Saturday Night Live Transcripts
Season 37: Episode 21
Stay Free Maxi Pads Ladies Long Drive Championship 1994
Pete Twinkle…..Jason Sudeikis
Greg Stink…..Will Forte
Virginia Sacramento…..Kristen Wiig
Greta “Cuckoo Clock” Kukendorf…..Vanessa Bayer
Assistant…..Michael Patrick O’Brien
Randy Feather…..Will Ferrell
Make-up Artist…..Abby Elliott
Announcer: You’re watching ESPN Classic!
Pete Twinkle V/O: Well, if you like heavy-hitting lady golf action, you can pop the batteries right out of that remote! Welcome to the Ladies Long Drive Championship… sponsored by Stay Free Maxi Pads! And today we’ve got some powerhouse hitters, featuring fan favorite Virginia Sacramento! And the Swiss sensation Greta “Cuckoo Clock” Kukendorf!
[ dissolve to Pete Twinkle and Greg Stink at the desk ]
Pete Twinkle: Good afternoon! It is 12:09 in the P.M. on June 17th, 1994! I’m Pete Twinkle, and seated next to me, providing GREAT color commentary — and man, oh, man, does this guy love to grow his own vegetables! It’s Greg Stink!
Greg Stink: Thanks, best friend!
Pete Twinkle: [ laughing ] Alright, now, Greg, it looks to me like you haven’t shaved in a while.
Greg Stink: Yeah, I’ve been going through some stuff lately…
Pete Twinkle: Ohhhhhh, I’m sorry to hear that, buddy. What kind of stuff you going through?
Greg Stink: Oh, you know, just some old boxes.
Pete Twinkle: Hmm?
Greg Stink: Doing some Spring cleaning — haven’t had a chance to shave!
Pete Twinkle: Oh, okay, good! I thought you were gonna say that your wife had left you.
Greg Stink: [ chuckling ] Oh, yeah — she did!
Pete Twinkle: Oh! Oh, I’m sorry to hear about that, buddy! [ Greg laughs ] Okay! Yeah, alright. Hey! A quick shout-out to our sponsor: Stay Free Maxi Pads! When you have your monthly boo-boo, pull one of these near your hoo-hoo! Stay Free Maxi Pads! Alright, why don’t we meet our first competitor? It’s two-time champion — Virginia Sacramento![ cut to Virginia lying on the green lining up her tee ]
Pete Twinkle: Now, it looks like she’s deciding where to put that tee. huh? Okay, now, Greg, I gotta ask you: How important is the placement?
Greg Stink: Oh, it’s very important…
Pete Twinkle: Mmm-hmm?
Greg Stink: I mean, she’s gonna want to stick that pad right on the inside of her underpanties…
Pete Twinkle: Okay…
Greg Stink: She’ll line it up in her privates, and then she can just, you know… let ‘er rip!
Pete Twinkle: Oh, no, no, no, Greg! I’m sorry! No, I’m sorry about that, that’s my fault! I’m not talking about the placement of a fine product like Stay Free Maxi Pads — we’re talking about the placement of BALLS!
Greg Stink: Oh! Well, I’ve NEVER wanted to second-guess The Lord!
Pete Twinkle: Mmm-hmm?
Greg Stink: I think he placed the balls RIGHT where they’re SUPPOSED to be!
Pete Twinkle: Okay!
Greg Stink: And that’s good enough for me!
Pete Twinkle: [ laughing ] Ah, you know what? Me, too! Hey, you know what’s good enough for everyone? Stay Free Maxi Pads! It’s the downstairs hatch, for your baby hatch! Stay Free Maxi Pads! [ a note is handed to him ] Oh! Alright, we’re getting soem breaking news. Once again — it’s 1994! Uh — I’m hearing that O.J. Simpson is currently being chased by the LAPD down the 405 Freeway. We go to a shot now… [ cut to chase footage ] And you can se that’s his Bronco — that shot is live — he is reportedly heading to his home in Brentwood. Okay — well, we have L.A. correspondent Randy Feather covering the action. We go now to O.J. Simpson’s house — live!
