SNL Transcripts: Will Ferrell: 05/12/12: Will Ferrell’s Monologue



 Saturday Night Live Transcripts


  Season 37: Episode 21








11u: Will Ferrell / Usher

Will Ferrell’s Monologue

…..Will Ferrell
…..Kay Ferrell
…..Wally Feresten

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen — Will Ferrell!

Will Ferrell: Thank you! Thank you. Thank you, thank you. I don;t know what you said, but I hope it’s positive! Thank you, it’s so exciting to be BACK HOME at “SNL” in New York City! New York City! The city by the bay! It’s especially exciting because, in about 23 minutes here, it will be Mother’s Day, and, uh… and I know what I’m about to say might stir up some controversy, but here goes: I love my mom! There. There you go, TMZ. That one’s for you. And — guess what? My mom is actually HERE with me tonight. Uh — Mom?

[ he steps down to pull her up on stage from the front row, as the audience cheers wildly ]

My mom! Now… I’m not so great with words. Um… a lot of other people write what I say. And, Mom…I don’t know if you remember last Thanksgiving, when I gave that dramatic speech about Cousin Paul… and you said it saved the family and brought us all together? That was scripted. There was literally a team of writers in the kitchen, feeding me lines through an earpiece… and I feel horribly about it. Uh… so, tonight, for the first time, I’m going to speak straight from my heart. Okay? Okay? No script, no cue cards. Just… just love for my mom. So… Wally, lower the cards.

[ reveal Wally the cue card guy, holding a cue card that reads: “Wally, lower the cue cards!” ]

Will Ferrell: Go ahead. [ Wally doesn’t move ] Yes! Lower them! No! Wait… this is damn scary… Yeah! Lower the cards. Yeah. Lower the cards. It’s fine. Yeah.

[ wally finally lower the cue cards ]

Will Ferrell: [ sighing ] Tonight… I tell my mother that I love her… with my own words.

[ piano music comes up, as the lights go down ]

Mom… the words I am saying now are my words… from my brain place.. to my mouth hole. Mom, I have love. I love… I love the way that you be. You be a big ol’ mommy. No, wait — hold on. You went to a hospital building, right? A long time ago… and strange men pulled me out of your lady parts. Wait! That’s bad! That’s bad. God! Why is this so hard? Is it the piano? It’s the piano, isn’t it? The piano player is awful! I’m sorry about that, Mom. He’s terrible! You know what? I’m just gonna… I’m just gonna think about all the things… you did for me… Mom person. You made milk for me… like the lady from the cover of the Time magazine. Mom… what I’m trying to say is that I want to celebrate you. There! THat’s what I’m trying to say. I want to cover you… in Super Glue… and roll you in flowers? That’s not bad. Right? Okay, I got it! This is perfect! If you were attacked by a dozen ninjas, wearing… crotchless panties… I would fight them. I would fight them hard. There! I did it! The perfect Mother’s Day speech! It’s perfect! [ the audience cheers ] That was not easy. It was not easy. But I want to say one last thing, Mom: I love you so much, Happpy Mother’s Day.

[ he kisses her ]

Will Ferrell: We have a great show! Usher is here! So stick around, we’ll be right back!

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