Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 37: Episode 21
President Barack Obama…..Fred Armisen
Joseph Biden…..Jason Sudeikis
George W. Bush…..Will Ferrell
[ open on exterior, White House, night ] [ dissolve to interior hall outside of Vice-President Joe Biden’s room, a sign that reads “NO PRESIDENTS ALLOWED” taped to the door ]
President Barack Obama: Vice-President Biden’s still in there?
Aide: Yes, Mr. President.
President Barack Obama: [ calling ] Joe! It’s ME — Barack! [ he bangs on the door ] Can I come in?
Voice of Joe Biden: You mean “President JERK FACE?!”
President Barack Obama: [ he sighs ] I’m coming in, Joe.[ Obama opens the door and enters the room to find Biden sitting on his bed in front of an electric train table set ]
President Barack Obama: [ sitting ] Joe… you’ve been locked inside your room all day. What’s wrong?
Joe Biden: What’s wrong?! Are you SERIOUS?! [ he stands ] Do you really not GET IT?!!
President Barack Obama: Does this have something to do with the whole, uh, gay marriage thing?
Joe Biden: Uh — DOYYYYYY!! It’s not FAIR, okay?! I was the first one who said it should be legal, but now YOU’RE the one getting all the credit!!
President Barack Obama: That’s not true.
Joe Biden: Oh! [ he gasps ] Oh, yeah?! Oh, really?! Then, why are you all dressed up?!
President Barack Obama: [ relunctant ] I’m going to a gala with Lady Gaga and Elton John.
Joe Biden: Awwwww!! See?!! That should be ME!! Vice-Presidents never get to go ANYWHERE!! [ he dives belly down onto his single bed ]
President Barack Obama: Joe, come on! You should be proud of what you did on “Meet The Press”. You’re a… you’re a great vice-president, Joe.
Joe Biden: [ sitting up ] Oh? Well, some people say I’d make a great president! Alright? Better than YOU, even!
President Barack Obama: Hey, who says that, Joe?
Joe Biden: George!
President Barack Obama: Are we gonna talk about your imaginary friend again, Joe?
Joe Biden: He’s NOT imaginary!! He’s REAL!!
President Barack Obama: Joe, uh, we have one more campaign to get through, and I need to know: Can I count on you?
Joe Biden: [ whispering ] Yes.
President Barack Obama: I can’t hear you.
Joe Biden: [ annoyed ] Yeeeessss!! [ he flops backward on his bed ]
President Barack Obama: Alright. [ he stands and grabs a plate with a half-eaten sandwich on it ] Can I take your plate now?
Joe Biden: NO!! No! George likes to finish what I don’t eat.
President Barack Obama: Alright. [ he opens the door ] Well… if you get hungry later, I left $20 on the counter so you can order yourself a pizza.
Joe Biden: Yeah. Okay. Maybe I WILL!
Joe Biden: Maybe I’ll just keep the twenty. [ calling out ] Okay, he’s gone! You can come out, George![ the closet door opens, and former president George W. Bush. exits with a couple of beers in hand ]
George W. Bush: Whew! That was close! [ he sits next to Biden on the bed ] That guy’s a real BUZZ KILL!
Joe Biden: [ laughing ] Yeah!
George W. Bush: You want an O’Doul’s?
Joe Biden: [ excited ] Sure! Yeah, yeah! [ he grabs the plate ] Hey — here’s the rest of my sandwich.
George W. Bush: Mucho! Mucho gracias!
Joe Biden: Yeah!
George W. Bush: I heard about that pizza, too — that’s gonna be sweet!
Joe Biden: Yeah! You know, everyone thinks you’re a FIGMENT of my imagination.
George W. Bush: Well… for some people, that’s just easier than accepting the TRUTH.
Joe Biden: Yeah. Yeah. Which is?
George W. Bush: That on my last day in office, I saw a butterfly and I chased it through the hallways…
Joe Biden: Yeah?
George W. Bush: I got lost, and I’ve been stuck here living in your closet for the past three-and-a-half years. BUt let me promise you one thing: I will not REST… until that butterfly is dead!
Joe Biden: Yeah![ they sip their beers ]
George W. Bush: Mmm. Now, what’s wrong, compadre? You seem down.
Joe Biden: Well, everybody says I have, like, a big mouth!
George W. Bush: Yeah?
Joe Biden: Well… its MY big mouth that got things done this time! Okay? Not his [ mimicking ] “careful weighing of options”!
George W. Bush: Heck! Those… those smartypants types are never going to understand speak-first guys like us.
Joe Biden: Exactly!
George W. Bush: Yeah, you know, theyre all brains.
Joe Biden: Yeah.
George W. Bush: You and me? Were all gut and balls.
Joe Biden: Yeah!
George W. Bush: Yeah.
Joe Biden: Yeah!
George W. Bush: Every decision I ever made happened between my belly button and the middle of my thighs.
Joe Biden: Yeah! Yeah, I’m just so SICK of the way presidents are always riding me. I mean, I’m an ADULT!
George W. Bush: Hey, I’ve been there! I’ve been there! I used to catch grief all the time from President Cheney.
Joe Biden: Mmm-hmm.
George W. Bush: Id be in the Oval Office hooking up the Slurpee machine, settling into a “Charles in Charge” marathon…
Joe Biden: Yeah! Uh-huh!
George W. Bush: And then that penguin would come waddling in and yell, “Get your damn pants on, were going to bomb blabbity-blah-blah-blah!” I mean, it’s like… whatever happened to being a kid?
Joe Biden: Exactly! Yeah, politics isnt fair.
George W. Bush: No sir. Well… [ breathes deeply ] mission accomplished.
Joe Biden: Whats that supposed to mean?
George W. Bush: It’s just something I like to say when a problem isnt solved… but I dont want to talk about it any more.
Joe Biden: Well, thanks for being a pal!
George W. Bush: Hey! [ they clink beer cans ] You know, I can’t help but to think if you had been my Vice, we would have burned this city to the ground!
Joe Biden: [ laughing ] Literally, or figuratively?
George W. Bush: What’s the one where there’s a real fire?
Joe Biden: [ laughing ] Oh, you crazy son of a gun!
George W. Bush: [ standing ] Now, uh… now, let’s fidn that butterfly and bring it to justice. Where do you keep your shotgun?
Joe Biden: Well, I don’t have a shotgun.
George W. Bush: Well, what kind of Vice-President are you?[ they crack up laughing ]
Joe Biden: Dick!
George W. Bush: Come on, let’s go.
Joe Biden: Okay. Wait, wait, hey — aren’t you forgetting something?
George W. Bush: Oh, right. I’m so rusty, I almost forgot. “Live from New York, it’s Saturday Night!”