clemens: Ryan, you’ve never let me see you cry, even though I’ve cried in front of you like a million times. What is that?

Ryan Mack: That’s a good question, Kim. What is that?

Kimberly Clemens: Pass. [ ding! ] Okay… Joanne, go.

Joanne Templeton: Uh… my shirt!

[ ding! ]

Kimberly Clemens: Ryan?

Ryan Mack: Okay! Stop asking me the same question over and over! Ask me literally anything else!

Kimberly Clemens: Okay, Ryan. For ALL the points… What is that?

Ryan Mack: [ confused ] Joanne’s shirt?

Kimberly Clemens: Yaaaayyyyy! You win! [ ding! ] Oh! [ she hugs him ] Your prize is a non-transferrable trip for tow to FINALLY go meet your parents!

Ryan Mack: Wait… that’s not what I…

Kimberly Clemens: That’s our show! Don’t tune in next week, because I’ll be busy planning our wedding!

Ryan Mack: [ perturbed ] What…?

Kimberly Clemens: Come here, you… [ she wraps his arm around her ] Good night!

[ fade ]

SNL Transcripts

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Author: Don Roy King

Don Roy King has directed fourteen seasons of Saturday Night Live. That work has earned him ten Emmys and fourteen nominations. Additionally, he has been nominated for fifteen DGA Awards and won in 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2020.

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