[ cut to Randy Feather standing casually outside of O.J. Simpson’s house in Brentwood with his assistant ]
Randy Feather: Hey, everybody… I’m sorry I’m late. How long before we’re on the air? [ the assistant shrugs ] Really? Okay. I could use a little time to sober up. [ he sips from a flask ]
Pete Twinkle: Okay. Okay, well, it doesn’t look like Randy’s quite ready yet. We’ll check back with him a minute. Let’s get back to the action, though. Let’s see… Sacramento is ready to swing! Here she goes! [ Virginia Sacramento makes a wild swing ] Oh, boy! And she CRUSHED it! Whoo! Look at that! She is happy! She is loving that! Look at that! Oh, man! Whoo! Look at her go! Greg, I gotta ask you: Have you EVER seen a woman hit ANYTHING that hard?
Greg Stink: Ohhhh, yeah!
Pete Twinkle: Yeah? Well… do you remember who?
Greg Stink: Nooo!
Pete Twinkle: Okay. Okay. Alright, that’s okay. Oh, oh, oh! I’m being told that we’re going back to Randy Feather! Randy, what have you got for us?
[ cut to Randy Feather being prepped by his make-up artist ]
Randy Feather: [ on his large cellphone ] I’ll tell you exactly how big!
Pete Twinkle: Randy?
Randy Feather: Four inches.
Pete Twinkle: Randy? Can you hear me?
Randy Feather: Oh, round? Oh, I’d probably say… like a McDonald’s straw.
Pete Twinkle: Randy!
Randy Feather: What’s that? Oh, it’s a FOREST out there! [ he laughs ]
Pete Twinkle: Okay. Okay, so, uh — so Randy’s still not ready.
Greg Stink: RANDYYYYY!!
Pete Twinkle: [ laughing ] No, no, no! It’s alright! We’re alright! Hey, you know what’s always ready, though? Stay Free Maxi Pads! I see London, I see China… I see one very happy vagina! Stay Free Maxi Pads! Well, it looks like Kukendorf is warming up! [ show Kukendorf with her golf club behind her back ] Now, Greg… you can tell she’s got that lower body injury, she’s clearly not at 100%. You know, how is that going to affect her today?
Greg Stink: Well, it all depends on how much under 100% she is.
Pete Twinkle: Mmm-hmm.
Greg Stink: Is she 99%?
Pete Twinkle: Okay.
Greg Stink: 98%?
Pete Twinkle: Right.
Greg Stink: 97%?
Pete Twinkle: Right.
Greg Stink: 98%?
Pete Twinkle: Whoa, wait — you went back up there, buddy.
Greg Stink: 96%?
Pete Twinkle: There you go! Alright, just hold that thought there for me, will you?
Greg Stink: Okay. [ he holds his hand up to his head ]
Pete Twinkle: Okay, we got, uh — [ staring at Greg ] Oh, man. Okay, now, it looks like we’re going back to Randy Feather in front of O.J. Simpson’s house. It’s 1994! Randy?
[ cut to Randy Feather still having make-up applied ]
Randy Feather: You know, I used to be a stripper. I know! I know! With this body? I used to be WAY fatter back then. Like a hundred pounds fatter.
Pete Twinkle: Hey, Randy, can you hear me?
Randy Feather: But it was too much stress on my back, so… I lost weight and got a butt reduction. And then I went into broadcasting. Can I just kiss one of your eyes?
[ she shakes her head No ]
Pete Twinkle: Okay! Okay, sorry about that, folks! I don’t — I-I don’t know what’s going on!
Greg Stink: Well, he can’t hear us!
Pete Twinkle: Okay, thank you! Thank you, Greg! [ laughing ] Greg Stink! There’s not a FINER person! And, hey — there’s not a FINER product than Stay Free MAxi Pads! When your uterine lining, looks like the elevator from “The Shining”! [ extended hold ] Stay Free Maxi Pads! Alright, back to the action! Kukendorf is at the tee! Here we go! Let’s see what happens! [ she taps the ball lightly but sends it flying ] Oh, look at that! No back swing necessary, she CRUSHED it! Okay, look at that! Holy smokes! Alright, okay — I’m a little worried to do this, but we’re going back to Radndy. Randy?
[ cut to Randy Feathers, alone ]
Randy Feather: Yes, Pete?
Pete Twinkle: Okay, great! We got him! Good! Okay, great! Okay, Randy, can you tell us what you know?
Randy Feather: Well, Pete… at this point, not much. Except the Juice is loose!
Pete Twinkle: Hey! Speaking of LOOSE JUICE — Stay Free Maxi Pads! We’ll be right back!
[ fade ]